


Life Behind the Scenes

by Gabby (Kirahsoka)



Series: Where I've Always Been [4]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Star Wars Setting, Canon-Typical Violence, Cluelessness, Deleted Scenes, Epic Friendship, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Slow Burn, Snippets, barrissoka
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-05-31 22:39:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 55,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15129284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kirahsoka/pseuds/Gabby
Summary: A set of ever-growing scenes and events.Some of these were cut from one of the stories in the "Where I've Always Been" series for various reasons. The rest are something I had an idea for or wanted to write to supplement the main storyline, but didn't deserve their own work. I've put what each one is from, who is in it, and why it was written/cut in the chapter summaries and notes.For most, you don't have to read the main stories to understand them. The characters are ones you know already, if you're a SW fan. However, if you do, I imagine they will be more satisfying.I'll add new ones as I have them!





	1. Imagined Reality

**Author's Note:**

> Unless otherwise noted, you can consider these as 'canon', just unseen in the main work. Well, unless, you'd prefer not to. I'd never want to ruin your enjoyment of one of my stories. :-) 
> 
> Oh, and obviously *spoilers* abound for the other works in the series. I've tried to put in a specific spoiler warning for each chapter, so you know which story they relate to. In other words, you can skip the chapters for things you haven't read yet. A vast majority are for WIAB.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barriss struggles with her feelings for Ahsoka, while still dealing with feelings of worthlessness.
> 
> This Ahsoka/Barriss scene is from "Where I've Always Been". It will be obvious that it occurs sometime between the realization and the declaration. I think I originally intended it to be part of Chapter 21.
> 
> *Spoiler Warning for WIAB*
> 
> [see end notes for cut details]

“Tell me about two of your seven marriage proposals,” Barriss said evenly, still feeling conflicted. She wanted to know, but didn't.

Ahsoka looked at her with surprise. “Um, ok. Are you sure? Those aren't very exciting trades for your story.”

_ Good.  _ “Yes, I'm sure. I'm curious. And, you really shouldn't tell me when you're getting the better end of the deal, you know,” she added amusedly. Ahsoka was so delightfully honest at this game, Barriss sometimes felt shamed into not taking advantage.

Shifting toward her with a grin, Ahsoka said, “And,  _ you _ really shouldn't give me tips on how to win. I might start using them.”

Barriss grinned back and edged subtly closer to the woman lying beside her. They had just finished meeting with other rebellion leaders in Alderaan and were headed to the outer regions to strengthen their communication networks. It would be a long journey and Barriss was excitedly anticipating the extended time alone with no missions to complete.  _ Just me, Ahsoka, and lots of time laying next to a fire. Gods, I'm so happy right now.  _

If she planned it carefully, Barriss might even be able to ensure she slept every night on Ahsoka's chest. It was where she felt content, safe, and so very happy. Ahsoka didn't seem to mind, and maybe, sometimes, like she even enjoyed it.  _ Yeah, pretty sure I'm imagining that last part. Ahsoka probably just thinks I need more human contact or something. Which, is true, I suppose. She's so kind. I don't deserve it. _

A small part of her, the part she tried to ignore, hoped it was because Ahsoka loved her back. But, it was so very unlikely. Besides, Barriss didn't deserve her love already, much less being loved like that. Still, she couldn’t stop herself from taking what was given. And, right now, Barriss really wanted to be laying on Ahsoka's chest. Trying to control herself, she concentrated on the consequences of making a mistake. Barriss was so afraid, one day, she would go too far.  _ I can’t. I won’t. Who are you trying to convince, Barriss? _

Ahsoka was gazing at her strangely.

Cringing at being so easily distracted by simply having Ahsoka near her, she quickly refocused.  _ Get it together, Barriss. _ “Sorry, I was thinking. So, do we have a deal?” she asked, trying to sound casual.

Jumping slightly, as if she had forgotten about their conversation, Ahsoka replied, “Oh, um, yep. Deal.”

“Good. You go first—since, I'm told you got the better end of this arrangement.” Barriss quirked an eyebrow.

Ahsoka laughed and leaned closer. “Alright, who am I to argue with the most amazing spy in the 47 kingdoms?”

A rush of awkward pleasure ran through her and Barriss could feel her face getting hot. “I don't know about that. But, if it means you go first, I'll let it pass.” She tried to add a playful grin, but was pretty sure her face looked nothing like she meant it too.

Suddenly, a hand reached out and Ahsoka brushed her fingers over the diamond tattoos. “It's true, you know. You really are. In fact, not just the most amazing spy. The most amazing… period.”

A shiver ran over Barriss and all of her careful planning disappeared. She impulsively shifted her body, laying her head on Ahsoka's chest.  _ What are you doing?! You didn't even work up to this, Barriss. It's going to be so obvious. _ But, it was done now. She waited anxiously for a response of awkward surprise, embarrassed rejection, or gentle questioning. But, it never came. What did come was a hand stroking her forehead as it lay on it’s new home for the night.

Barriss relaxed in relieved happiness.  _ Gods, I love her. _

_______

“So, that was proposal number two. Actually, I'm not sure he ever spoke to me again.”

Barriss laughed. “I can't imagine why. Being threatened with certain death—if you ever dared to again use the words ‘fixer upper’ in reference to the woman you wanted to marry—might put a damper on your enthusiasm.” She shifted her head to glance up at Ahsoka, still laughing.

The fierce blue eyes staring back at her were dilated and filled with delight.

Barriss caught her breath. She loved when Ahsoka looked at her like that. Barriss never understood what caused it, but something about the expression made her heart pulse excitedly. Not wanting it to stop, she continued gazing up at her.

Ahsoka's hand moved from Barriss’ forehead to her cheek, fingers stroking it tenderly, eyes never leaving hers.

Barriss didn't want to control herself anymore. She wanted desperately to be closer, to be wrapped in Ahsoka's arms, to have her lips pressed against hers. Resolve rapidly slipped away as Barriss, almost involuntarily, slid her head up toward Ahsoka’s, until she reached her neck. 

Then, it happened. Suddenly, Ahsoka leaned down and ran full lips across Barriss’ own. Barriss lifted her head up and angled it into Ahsoka's, holding her mouth against hers tightly. The woman responded by gripping her face and deepening the pressure. Her lips moved over Barriss’ with increasing intensity.

Feeling her heart almost burst in delight, Barriss moved her hands over the strong body underneath her. The action caused even more emotions to flood her and she desperately wanted more.

Ahsoka abruptly sat up and pulled Barriss into her completely, wrapping forceful arms around her, and clinging to her mouth longingly. Her hands moved down Barriss’ back and then around her sides to her chest.

Barriss leaned into the hands running across her and—

Jerking awake violently, Barriss gasped and sat up in confusion. She was still beside Ahsoka, but it was the middle of the night.  _ I must have fallen asleep during the story.  _ A sudden sense of loss hit her.  _ It was all a dream. _ The loss intensified painfully. It had been so… wonderful. A hand touched her elbow and she jolted back into reality. 

Ahsoka was still lying flat on the ground, but sleepily eyeing her in concern. “Bad dream?”

Tears pooled in her eyes and Barriss glanced away, replying softly, “No. It was a wonderful dream.”

The woman gazed at her for a few moments. Then, she shifted and reached her arms out. “Come here.”

_ I can't. It was a dream. It wasn't real. I might forget it was all a dream. And, I don't deserve that dream. _ She stared uncertainly.

“Barriss, please… come here.” Ahsoka met her eyes intensely, arms still open.

_ I might—I don't care. _ Barriss fell into Ahsoka's waiting arms.

Warmth wrapped around her tightly and Ahsoka kissed the top of her head. “Everything is going to be alright. I'm never going to let you not be alright. I promise.”

Barriss’ heart throbbed in painful happiness. Gripping one of the hands bracing her, she whispered, “I don't deserve you.”

A firm voice said, “Yes, you do. And, you'll always have me. Don't forget, you're not alone.”

Tears trailed down Barriss’ cheeks and she pressed herself further into Ahsoka. “I've never been alone when I have you.”

Lips touched the top of her head again, staying there for a long moment. “Good.”

_ This isn't a dream. This is real. _ And, it was wonderful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one hurt a bit to cut, as I truly love it. Re-reading it now, I still love it. However, we were moving quickly along and I didn't want to break up the flow for one scene. Also, too many "fluff" scenes, before they both admit their feelings, starts to become a bit unbelievable. I know, because I wrote several of them that were subsequently cut. I love toying with these kinds of scenes. I suppose you will see that yourself when I post them here. :-)


	2. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Barriss heads out on an extended mission, she realizes Ahsoka needs her to stay.
> 
> An Ahsoka/Barriss scene from "Where I've Always Been" that was meant to occur directly before Chapter 22 (Rex returns).
> 
> *Spoiler Warning for WIAB*
> 
> [See end notes for more details on this scene.]

“I thought I said no more extended solo missions?” 

Barriss smiled apologetically. “I’m sorry, Ahsoka. But, you know how important it is to keep the communication channels operating cleanly. I’ll only be gone a couple of weeks. You’ve gone much longer than that on your own. And, if you go with me, who will protect the innocent populace in your absence?” she added with an encouraging grin as she picked up her travel bag. 

Ahsoka didn’t seem appeased. In fact, she seemed… upset. She was toying with her sword and circling unusually anxious fingers over the gem in the hilt. Her fingers started turning white at the pressure being exerted.

Growing concerned, Barriss dropped the bag and put a hand on the fingers to stop their furious movements. “Ahsoka, what’s wrong? This isn’t that unusual an occurrence.”

The woman’s eyes drifted from the sword to Barriss and then out to the surrounding woods. “Nothing. You’re right. It’s fine.”

“No. It’s not. You’re not alright. Please, don’t do this to me. I don’t want to be worrying about you, in addition to being gone.” Barriss said, feeling the words hit her heart.  _ I really don’t want to leave you, my shining girl. Please, don’t make it worse. _

Ahsoka’s eyes shot back to Barriss with alacrity. Dropping the sword, she wrapped her fingers into the ones covering her hand. “I’m sorry. I’ll be fine, really. I guess I’ll just… miss you.”

Barriss gazed at her, happiness flooding her heart.  _ Gods, I love you. _ And, for once, Barriss let herself hope that, maybe, Ahsoka loved her back. It wasn’t a new hope. It was hidden away in the recesses of her mind, rarely surfacing. This time, though, she didn’t push it back down. It slowly filled her with both joy and fear, but Barriss continued to let it stay. Reaching out her other hand, she traced two fingers along the warrior markings on the beautiful face across from her and murmured, “Not as much as I’ll miss you.” 

Mesmerizing blue eyes shined intensely back at her.

As she continued to trace the white lines on Ahsoka’s cheek, Barriss could feel goosebumps rising on the skin beneath her fingertips. It was something she had noticed before, but had always assumed was some sort of idiosyncrasy of Togruta physiognomy. This time, Barriss wondered if it was something more, something else entirely. And, the thought compelled her to keep stroking the soft skin for what seemed like years. It just felt… right.  _ I need to stop. I don’t want to stop. I never want to stop. _

Ahsoka’s eyes slowly closed and a soft smile formed on her face. 

Barriss’ heart throbbed in uncertain joy.  _ Maybe. Maybe not. But, maybe.  _ It was time to go, though, and the thought made her heart ache. It was already getting dark and if she didn’t leave now, it would throw off the entire timetable for the mission. Sighing regretfully, she dropped her hand. “I have to go now. I’m sorry.”

Blue eyes flipped open and what looked like desperation filled them. Ahsoka’s grip tightened on Barriss’ hand painfully. “Please, don’t go. At least, not tonight. Stay with me. Please.”

Staring in surprise at the pleading eyes, Barriss tried to figure out what was going on. Then, she realized it didn’t really matter.  _ I can’t leave her like this. She obviously needs me right now.  _ Barriss said softly, “Alright, I’ll stay.”

A relieved, brilliant smile spread across Ahsoka’s face. She lifted the hand she was still gripping to her lips, kissing it for a long moment. “Thank you.”

The action made Barriss shiver slightly and she shut her eyes for a moment, trying to regain control.  _ This is really not good. If she keeps this up, I’m going to go too far. Then again, maybe she wants me to?  _ It was also the first time Barriss had ever considered that. 

She opened her eyes and saw Ahsoka gazing at her strangely.  _ Then again, maybe not. _ Barriss shook herself out of the moment and said mischievously, “Well, now that you’ve derailed my mission, how are you going to reward my longsuffering and patient dedication to your happiness?”

Ahsoka laughed, running her thumb over their interlocked fingers. “Hmm… how about I tell you a story?”

Barriss grinned and waved a superior hand. “I suppose that would be acceptable.”

Laying back against a rock beside the campfire, Ahsoka opened her arms invitingly.

Smiling and immediately wrapping herself into the woman she loved, Barriss snuggled in contented warmth. “Ok, I’m ready for my story now.”

The embrace around her tightened and a quiet voice said, “Let me tell you a story about a lonely princess. The princess spent her life looking for something she never quite understood. Then, one day, the princess realized what she had actually been looking for was a home.”

The tone and the unusual beginning made Barriss glance up. Ahsoka was looking into the distant sky, seemingly far away. The compressed lips, the tightening muscles around the eyes, and the barely noticeable tremble in the chin told Barriss she was missing something important. It was Ahsoka’s strong face—the face that appeared when she didn’t want people to think she was upset.  _ She needs me. But, I don’t understand what’s wrong. _

Ahsoka continued, “She always felt alone, the princess without a home. Then, the only place she thought might be her home was destroyed. Destroyed three years ago today, actually.”

_ Oh Gods. I forgot the date. What is wrong with me? _ Closing her eyes briefly in anger at herself, Barriss realized she had been so concerned with her mission that she had almost failed Ahsoka. That was never going to happen again. Barriss wrapped her fingers into one of the hands around her body. Then, she pulled it up to her lips and kissed it, before placing it under her chin tightly.  _ Never again. You always come first.  _

Ahsoka’s fingers tightened around Barriss’ as she said, “But, after a while, the princess realized that losing everything didn’t mean all was lost. Because, you see, she finally found her home. The princess had never understood that home didn’t have to be a place.” Fierce blue eyes shifted back to Barriss. “It could also be… a person.”

Tears welled up as Barriss gazed at Ahsoka. She whispered, “Good. Because, the princess will definitely never be alone again.”  _ I love you. _

An ethereal smile formed on Ahsoka’s face. “That makes the princess very, very happy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still love this scene and it was a difficult decision to cut it from the main story. However, it just didn't fit very well into the flow. I wanted to start the next chapter with a time jump to find Rex. And, this was meant to occur right before Barriss left on that solo mission. So, it would have been a bit jarring, to both flow and theme, to throw it in the front of that chapter. Plus, while the overall message is something I love (i.e. Ahsoka finding home/Barriss trying not to repeat her mistakes of single-minded mission focus), it was really just an excuse for more fluff and bonding. I decided I could communicate the message in later chapters and I had already plenty illustrated the bond between the women. Still, I really do love it and it caused me no end of indecision.


	3. Epilogue: True Failure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the passing of Luminara Unduli, Ahsoka receives a gift.
> 
> I wrote this as an epilogue for "True Failure". However, I decided to cut it at the last moment. Primarily, it was cut because it is more about Ahsoka & Luminara, than it is Luminara/Obi-Wan. Plus, I kind of wanted to end that story on an "everyone is happy" note. Still, I loved the full circle of it and how it turned out. So, I present it here for your reading pleasure (hopefully).
> 
> *Spoiler warning for TF*

“I have something for you.”

“A present?” Ahsoka asked impishly. “Or, do you have yet another of my former possessions that you have saved, in order to return it to me at the proper psychological moment in my life?”

Barriss grinned. “Well, really more of a… ok, I don’t know what to call it this time. It’s not really a present. Neither is it returning what’s yours. But, it is also both.”

Staring in bemusement, she commented, “This is a new one.”

Her wife's grin faded as she held out a plainly-wrapped package with an attached parchment roll. “It’s something Luminara wanted you to have.”

Ahsoka sucked in a breath as aching sadness passed through her. The woman's death still felt fresh, as if she might stroll through the door at any moment with a mischievous glint in her eye and a witty remark. She shifted attention to Barriss, who was clearly fighting back tears. Wrapping arms around her, Ahsoka didn’t know what to say to make it better, so she just held her.

After a few moments, Barriss sniffed and leaned back, feathering fingers over her face. “I’m alright, don’t worry. But, you’re not. You don’t have to be strong for me. I know you loved her, too. And, that makes me happy. It also made her happy.”

Flat tears crept out of Ahsoka’s eyes and down her cheeks. “I guess I just wish I had told her that before she…”

“She knew, my shining girl. Please, believe me. She loved you deeply, as well. Not just because she loved your mother. But, because you were you. I think she loved you from the time you were six years old. She wasn’t great at saying it sometimes, but it’s true.”

Ahsoka nodded tightly, feeling some comfort that Luminara knew she cared about her.

“I’ll let you open it on your own, ok?” Barriss ran a gentle hand over her cheek one more time and then exited their room.

Sitting down on the bed, Ahsoka slowly unrolled the parchment. Elegantly formed words were inked on the page.

_Hello, my dear. If you are reading this, I suppose I’m dead. I’m sorry to leave you all. Though, I can’t say that I won’t be content to join Obi-Wan in whatever comes after this life. I’ll tell him that you said hello._

_ This time, when I contemplate death, I don’t feel any regrets. You taught me long ago that regret only hampers what was meant to be. You also reminded me that attachment to others is what living means—something to be embraced and not feared. Without you, I might never have realized my mistakes. More than that, Ahsoka Tano always brought amazing light and happiness into my life. Your strength gave me strength. Never lose your shining faith, my dear. It not only changed my life, it changed the world. It’s your legacy and your future. I know you will pass it on to those who come after you.  _

_In any case, I wanted to leave something to help you remember two women who loved you deeply. Two women who thought you were so very, very special. If I do have any regret as I leave this life, it is that I’m not sure I ever convinced you of that. I hope, everytime you look at the enclosed item, you will remember how special you truly are._

_I love you very much, my darling girl,_

_Luminara_

_p.s. I know this goes without saying, but keep taking good care of my amazing child. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather have doing it._

Tears were now streaming down Ahsoka’s face as she took in the words. She finally placed it on the side table and slowly unwrapped the package in her lap.

A small gasp escaped her lips as the velvet red fabric came into view. Ahsoka gingerly pulled the cape away from its bindings and let it drop out in front of her. It was still beautiful, even after all of these years. She rose from the bed and walked over to the mirror, tears of joy and pain flowing over her cheeks once more.

Ahsoka stared at the cape for a moment and then whipped it around her, attaching it securely to her shoulders. As she gazed at herself, Ahsoka Tano felt… special.


	4. Rules of the Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahsoka and Barriss play their favorite game, while trying to deal with their respective feelings for each other. 
> 
> This scene isn't cut from anything. It was written specifically for this work. It is set in the same universe as the series, overall. You can consider it as canon or not. Up to you. It doesn't contradict anything previously established.  
> *Spoiler Warning for WIAB*
> 
> [see end notes for more details]

“Seriously? You expect me to believe that story?”

Ahsoka grinned at the woman lying next to her and then replied airily, “Really, Barriss. You act like you don’t have faith in my abilities. What is so unbelievable about me taking down a full-grown rancor on my own?”

Barriss rolled her eyes. “It isn’t the rancor part I don’t believe. It’s the whole doing it, while hanging upside-down from a tree branch, with only your bare hands that I have trouble accepting.”

Shifting slightly toward her, Ahsoka feigned a hurt expression. “Now, I really am starting to believe you don’t have faith in me.”

They were doing what they always did, on the way to another place, another mission, another next step in a long road to restoring freedom—laying next to each other, a fire at their feet, and trading stories. It was the closest thing to the Force itself for Ahsoka. Of course, it could be better. _She could be lying on my chest. Or, wrapped in my arms. While we’re at it, how about pressed against my lips, telling me how much she loves me and will never leave me? You don’t ask for much, do you Ahsoka?_

Barriss quirked an eyebrow. “That does not count as your end of the deal. The story does have to actually be true, you know.”

Ahsoka tried to keep a straight face. “Um, that was not specified in the rules given to me. If the game required true stories, I should have been told about this up front. I am highly upset at this breach in gamesmanship. I think you owe me an extra story to make up for this transgression. Besides, try to prove it wasn’t the complete and honest truth.” As she finished, she leaned even closer to Barriss. _Please, take the hint. Please._

She sometimes thought Barriss might return her feelings. In her less confident moments, she thought Barriss’ desire for physical contact was from spending a lonely life never being touched by anyone who cared about her. Either way, Ahsoka revelled in the closeness. _I’ll take what I can get. Assuming, I can get it._

Barriss remarked, “Hmm… you raise interesting points. I shall take your request under advisement. However, consider this your official notice that this game requires completely true and accurate representations of events.” Piercing, blue eyes gazed back at her in amusement, but there was something else in them Ahsoka couldn’t pinpoint. She just knew she didn't like whatever it was.

The last couple of weeks had left Ahsoka almost desperate. Until recently, every night alone had resulted in Barriss asleep on her chest, while Ahsoka ran fingers through her soft hair. Lately, Barriss seemed to not want to be touched at all. Even now, Ahsoka could see her edging away from the new proximity. Something was going on and Ahsoka didn’t know how to ask without making her own wishes obvious.

Ahsoka repeated her mantra to herself again. _If she loves me, she’ll tell me when she’s ready. If she doesn’t love me, I can live with it. Even if it never happens, I’ll be here. Remember, Ahsoka?_ But, in the face of Barriss’ continued distance, her resolve was breaking down. Apparently, once Ahsoka had something, she couldn’t let it go. And, Barriss on her chest was one of those things. _You could throw me a bone here, Barriss. Not even a brush of your hand to see me through?_

“Any other arguments you’d like to put forward about why you have been unfairly treated?” Barriss smiled, but the unknown expression in her eyes was getting stronger.

She gazed at Barriss, trying to gauge her options. Ahsoka wasn’t averse to risk and her inclination was to chase what she wanted. But, in this case, the risk was too high for even her tolerance level. It wasn’t just that she might lose the woman she loved in the process. It was the thought of hurting her. If Ahsoka tried to force the issue, but Barriss wasn’t ready, the outcome could be destructive. Her friend was sometimes still so fragile. Ahsoka didn’t believe herself to be the Force itself or anything, but she did know Barriss needed her in some capacity. Ahsoka didn’t understand the why of it all, she just instinctively knew a mistake could send the woman she loved into another downward spiral of regret and failure. Whether Barriss felt the same way or not, the risk of Ahsoka taking the initiative was much too high. _Back to where you started, Ahsoka. Her move. You’re always on defense._

Ahsoka shook herself out of her thoughts and grinned at Barriss. “I think you’re just upset that I’m getting good at this game.”

The woman looked at her with amused disbelief. “Um, cheating does not count as ‘getting good’.”

“Who says? That was also not specified in the rules.”

Barriss couldn’t hold back a laugh this time.

It was the laugh Ahsoka loved—the one that made her heart fill with happiness. She gazed at Barriss in utter delight. _Gods, I love you._

As Barriss caught Ahsoka’s eye, she abruptly stopped laughing. Then, the woman quickly turned toward the night sky, wrapping her arms around her stomach tightly. Her face looked strained and she was biting her lip.

Now, Ahsoka was actually worried. “Um, Barriss, are you ok?”

The head shifted swiftly back to her with a smile. “Yes, of course.” The smile wasn’t real.

Ahsoka automatically reached out a hand to provide support, but stopped mid-air at the expression of fear on Barriss’ face. _She doesn’t want me to touch her. She’s afraid of me touching her._ Ahsoka dropped her hand and shifted back, trying to give Barriss the space she evidently needed. Then, the hurt came. Ahsoka tried to push it away, but it pulsed through her heart painfully. Not able to maintain control, she turned to the sky, working desperately to reign in the emotions. _Always on defense, Ahsoka._

A small voice said, “Ahsoka…”

Still not able to look at Barriss, she tried to put lightness into her voice, “That’s my name, don’t wear it out. Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh, yes, rules of the game,” her voice involuntarily hardened, as she continued, “I need to know the rules or I can’t play the game.” Her heart resonated with the truth of that statement. Barriss had changed the rules. And, it hurt.

“Ahsoka… please, look at me.”

She couldn’t. Her eyes would give away everything. Ahsoka could feel the hurt swirling through them, the tears pooling behind them. She closed them tightly and whispered, “Sorry, I can’t right now.”

Barriss said tentatively, “I didn’t—I don’t—why can’t you look at me?”

 _Because, I love you and you don’t want me._ Ahsoka didn’t respond. There was no way to answer that question.

Suddenly, a hand brushed her face and Ahsoka jerked with surprise, but managed to keep her eyes closed. Then, a pleading voice said, “I’m sorry. It’s not—I can’t explain what’s wrong with me. But, I didn’t mean it. _Please,_ look at me.” Fingers started moving gently over Ahsoka’s cheek.

The comforting movements on her face were restoring Ahsoka’s control and the intensity of the hurt started receding. She finally opened her eyes to see wet tears on Barriss’ cheeks. Ahsoka couldn’t handle that. She grabbed the hand from her face and gripped it tightly. “Sorry, I’m ok now. I didn’t meant to upset you. Please, don’t cry.” Placing Barriss’ hand on the ground and removing her own gingerly, Ahsoka tried a reassuring smile.

Gazing at her in distress, Barriss said, “It-it’s not your fault. I’m so sorry. I didn’t—I’m not sure sometimes about things and it scares me. And, when I’m scared, I make stupid decisions that hurt people. I promised myself I would never hurt you again. But, now, I think I have,” she ended miserably. Then, almost to herself, she whispered, “I only make things worse.”

Ahsoka turned toward her, but didn’t touch her, despite desperately wanting to hold her and tell her everything was alright. At the same time, Ahsoka couldn’t let her keep on this line of thought. It never ended well. She struggled to find a way to fix the damage without revealing too much. “Barriss, please don’t say that. It’s not true. Everything is fine. I was just surprised. You seem more… distant lately. I guess, I am worried. And, I suppose, I got used to—I’m just a very physical person is all. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” _Not bad, Ahsoka. You managed to skirt the entire issue and still give a mostly truthful explanation. You really are getting better at this game._

The woman’s eyes widened and her hand returned to Ahsoka’s cheek. “No, you didn’t—I don’t—you aren’t the problem here. I want you to—ok, let me start over.” She paused and closed her eyes. When she reopened them, there was something unreadable shining from behind the deeper, sapphire hues. This time, though, whatever it was gave Ahsoka hope. Barriss continued, “You have never made me uncomfortable. You’re so kind to me and I like being near you. But, I didn’t want to make you feel like you had to let me… maybe, can we just go back to how things were? If, you want them to?”

Ahsoka stared at her uncertainly. It made her heart swell with thoughts of Barriss safely tucked against her chest again, but it still didn’t explain the fear in her eyes when she had reached for her. Whatever had been there was gone now, though. _What if it happens again? I guess, it doesn’t really matter._ Barriss needed her. And, Ahsoka would muddle through. _On defense._ “Alright. Who am I to argue with the most amazing spy in the 47 kingdoms?” She added an engaging grin.

Barriss smiled, but looked unconvinced at the response. Suddenly, she took Ahsoka’s hand and placed it on her own cheek. “Can you do that thing with my tattoos? It always makes me feel… like I can handle anything.”

Ahsoka inhaled sharply and giddy pleasure rolled through her. She did as instructed and watched as Barriss closed her eyes with a content smile. Hope flowed through her. _Maybe, I have a chance after all. Or, I’m too much in love to see reality._ Massaging the diamonds gently, Ahsoka decided, once again, it didn’t really matter. _I have no idea what any of this means. But, as always, I’m so going with it._

Piercing blue eyes flipped open and Barriss pivoted her entire body to lay her head on Ahsoka’s chest. There was a pleased murmur as the woman snuggled closer, as if she was finally back where she belonged.

 _Well, no arguments from me on that._ Automatically falling back into her role, Ahsoka moved her hand to Barriss’ hair and started running her fingers through it, her new sense of hope expanding exponentially. _Her move, but maybe you can expand the playing field?_ For the first time, Ahsoka truly entertained the possibility of victory in the only game she cared about. _No more defense, Ahsoka—push the edges, give her options. She can manage the plays. Yes, it could work. If not, I’m in the same place I am now. And, I can live here. Happily._

“Now, that’s better,” Barriss said lightly, “So, where were we? Oh yes, rules of the game. What else do you need to know?”

Smiling slightly with a new sense of confidence, she slid her fingers to Barriss’ forehead. Ahsoka massaged the soft skin, feeling the tight muscles relax under her fingertips, and heard a resulting sigh of contentment from Barriss. Then, she replied softly, “I think I know everything I need to for the moment.”

_______

Barriss woke to early morning light shining through the trees. She looked up at Ahsoka’s still sleeping face. _I’m so sorry._

In her attempt to ensure she didn’t ruin everything, Barriss had almost ruined everything. The problem was still there. Right now, she was having an extremely difficult time controlling the urge to run her hands over the strong body beneath her. Removing the temptation seemed like the only reasonable solution. Except, it had been a terrible solution. Barriss had been extremely unhappy doing it. Even worse, she had evidently made Ahsoka extremely unhappy in the process. _Gods, Barriss. You are a mess. Just tell her you love her, before you really do ruin everything._

But, Barriss could never do that, either. Ahsoka couldn’t possibly feel that way about her. _Why would she? I’m a mess._ And, even if she did, Barriss didn’t deserve her. _I would make a mistake. I would fail her. She deserves everything I’m not. She doesn’t realize it, but it’s true._ Barriss knew giving in to her feelings would only end up ruining Ahsoka’s happiness, as well as her own, one way or the other. _No, you’re just going to have to figure out another way to deal with the urge to kiss Ahsoka everytime she touches you._

Sighing in defeat, she ran her fingers lightly over Ahsoka’s stomach. Ahsoka never seemed to mind, but Barriss hadn’t done it in a long time. And, now, the action just made her want to run them up Ahsoka’s entire body. She kept doing it anyway, unable to stop herself. Barriss knew she was playing a dangerous game. A game that she could never win, but couldn’t bear to lose. _Great, Barriss, just great. I don’t know how much more of this you can take._

Feeling Ahsoka stirring, she immediately curled her fingers tightly into a fist, pulling them to her chin.

A groggy voice said, “Don’t stop.”

Barriss glanced up at Ahsoka quickly in surprise. “What?”

The woman had a sleepy smile on her face and a hand reached down to Barriss’ face, stroking it gently. “I love it when you do that.”

Flushing hotly, Barriss tried to grin, but had no idea what it looked like. “Well, in that case, I’ll have to do it more often.” _Like, all the time. Assuming, I can manage to resist the impulse to run my lips over your skin when I do._

Eyes slowly closed and a soft voice said, “Good.” The hand stopped moving over Barriss’ cheek and rested there as Ahsoka fell back to sleep.

Barriss gazed up at her. _This game is going to kill me one day. Still, at least, I’ll die happy._ Grinning at the thought, she returned her fingers to Ahsoka’s stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a 'for fun' attempt to try to explain how two people can be so clueless about their feelings for each other. I've tried to make it obvious that Ahsoka, while not understanding why it's true, understands the dangers of pushing Barriss too fast. Which is the only reason she isn't just going for it. I mean she is Ahsoka. She's not exactly the "hold back my feelings" type. Also, because she doesn't really understand what's going on, Ahsoka just kind of rolls with everything and hopes for the best. Which, is frustrating for her, but she finds a way to be more proactive. Of course, it will eventually work out for her in the main story. But, could have turned out differently if not for precipitating events. 
> 
> The end section was meant to explain Barriss' thought process and, perhaps, show she definitely isn't ready for a romantic relationship. The feelings of being a failure are still too strong. Everytime she did something wrong, she'd probably go into a meltdown. 
> 
> Anyhow, it may or may not convincing. But, I just got inspired to try it as I was editing all the cut fluff scenes to post. :-)


	5. Worst Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barriss goes missing. Obi-Wan, Luminara, and Ahsoka deal with the consequences. 
> 
> From "True Failure", originally part of Chapter 10. 
> 
> *Spoiler Warning for TF and WIAB*

“Ahsoka, it’s not your fault.”

The girl plastered a smile on her face. “I know. Don’t worry. I’m fine.”

Luminara sighed and sat down beside her in front of the fire. “There’s no need to pretend. I’m not Barriss, but remember who taught her how to read people. I know you’re not fine.”

Ahsoka stared at her for a moment and then exhaled a breath through clenched teeth. “I shouldn’t have left her.”

Taking her hand, Luminara said softly, “And, I shouldn’t have sent her.”

“What?” Ahsoka looked at her in confusion.

“I told her to go. Barriss was panicking in the base. Something—I don’t know what—was telling her you were in danger, I think.” Luminara thought back to the moment, three long weeks ago, when she had sent her child into danger. “She had fear in her eyes and her hand—the panicked fingers rubbing her forehead…” Shaking herself out of the memories, Luminara said simply, “I told her follow her instincts and go. And, now…” Her girl was not dead. Barriss must be out here somewhere. But, the fear and doubt were working their way into Luminara’s heart as the days passed.

Ahsoka squeezed her hand. “It’s not your fault.”

Luminara smiled wanly. “Just like it’s not yours?”

A defeated smile appeared on Ahsoka’s face. “Ok, you win. It’s both of our faults.”

Snorting lightly, Luminara replied, “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

Ahsoka grinned. “What? It didn’t work? I’ll see what I can do for next time.”

Luminara laughed and then quickly sobered. “I’m sure we’ll find her. We’ve only covered half the search area, so far.” She wasn't sure if she was trying to convince Ahsoka or herself.

“I know,” was the confident reply, “I’m not giving up. I’ll never give up on her. Ever.”

She gazed at Ahsoka for a few moments, realizing that her doubt was fading away in the face of the girl’s unwavering faith. “No, I don’t think you will. You are very special, you know.”

Ahsoka glanced away in surprised confusion. “Oh, um, thanks.”

Luminara chuckled. “I’m serious. You are so special and you don’t even realize it. I think, perhaps, you may find you can do things that even you thought were not possible.”

Ahsoka looked back at her and replied amusedly, “You are starting to sound like Obi-Wan.”

“Hmm… there’s no need for that. If I ever start spouting random words of wisdom to simple questions, please stop me before I hurt myself.” She flashed a brief grin.

Trying to hold back a laugh, Ahsoka responded in a pseudo-formal tone, “I shall take my commission very seriously and be on guard for any and all signs that you may have inadvertently slipped into ‘master negotiator’ mode.”

As they both laughed, a dry voice came from behind them, “Well then.”

Obi-Wan strolled over with a semi-offended expression and a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth.

Luminara looked up at him innocently. “Yes, my love? Did you need to share some inspiring nuggets of wisdom with us?”

Ahsoka snorted, but added equally as innocently, “Yes, Master Kenobi, we were hoping you could negotiate an argument we are currently having over whose fault something is. Your wisdom would be a great help to our troubled minds.”

Glaring at them, Obi-Wan retorted, “I’m afraid I only offer my services to those who are deserving. And, right now, you two don’t qualify.”

The women glanced at each other and, this time, couldn’t hold back the laughter. 

Fluctuating between amusement and annoyance, Obi-Wan finally gave in and sat down next to Luminara. “I can see putting you two together is going to be detrimental to my ego. We need to find Barriss soon, or I may be a beaten man by the time she’s back to soothe my wounded pride.”

Luminara said wryly, “I notice you are assuming Barriss would take your side of things?”

Obi-Wan replied with extreme seriousness, “Of course. You may not realize this, but Barriss thinks I am the best thing since the Jedi existed.”

The women looked at each other again and then stared at him with exaggeratedly dubious expressions. 

“True story!” he exclaimed and placed a hand over his heart. “Word of honor.”

Ahsoka laughed. “Actually, that probably  _ is _ true.”

Obi-Wan grinned with delight and turned a triumphant gaze to Luminara. 

Luminara glared at her. “Ahsoka, don’t give him any ammunition. After you go to bed, who do you think is going to have to deal with him?”

The girl held up a hand of apology. “Moment of weakness, it won’t happen again.”

Smiling widely, Obi-Wan said, “Don’t worry, you won’t have to hold back your overwhelming love and admiration for me much longer. Because, tomorrow, we are going to find Barriss and she can take over.”

Ahsoka chuckled. “I always knew you loved her more than me.”

His face took on a semi-serious expression. “I love you both equally.” Then, a small grin played around his lips. “However, when it comes to ensuring my pride comes out intact, from battling the beautiful, amazing, brilliant woman beside me, I find Barriss to be a more… helpful ally.”

Grinning devilishly, Ahsoka turned to Luminara and said, “Well, that sounds like a challenge to me.”

Luminara smiled and then raised an impish eyebrow at Obi-Wan. “Indeed.”

Obi-Wan stared at them in alarm. “I think I’ve just accidentally created my own worst nightmare. Um, what was it you wanted me to negotiate again?”

_______

Running a gentle hand over Barriss’ cheek, Obi-Wan sat down beside her bed. She looked terrible. The emaciated, sunken cheeks had a pale, sickly complexion. Her already thin arms were practically non-existent. He tried to calm his mind, but found the emotions too overwhelming. Obi-Wan squeezed his eyes shut, in fear of what had almost happened.

Suddenly, he felt a hand touch his arm. He flipped his eyelids open and saw Barriss gazing at him.

She said weakly, “I’m ok. Please, don’t worry.”

He smiled and leaned down to kiss her forehead. “I know, my darling girl. I’m alright.”

Barriss smiled softly. “Promise?”

Obi-Wan gazed at her, brushing his knuckles over her cheek. “Promise.”

“Good,” she whispered and fell back to sleep, her hand still on his arm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This tied into Chapter 53 in "Where I've Always Been" (when Barriss goes missing after their defeat of the 'death star'). It's original purpose was to show Luminara & Ahsoka's growing relationship, as well as Obi-Wan & Barriss' bond, evoking a close family dynamic. When I wrote WIAB, I always assumed Luminara blamed herself for sending Barriss out after Ahsoka, and this was my chance to explore that a bit, as well.
> 
> However, when it came down to it, it was a bit unecessary to the story being told in True Failure. There was also no good way to place it into the last chapter, which was already quite long. And, it didn't deserve it's own chapter. Since, it didn't contribute anything that wasn't already illustrated elsewhere, it got cut.


	6. Recovery Mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a major loss to our rebellion heroes, Caleb, Hera, and Sabine engage in a recovery mission.
> 
> This is a new story that incorporates elements from "Where I've Always Been" and/or "Loyal Soldier". If you've read either one, you will be familiar with the events underlying the basis of the story. So, spoilers for both.
> 
> *Spoiler Warning for WIAB and LS*

“Caleb, we need to go, now,” Hera hissed at him.

He shook his head. “Not until we know if they found them and where they’ve taken them.”

Sabine nodded emphatic agreement, helmet flashing slightly as the sun hit the bright shades of orange decorating it. “It looks like about four recovery squads. I wonder why they need so many to clean up a destroyed village? And, what’s taking them so long to do it? I mean, the battle was three weeks ago.”

Hera surveyed the area carefully. “It looks like they’re searching for something specific. Look at the pattern and the way the teams are deployed.”

Caleb noted her points absently. “Hmm… strange. Well, I’m going in.”

Gripping his shoulder to keep him from moving, Hera said firmly, “No, you’re not going anywhere. We need more data. What’s your plan? Wander around Felucia in disguise and hope you run into some Mandalorian swords?”

“Yeah, pretty much,” he replied.

Sabine snorted.

Hera’s sea-green eyes flashed with disbelief. “Caleb, I know this is important to you, but is it really worth risking your life for?”

Holding her gaze intently, he said, “Hera, I’m not going to let Palpatine or any of his minions lay their grubby little hands on Ahsoka’s swords. Those were her prized possessions. They are special. The short sword dates back to the founding of Mandalore. And, the other has a rare crystal that belonged to Rex’s brother in the hilt. Those swords were the reason I first met Ahsoka. If it takes me a lifetime, I will get them back. It’s the only thing I can do now and I’m going to do it.”

She stared into his eyes for a moment and then reluctantly nodded. “Alright. Let’s do this, then. You and Sabine infiltrate. I’ll keep watch from the perimeter and signal you if there’s trouble. Also, I’ll see if I can hunt down some transportation out of here, in case we need to make a quick exit.”

Sabine and Caleb grinned at her and saluted in unison. “Yes, ma’am.”

Shaking her head in wry amusement, Hera glanced around. “You’re going to need some disguises and, lucky for us, I see two willing soldiers slacking off near the edge of the village. Come on, let’s go.”

_______

Finally bringing their horses to a halt a few miles away from the Felucian village, they surveyed the landscape behind them.

Letting out a relieved exhale, Hera commented, “Looks like we lost them. What did you find out? Where are we headed?”

Caleb and Sabine glanced at each other. Then, he ran a hand through his thick, unruly hair, speaking reluctantly, “Well, we think we know where they took them…”

Hera fixed him with an intent gaze. “Why do I think I’m not going to like this?”

Giving a quick snort, Sabine interjected, “Oh, you’re definitely not going to like it.”

The man glared at her and then looked back to Hera nervously. “So, they had already removed most of the objects of value over the last few weeks. I assume that includes the swords. Apparently, they’ve all been transported to another location for processing.”

Feeling impatient, Hera snapped testily, “And, that is?”

“Um…” he answered slowly, “the, um, garrison in, um… Dantooine.”

The woman gaped at him. “You’re joking, right? That’s one of the most heavily guarded outposts in the 47 kingdoms! It’s also a hive of scum and villainy. The whole place is the definition of life threatening. Not to mention, it’s at least three days travel from here!”

Caleb cringed. “I know, Hera. But, that’s where they’ve taken everything. I don’t know why. It’s an unusual site for this kind of thing. It doesn’t make much sense. But, that’s what we found out.”

Sabine stayed quiet, glancing between them anxiously.

Closing her eyes in clear frustration, Hera was silent for several moments. Then, she straightened, flipped her eyes open, and locked them on Caleb. “Alright. I guess we’re headed to Dantooine.”

A bright smile shined on Caleb’s face as he gazed at her in grateful admiration. “Thanks, Hera.”

She gave him a small smile in return and then turned to Sabine. “You take point. If you see any larger villages along the way, signal us. We’re going to need fresh supplies.”

The girl grinned. “Yes, ma’am.”

_______

“Tell me why you’re so invested in these swords,” Hera said as she spread another bedroll.

They were about a day out of Dantooine and had decided to make camp for the night. Sabine was scouting the area, while Caleb cooked the odd-looking fish Hera had caught from a nearby stream for dinner.

He looked up in surprise. “I thought we already covered that.”

She shook her head, lekku swaying with the motion. “No, I understand the intrinsic value of the swords. But, I want to understand why they are so important to _you,_ specifically.”

Caleb dropped his eyes back to the fish. “I don’t know. It just feels like something I need to do.”

He could feel her appraising gaze upon him, but didn’t look up. Caleb didn’t know why he felt so strongly about it. She was right that is was a foolish, unnecessary risk. If either of his friends were hurt, he would never forgive himself. Yet, he was doing it anyway and had no idea why. Barriss would tell him it was impulsive and irrational—a poor strategic decision. Then again, she couldn’t tell him anything these days. That was the problem.

Hera suddenly spoke softly, “You think if you get the swords, somehow it will make everything ok again. Don’t you?”

Caleb jerked his head up. “Of course not. Ahsoka is dead. Nothing will be ok again.”

She crossed over to him, kneeling down and placing a hand on his arm. “I’m right. You think if you bring the swords back to Barriss and Rex, they will feel better. You’re doing this for them, not for you.”

Gazing into her eyes, he abruptly realized it was true. “I guess so. I don’t think I knew that, until you just said it. Is that a bad reason?”

The woman smiled wanly. “No, dear, I don’t think it’s bad or good. It just… is. As long as you realize, it might not work.”

“I know. But, I have to try something. You don’t understand. Barriss just lays in bed, staring at the wall. And, Rex moves around the base like a dead man walking. I don’t know what else to do. They are the ones who always told me what to do. They always knew what to do. Now…” he trailed off, feeling tears building behind his eyes.

Her grip on his arm tightened. “I understand. They’ve been your family, since your mother died. Even if this doesn’t work, there may be other options. You shouldn’t give up. I didn’t ever meet Ahsoka, but she clearly was a very special person. It takes time for people to learn how to deal with a loss like that. And, that includes you, as well.”

He couldn’t hold back a tear from running down his cheek. Feeling childish, Caleb wiped it away quickly. “Thanks. It’s just… they’re all I have. I already lost Ahsoka. I can’t lose them, as well.”

Hera put both hands on his face and turned it to her. “I know. But, you should also know, they aren’t all you have. You have Sabine and I, as well. And, you always will.”

Happiness surged through him at the words. Giving her a diffident smile, Caleb replied softly, “Thanks.”

She kissed his forehead gently and then released her grip. “In any case, don’t worry. We’ll get those swords, even if we have to take down Palpatine himself to do it. I promise.”

Caleb gazed into her beautiful eyes with joy. “You are so… amazing.”

Hera grinned wryly. “Hmm… I’ll have to go on suicide missions with you more often. That may be the first compliment you ever gave me that didn’t involve a cocky grin and a ridiculously, over-the-top ‘gentleman soldier’ routine.”

Putting on an innocent expression, Caleb replied, “I prefer to think of it as charm combined with a respectful appreciation for beautiful ladies. Besides, what do you expect from a man who spent years under the tutelage of Captain Rex, the most chivalrous warrior on the planet?”

She laughed. “Oh, I know. Did I ever tell you about the first time Rex and I met in Ryloth? I had more attention than I knew what to do with!”

Caleb perked up with interest. “No, you haven’t. That is a story I definitely need to hear. Especially, if it gives me anything I can use to torment him for years to come.” He grinned devilishly.

She shook her head in amusement. “You are impossible.”

Suddenly, acrid smoke billowed between them and Caleb turned with horror to realize he had completely forgotten about dinner. “Oh no.” He worked feverishly to try to save the fish he had just ruined to no avail. Looking back at Hera abashedly, he said, “Well, um, guess it’ll be rations tonight?”

She laughed. “Hmm… multi-tasking is not your thing is it?”

Caleb loved her laugh and the sound made his breath catch in his throat. But, he recovered quickly and put a charming grin on his face. “Well, I can’t help it when a beautiful lady decides to distract me.”

Eyes rolled skyward. “I knew it wouldn’t last. I’m just going to have to try again the next time we’re about to die.”

He grabbed her hand and kissed it, meeting her eyes impishly. “Feel free to try again anytime you like, my lady.”

Hera laughed again and put a hand on his cheek. “Oh, I will.”

_______

Caleb walked into Rex’s office, feeling strangely nervous. The man was looking out the window, seeming far away.

Brandishing the swords in front of him, Caleb cleared his throat gently. “Um, Rex? I—uh, brought you something.”

Rex jerked, spinning around quickly. His eyes immediately fell on the swords in Caleb’s hands with shock. He stared for what seemed like forever at them, before abruptly raising his gaze to the man holding them. “You—how did—where did you get them?”

Caleb grinned. “Well, that’s a long, very complicated story and involves several near death experiences and a particularly nasty garrison of soldiers. However, the point is… here they are.” He set them on the desk reverently and stepped back, standing to attention. “They’re all yours, Captain.”

Suddenly, hands gripped his shoulders and Caleb focused on the joyful face in front of him. Rex’s eyes looked… alive. The sight made Caleb’s heart throb with happiness.

“I don’t know what to say,” Rex’s voice broke slightly, before he continued, “you are incredible. Thank you.”

Rubbing his head diffidently, Caleb replied, “Well, it wasn’t just me. Hera and Sabine went with me. It was a team effort. It was just something—I wanted—I mean, I know it doesn’t bring Ahsoka back. But, I thought maybe, it might… help.”

Rex gazed at him and then pulled him into a tight hug. “Don’t worry, Caleb. I know I’ve been distracted lately. But, I promise. Everything is going to be alright.”

Caleb felt unexpected tears well up in his eyes as he returned the embrace. “Good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started as a story to explain what happened to Ahsoka's swords after her battle with Anakin. In other words, I needed to get them back from Felucia for later use. I haven't done much to expand our "Rebels" characters in this universe, so I wanted to focus on them. This was especially true for Kanan/Caleb, since we didn't get to see much of his reaction to Ahsoka's death. In the end, I really liked the interplay between them and the idea of Caleb playing a role in the recovery of everyone, plus the swords.


	7. End of the Line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the rise of Palpatine, Ahsoka and Barriss search for survivors. 
> 
> From "Where I've Always Been". Meant to occur around Chapter 15, after Shili and before the 6-month time jump.  
> [See notes for cut info on this scene]
> 
> This one is interesting as it is mostly canon to the story. Later on, after I had cut this scene, I implied that Barriss didn't know who Padmé was (memorial statue scene) or much about Ahsoka's past. Or rather, she doesn't until they start their game. However, I think you can rationalize it away as Barriss just not knowing what she looked like and Ahsoka not wanting to talk about anything for a while. In any case, you can choose to place it in the story or not.
> 
> *Spoiler Warning for WIAB*

“Sorry, my dear, haven't seen him in quite a bit. Nothing unusual for him. Always comin’ and goin’ he is. Last we spoke, said he was here to help a friend. Going to the royal court, maybe it was. Never saw him again after that.”

Ahsoka slumped her shoulders. _Of course not. Palpatine wouldn't have left Obi-Wan Kenobi wandering around unattended._

Barriss said, “Thank you, ma'am. We appreciate your time.”

The old woman chuckled. “Well, aren't you a polite one. Sorry I can't help you find my Obi-Wan. If you do, tell him I'm still holdin’ his new robe from the dressmakers. Oh, but wait, youngins—he did say something about visitin’ that Padmé Amidala, while he was in the city. Not sure that helps you now, given events, but figure I'd mention it.”

Ahsoka perked up. Padmé had been elusive. She wasn't in Naboo, her home kingdom, and they had discovered no family or friends still alive to ask for information. They had intended to try staking out her home in Coruscant next, but they had to be wary here, as Ahsoka was most certainly of interest to Palpatine. “He was headed to see Padmé? Is she here in Coruscant? We've been looking for her, as well.”

The woman stared at her for a moment and then sad eyes filled with sympathy. “I'm sorry, dear one, thought you knew. Young Padmé died, round the same time Obi-Wan was here, as I recall.”

Squeezing her eyes shut, Ahsoka tried to maintain control. A reassuring hand gripped her shoulder and she opened her eyes slowly. “Do you know—know how she…?” She couldn't finish the question.

“Fraid not, my dear. I only heard about it from old Jho down the way. Big news and all, given her status in the Emperor's court. Met her once myself, when she came round to visit young Obi-Wan. Seemed like a lovely girl. Shame to see a young life cut short, ‘specially since she was with child. Guess, that's two lives lost, really.” The woman's expression was sad, but it was clear she enjoyed discussing tragic events.

Anger rose swiftly and Ahsoka fought to hold it back. Everything was gone. Shili. Anakin. Father. Rex. Padmé. Obi-Wan. Plo. Even, her unknown niece or nephew. _I'm so alone._ Feeling the supportive hand tighten on her shoulder, her mind calmed. _No, Ahsoka, you're not alone. Try to remember._

Barriss spoke again, “Well, again madam, thank you for your time. I hope you have a pleasant rest of the morning.”

The woman chuckled again and shook her head. “And, who says young people don't have manners! I can't wait to tell old Jho about you, young lady.”

Smiling gratefully, Barriss backed away from the woman, taking Ahsoka's arm and guiding her out of the small entryway at Obi-Wan's residence. Former residence. He was gone. _Dead like everyone else. You always knew this was going to be the outcome, Ahsoka. All this searching to find out what you already knew._ There was nowhere else to look. No one else to look for. That was it. They were all gone. This was the end of the line. And, Ahsoka's rope had run out.

As they walked down the street, Barriss glanced over to Ahsoka, before sliding her hood back over her head.

She knew Barriss was waiting for her to speak, but Ahsoka couldn't focus. Even staying upright was taking all of her concentration. She wanted to cry, scream, or just… die. _Why I am still here? What makes me so special? I'm no one. I'm nothing. What's the point of any of this?_

Suddenly, gentle hands halted her progress and turned her. Barriss pulled back her hood and looked into Ahsoka’s eyes. “Don't even think about giving up. I… need you. Please.” The opposing eyes were pleading and supportive at the same time.

Strength seeped back into Ahsoka as she gazed into the deep, piercing blue. _Barriss needs me. She's all I've got. I can't fail her._ Ahsoka lifted a hand and placed it on Barriss’ cheek, smiling softly. “Don't worry. I'm with you, remember? I’ll be here, until the end of the line.”

Barriss smiled shyly. “Thanks.” She lifted Ahsoka's hood over her head, before replacing her own. Then, she grabbed the hand still on her face and led Ahsoka out of the city.

_I can do this. I'm not alone._ Ahsoka tightened the grip on the hand holding hers. _I'm needed._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was cut because it had nowhere to go and it's short and non-critical to the plot of WIAB. It simply bridges the time between Ahsoka discovering Shili's destruction and her moody, depressive self, still trying to be strong for Barriss, six months later. I wrote it because I thought it would be true to Ahsoka's character to look for people she had lost. However, I think I simply implied later that she had discovered this in the intervening time period. It also was meant to showcase how much the two need each other and move their relationship forward a bit.


	8. Solitary Survival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barriss encounters her childhood nightmare, while Ahsoka deals with being alone.
> 
> *Spoiler Warning for WIAB*
> 
> From "Where I've Always Been", originally chapter 27. This was meant to be a chapter on it's own to do a few things:  
> 1\. Show Ahsoka's growing dependency on Barriss which gets dealt with later  
> 2\. Strongly hint at Force abilities for both women and that the force exists in this world, including animals having a connection to it  
> 3\. Show Barriss' increasing confidence in dealing with her fears  
> [see end notes for cut details]

Ahsoka jerked awake and reached for Barriss, but she wasn’t there. Briefly panicking, she twisted around desperately, until she remembered reality. Barriss was on an extended mission. It would be another week before she was back. _Seriously, Ahsoka? You can’t even survive a couple of weeks without Barriss, before going over the edge?_

Shaking her head, Ahsoka laid back down, but sleep wasn’t returning. For some reason, she just couldn’t sleep while Barriss was gone. And, it was driving her crazy. _There is something seriously wrong with you._ Ahsoka hated being alone, in general. She definitely hated being alone without Barriss. But, she could usually sleep. Over the last two weeks, that had changed. Even when she did fall asleep from exhaustion, she always woke up in a panicked state. _This is getting ridiculous._

Ahsoka had no idea what was wrong with her. They split up for missions on occasion. Ahsoka always missed Barriss and was anxious for her return. But, this was different. Why this particular time was causing her so many issues was a mystery. Plus, a slow buzzing had invaded the back of her mind. Ahsoka hated that feeling.

Thinking through the possibilities, Ahsoka contemplated. Understanding her emotions was not exactly a strength. She usually didn't even bother trying, but this was becoming untenable. Perhaps, it was just being alone for the first time since knowing Barriss loved her? Maybe, it was not knowing if the woman she loved was safe? For all Ahsoka knew, she just couldn’t sleep without Barriss’ warmth on her chest, anymore.

Slamming the ground with her fists, Ahsoka growled. This was getting her nowhere. She would never figure it out. And, it was ridiculous. _What if she doesn’t come back?_ The thought made her chest tighten in sudden panic and she struggled to push it away. _Don’t be stupid, Ahsoka. She always comes back._

Perhaps, she didn’t need to figure out the cause to find a solution. Closing her eyes, Ahsoka let her mind wander instinctively. Suddenly, an image of Barriss hunched in tree branches flashed before her eyes. The woman had her bow out and was reaching for an arrow in her pouch. When the head came back up, Ahsoka could see directly into the piercing, blue eyes. There was focus and concentration, but also something else. Something that made Ahsoka’s breath catch. It was fear, intense fear.

Jerking out of the images, Ahsoka jumped up and quickly gathered her belongings. She sprinted out of the camp, refusing to stop, until she reached the woman she loved.

_______

Barriss desperately tried to think of a solution. The last five arrows had done nothing to assuage the Nexu from its restless prowl around her tree. The predator made a feline jump up the side of the tree, gripping it tightly, and Barriss fired another arrow into one of its evil-looking red eyes. Yowling in pain, it fell from the tree. But, it quickly rolled up, pawing the arrow out of the wound, and resumed an even more enraged circling of Barriss’ tenuous position. _Seriously? This thing is unbelievable._

She hated Nexus. Growing up in Coruscant meant she didn’t have a lot of experience with wild creatures. But, in her travels, she had found a strange appreciation for most of them, even the dangerous ones. Something about the wild freedom and savage beauty was compelling. _But, not Nexus._

The older children in the gang had shown her sketches of a horrible, terrifying looking beast with razor-sharp claws, long teeth, and sharp quills. They had regaled her with tales of Nexus ripping children apart a piece at a time, while they were still alive, undoubtedly to torment her nine-year old self. _Well, it worked._ If there was anything in this world Barriss was deathly afraid of, it was Nexus. Just the thought of them made her muscles paralyze with fear.

Now, she was looking at a live, angry, deadly version below her. She shivered and tried to push the rising panic back again. Barriss wasn’t afraid to die. But, dying by Nexu was… too much.

There had to be a way out of this. She would eventually run out of arrows. And, it was too much to hope the Nexu would grow tired of waiting. As Barriss gazed into its remaining three eyes, she knew that would never happen. _It wants me. And, it will probably get me._ Perhaps, when it came to it, she could defeat it with her sword. It was unlikely, given the tough hide and resistance to pain the creature obviously had. Still, it was the only hope she had left.

Barriss tried to strategize the best angle of attack and points of weakness to exploit. As she thought through possibilities, Ahsoka’s face floated into her mind. The woman she loved might never even know what happened to her. She might think Barriss had just abandoned her. The thought made Barriss panic further. _No, she wouldn’t think that. She knows I would never leave her. Doesn’t she? Of course, she does._

Ahsoka would be alright. _Wouldn’t she? She doesn’t need me. She shines even in the darkness._ Still, a small doubt worked its way into her mind. Since their relationship had changed into a romantic one, Barriss had been growing concerned that Ahsoka was depending on her too much to be happy. And, it scared Barriss. If something happened to her, which was looking likely at the moment, she needed to know Ahsoka would be alright. _How do I bring it up, though? I don’t even know if I’m right about it. This is a pointless conversation with yourself. It doesn’t really matter now, does it?_

The nexu made another lunge at Barriss and almost succeeded. Her distracted thoughts had left her unprepared for the sudden onslaught and she struggled to quickly release an arrow, glancing it off the left side of the feline uselessly. Still, it did result in the creature dropping back to the ground to continue its frightening prowl around her. _It knows it's wearing me down. Probably can sense it._

 _Fitting. I always thought I would die alone… No. Not anymore. Not if I can help it._ Looking back down at the creature, Barriss steeled her resolve. She wouldn’t go out without a fight. “If you want me, you’re going to have to do better than that.”

It abruptly stopped moving and gazed up at her, as if it had understood the words.

Barriss was startled and looked for a long moment into its eyes. As she did so, unexpected sympathy surfaced for the terrifying beast. It was only trying to survive after all. It couldn’t help what it was. Suddenly, the panic permeating her mind receded, replaced by calm. Still gazing into its eyes, she said softly, “I’m sorry. But, I might have to kill you.”

It stared back at her and Barriss could have sworn she saw a brief flash of acceptance. Then, it resumed its restless prowl around her tree.

_______

Ahsoka approached the area, running the images through her mind. _Yes, this is it. I recognize the trees._ She had headed toward Kashyyyk, where Barriss was supposed to be. From there, Ahsoka had followed her instincts, wandering aimlessly through the surrounding forest. It had worked. She was here. And, she knew it.

A buzzing danger flashed into her mind and she swung around to see a Nexu flying through the air toward her. Ahsoka leapt out of range of the vicious claws aimed at her head and quickly rolled up into a running flip, swinging her swords viciously over its body as she passed above it.

It screamed in pain, but slid around swiftly to face her and charged again. Ahsoka spun out of the way, gripped a tree branch above her head, and swung forward, using her momentum to kick hard at the body sailing by her. The force of the contact made her entire body vibrate painfully, as if she had just slammed her legs into a unmovable force. But, the Nexu flew across the small clearing. When it resumed its standing position, it seemed dazed.

Ahsoka dropped from the tree and adjusted her grip on her swords, preparing for its next move. But, the creature remained motionless. It’s feline body tensed, crouched for attack, but nothing happened. A predatory face assessed her. Ahsoka noticed the pockmarked body and the bloody gash where an eye should have been and understood everything. Barriss and this Nexu had been having a long, protracted battle. The outcome of which was currently unclear. Meeting its remaining eyes directly, Ahsoka said, “You better not have eaten the woman I love, Nexu. I will not be pleased.”

It stared back at her and, for a moment, Ahsoka could almost imagine it understood what she had said.

_______

Barriss surveyed the area below for the third time. The Nexu had indeed left. But, she didn’t trust it. It was wily. _I wouldn’t put it past him to trick me into coming down to him._

But, if it was gone, she had to move. It was her best chance. Hovering indecisively, Barriss tried to calm her thoughts. She somehow knew that this particular Nexu would have never given her up. Yet, it apparently had. Why? It had sensed a threat approaching that outweighed its interest in her, perhaps. _Or, this is all a trap. Come on, Barriss. Get it together. It’s a Nexu, not Palpatine._

The odds were more likely it had sensed something else. Whatever that something was, it wouldn’t distract the creature forever. Barriss needed to move. Making her way down the tree slowly, staying hyper-aware for any movement, Barriss’ feet finally hit the ground. Hugging the trees, in case she needed to scurry up one quickly, she stealthily made progress away from the death trap.

Her mind suddenly processed the idea that she actually might live and her body started to relax. Entering a small clearing, she halted in paralyzed shock. Ahsoka was standing eye-to-eye with Barriss’ Nexu. Both of them shifted their attention to her. _What is she doing here? What is it doing just staring at her?_

Barriss glanced between them anxiously. Surprisingly, she didn’t feel panic, despite standing in clawing distance of her childhood nightmare. Ahsoka was here. Everything was going to be alright.

Ahsoka grinned and shifted her attention back to the Nexu. The creature tensed and eyed her warily. “Excellent, Nexu. I thank you for your restraint. In return, I will give you your life. You may leave.”

Barriss’ mouth gaped open. _What is she doing?_ The Nexu gazed at Ahsoka, hunching its shoulders back, and Barriss expected an attack at any moment. She slid her hand down to her sword slowly, when the creature jerked back to her at the motion.

Ahsoka lifted a warning hand. “Don’t move, Barriss. Don’t attack. Don’t do anything.” She looked back to the Nexu with fierce eyes. “I know you’re alone. And, it hurts. But, dying here won’t help anything. You are no match for us.”

 _What the…? I’m in an alternate reality. Ahsoka is talking to this thing like it’s a person. And, it's… listening._ Barriss was startled by the thought. Yes, there was no other way to explain it. It was listening. She briefly considered whether she had actually already died by Nexu and was somehow experiencing the Great Force everyone supposedly went to after this life.

The creature shifted its attention back to Barriss. Forcing herself to meet its disconcerting, red eyes, she saw… pain. Barriss held onto its no longer frightening gaze, speaking earnestly, “You were a worthy opponent, my friend. I hope you find what you need.”

Acceptance flashed and the Nexu suddenly turned and sprinted away from the clearing.

Barriss stared after it, confused amazement overwhelming her mind. Nexus were not sentient creatures. At least, she didn’t think they were. _Maybe, I should do some research. Oh, yes, please research the thing that makes you go into panic attacks, Barriss. That’s smart._ Still, this entire situation was impossibly ridiculous. _Maybe, I am dead, after all._

Warm arms suddenly wrapped around her tightly, not letting go. Barriss smiled happily. _Nope, definitely not dead._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was cut because I never really liked how it turned out. Also, I couldn't get the force connection to the Nexu quite right. I wanted it to understand, but not be too obvious and to be open for interpretation. It ended up being pretty unsubtle. And, I wanted to to be subtle. It wasn't really needed in the end, so I gave up trying to perfect it. 
> 
> Funnily enough, when I re-read it for posting, I kind of liked the idea of exploring this force-attuned, lonely Nexu. Who knows, maybe I'll write a sequel where Nexu returns, ha.


	9. Fives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahsoka is desperate and Fives saves the day.
> 
> This is a brand new, companion scene to "Loyal Soldier" that incorporates elements of "Where I've Always Been". 
> 
> *Major Spoiler Alert for Loyal Soldier pre-Chapter 5*  
> If you haven't reached Chapter 5 of LS and don't want to be spoiled, don't read it. Generally, if you haven't read LS, this scene won't make much sense to you. Fair warning.

“Hmm… what's the trade? It had better be good.”

Ahsoka grinned at the woman lying next to her as the campfire glowed comfortably at their feet. “What? All I asked was if you ever had any significant, um, dalliances? I mean, how dramatic a question can that be?” _I just want an idea of your feelings on the subject, Barriss. Don’t make this difficult._

Barriss raised an enigmatic eyebrow. “Ahsoka, I was a spy. That's the definition of dramatic.”

Now, Ahsoka became suddenly anxious. Really, did Barriss have that many? For some reason, she had assumed the answer would be very undramatic. She couldn't even imagine Barriss bothering with romantic entanglements at all—certainly, not casual ones. That made Ahsoka even more nervous. _Has she been in love with someone else? What does that mean, Ahsoka? It's not like she's in love with you. Who's the else?_

Barriss was gazing at her, an unreadable expression in her eyes. “Ahsoka, what's the trade?”

“Nevermind,” Ahsoka tried to reply casually, “forget I asked that one. I’ll think of something different.” _I really don't want to know._

Her friend was staring at her now. “What's wrong?”

“Nothing!” Ahsoka plastered a smile on her face. “I don't have anything good to trade, I guess. I'll keep thinking.”

“Ahsoka…”

“It's fine really! Let’s just talk about something else, please?” She was getting desperate. If Barriss kept this up, it would become obvious why she didn't want to talk about it.

Sighing, Barriss shifted and laid her head on Ahsoka, edging it further onto her chest than usual. “Alright, tell me something else you want to talk about, then.”

Stomach cartwheeling repeatedly at having Barriss’ head pressed against her, Ahsoka tried to think of something. But, at the moment, all her mind thought of were questions about the same thing. _Who? When? Was it serious? More than one? Gods, I hope she sleeps like this all night._

Barriss lifted her head to look into Ahsoka's eyes. “Why did you change your mind?”

Jolted at the directness, Ahsoka averted her eyes quickly. “I don't know what I'd trade is all, if it's that dramatic on your side. And, I was surprised, maybe? I guess, I didn't think—well, I just never pictured you…” She winced. This was not working. Any lie she told would seem insulting or unconvincing.

Unexpectedly, Barriss laid her hand on Ahsoka's stomach. Her eyes seemed contemplative as her fingers moved in small circles over the leather jerkin under them. “I see. You thought you were going to get an easy victory. I wouldn't have any dalliances to report, you'd cry foul, not tell me your story, and then get two free stories out of me later, after making me feel guilty?”

Ahsoka stared. “Um, maybe?” Sometimes, she thanked the Force for Barriss’ calculating mind. _Who thinks like that? Barriss does. There are Gods in the heavens after all._

Barriss gazed at her for a moment and then grinned slightly. “Clever. You're getting good at this.”

 _Wow. This is unbelievable._ Ahsoka smiled in relief. “Ok, so what do we talk about now?”

“Oh, I still want to know what you didn't want to tell me about.”

“What?” Ahsoka asked confusedly.

“Well, if you decided to cancel the deal, when you realized you wouldn't get out of telling your side of it, that must mean it's a good story. So, that's what I want.” Barriss flashed a grin and snuggled back onto her chest.

Ahsoka felt her mind spinning, either from Barriss’ breath lightly blowing on her lekku or from the massive mess she'd gotten herself into. _Probably both. Great, just great._ “Um, oh. Ok.”

“Don't worry,” Barriss said, “I'll still answer your question.”

 _Oh, even better. Now, I get the apparently dramatic details I don't want to hear about, in exchange for a story I don't have._ “Well, you go first then,” Ahsoka said, trying to buy time.

“No way. Not after what you just tried. I'm not falling for that. Never gonna happen.” Barriss rotated her head upward, without removing it from Ahsoka's chest, and raised an eyebrow.

Ahsoka laughed nervously. “Right. Very true.”

The woman raised her head again, looking into Ahsoka's eyes with concern. “You really don't want to tell me.”

Sighing in defeat, Ahsoka responded quietly, “It's not that. I just… don't know what to say.”

“I don't understand,” Barriss replied with confusion, “you're not making any sense.”

 _Tell me about it._ Ahsoka glanced around desperately, when a shimmering, green glint from the sword hilt above her head caught her eye. Suddenly, she knew exactly what story to tell. Sad happiness flowed through her heart. Lifting a hand to Barriss’ cheek, Ahsoka brushed her fingers across it. “Ok, let me tell you a story about a soldier, a princess, and devotion.”

Barriss seemed to shiver slightly. Then, she smiled happily and laid her head back on Ahsoka's chest.

Shifting her hand to Barriss’ hair, Ahsoka ran gentle fingers through the coal strands, feeling comforted by the action. “There once was a man named Fives…”

_______

When Ahsoka woke up the next morning, Barriss still sleeping on her chest, she felt a sense of content joy mixed with mild desperation. Gazing up into the sky, she said quietly, “Hey, you. I hope you're getting some twisted enjoyment out of this. You don't have to rub it in, though.”

She could almost hear Fives’ infectious laugh and see a cheeky grin flashing back at her. “You got this, Princess. Have I taught you nothing? Devoted loyalty and unconditional love. Keep it up and you'll get there. Oh, and don't forget to throw in some unfettered admiration every once in a while.”

A tear rolled down her cheek as Ahsoka whispered, “I miss you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first thing I ever wrote for this work. I've just now posted Chapters 4/5 of Loyal Soldier, which had to come first. So, I wrote this almost immediately after drafting the first half of LS as a bit of a love letter for Fives. I wanted to write something that illustrated Fives continued impact on Ahsoka, years later.
> 
> Side note--while Barriss' love life is not the intent of this scene, questions may be raised in your mind. All I can say is... what she means by 'dramatic' may be very different than Ahsoka's interpretation. She is the master of this game, after all.


	10. Nothing to Report

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After sharing her story about Fives, Ahsoka tries to ensure Barriss doesn't fulfill her end of their deal. 
> 
> This is a new, short follow-up to the earlier story "Fives". It is set between Chapters 18-22 of "Where I've Always Been". As in, additional clueless fluff with our favorite OTP. 
> 
> *Spoiler Warning for WIAB*
> 
> [See end notes for more details]

“Just consider that a bonus story. I can't accept payment for Fives,” Ahsoka said lightly, hoping it was convincing. _Please, don't tell me your dramatic details._

Finally alone, their mission completed, the women were laid out in front of the campfire. Before arriving in Malastare, they'd left off with the story about Fives. Now, Ahsoka was desperately trying to ensure Barriss didn’t fulfill her promised end of the trade.

Barriss stared at her with a strange expression. “Are you sure? I was going to tell you.”

“Yep. So, that means we're out of stories for the moment. Since we have three days of traveling ahead of us, we should probably negotiate a new arrangement, huh?”

“Seems reasonable…” Barriss paused contemplatively, before quickly adding, “I'll just use the same trade you so generously gave back to me—reporting prior romantic, uh, dalliances.”

Ahsoka couldn’t stop a grimace. _Good job. You're apparently not meant to keep your sanity. This is a conspiracy from the Force itself._

Barriss pursed her lips. “You are acting very strangely lately about this game. What's wrong?” She placed a hand on Ahsoka's cheek. “Do you not want to do this anymore?”

“No! I mean, yes, I still want to,” Ahsoka sputtered. _I just don't want the particular deal you keep trying to force me to take. Though, I will take your fingers resting on my skin for eternity._

“Ahsoka, you think I can't tell when you don't want to talk about something? For some reason, you've changed your mind about playing this game.” Her hand abruptly dropped and panicked eyes darted away. “Did I… do something wrong?”

“No!” _Great work, Ahsoka, bang up job._ Shifting quickly, she gripped Barriss’ face with both hands. “Look at me.”

Uncertain, blue eyes flickered reluctantly to hers.

Rubbing reassuring thumbs over the diamonds, Ahsoka said intently, “You didn't do anything. There's nothing wrong, I promise. And, I definitely want to keep playing. It’s one of my favorite things.”

A soft, relieved smile flashed in response. “Good. Because, I… like talking about things with you.”

Her heart filled with delight and Ahsoka gazed into the mesmerizing eyes, moving gentle fingers over the delicate cheeks. “Good. Because, I like hearing about things.” _Gods, I love you so much it kills me._

Barriss grinned happily for a moment and then laid her head on Ahsoka’s chest, resting a hand on the adjoining stomach.

The usual feeling of desperate joy didn’t come. Ahsoka just felt content. _You can do this. Let her tell you._ “So, where were we? Your dalliances and… hmm… I don’t know. What do you want to hear about?”

A head slowly rotated up and pensive eyes shifted around. Then, Barriss said hesitantly, “Maybe, we should do a different deal. I don’t think what I have to tell you would be worth it.”

Ahsoka stared down at her in confusion. “What?”

Barriss rushed out, “I don’t have anything to report. I was—at first, I was just trying to win. Then, I really wanted to hear your story. It sounded important. I was going to tell you the truth, but you didn’t make me. So, I tried again. I guess I overdid it. I’m sorry.”

 _Oh. Seriously?_ “Um, we could have just made a new deal for my story, you know,” Ahsoka said with both immense relief and some annoyance. _All of this for nothing? You were just trying to trick me?_ That was the game on some level, but Barriss wasn’t usually this deceptive. _That I know of, anyway. Ahsoka, you’re being ridiculous. It’s not like she knew how much angst it was causing. You’re the one who decided to freak out._

Nervous fingers pressed into Ahsoka’s stomach as Barriss lifted her head. “I know, I’m sorry. When you asked, I was trying to make it sound like more than it was or something. Then, I didn’t know how to backtrack.”

“But, just to win? Why make it sound super dramatic in the first place, if it wasn’t?” _Barriss likes to win, but not that much._

She averted her eyes, biting her lip. “I guess… I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t—I don’t know. Then, you were trying to use my lack of answers against me. So, I just kept going. I couldn’t help it, somehow. Everything spiraled out of control.”

The fingers on Ahsoka's stomach were trembling slightly. Then, it hit her. _She didn't want me to think she has never—but, she would only care if—Wait. Does that mean what I think it means?_ Piercing hope shot into Ahsoka's heart, until sudden horror flashed on top of it. _Oh Gods. You told her you were trying to use her lack of experience to win a freaking game._ She could barely hold back a strangled curse at her own stupidity. _You are a complete and utter idiot. Beyond an idiot. I have no words to describe how badly you've screwed this up. All because you were afraid of hearing about things that didn’t exist._

Bringing her hand up to Barriss’ now miserable face, Ahsoka rubbed the tattoos and desperately tried to find a way to fix her mistakes. She briefly considered just forgoing explanations altogether. The idea of simply grabbing Barriss and kissing her passionately was so very tempting. _I mean, if you're right about her reasons… No. Be strong. What if you're wrong? Or, what if she's not ready? Don't make a bigger mess than you already have._

Ahsoka responded carefully, “It’s ok. I’m not upset. And, I… didn't plan to use it, either way. I promise. I was just curious at first and, when you surprised me, I overcompensated or something. So, I’m sorry too.”

Hopeful eyes swung back and the fingers stopped trembling.

Giving an engaging grin, Ahsoka continued lightly, “In any case, you’ve now fulfilled your end of the bargain.” She ran a hand across Barriss’ nose to her other cheek, twisting fingers gently over it. “I'll tell you anything you want to know, ok?”

Barriss smiled shyly. “Thanks.”

 _I’m so sorry. I would never do that to you._ Ahsoka pulled the woman down to her chest, wrapping arms around her. “Everything is alright. Don’t worry.” Her heart pulsed happily as Barriss relaxed in the embrace.

A quiet voice said, “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”

She kissed the top of Barriss’ head, leaving her lips resting there for a few moments. Then, she spoke softly, “By being you. You deserve… everything.”

Slender fingers ran over Ahsoka's arm. “I don’t know why you think that. Still, it’s a good thing you do. Because, you’re never getting rid of me.” Barriss grinned up at her.

Joy flooded Ahsoka’s soul as she gazed down at the woman in her arms. “Good. Because, I definitely don’t want to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I wrote this one ages ago after finishing "Fives". I rediscovered it today as I was looking through all my random writings. And, I thought, hey I should actually post this! 
> 
> I wrote this mostly because I need no excuse to let clueless dorks be in love. However, I also found it an interesting exercise to pair it alongside the originating story of "Fives". But for Barriss' development, rather than Ahsoka's. Since both are from Ahsoka's POV, you don't know what is happening inside Barriss' head. It gives you some insight into how truly good at deception Barriss is, when she is making an effort. One could make the argument that she is consciously manipulative in the first story.
> 
> In my brainstorming for WIAB, way back when I started this journey, one of my character descriptions of Barriss was "master manipulator". Because we get so much of her POV, and she is mostly interacting with Ahsoka or other people she has opened up to, the point is usually conveyed with context. The word has a negative connotation, but at a basic level, it's really just a descriptor of how everyone tries to get what they want. It's whether you harm the other person to do it and how expert you are that makes it controversial. Ex. Ahsoka massaging Barriss' shoulders in order to get out of helping with communiques. But, you wouldn't normally describe that as manipulative, probably because Ahsoka means no harm. Also, Barriss sees right through it and seems to be fine with it, so we are too. Does Ahsoka know that when she does it, though?
> 
> Whether you think Barriss is practicing harmless manipulation in "Fives" or not is up to interpretation. We don't have her POV to know what's really going through her head. Ahsoka makes a guess here, but that's all it is. Even Barriss' apology explanation could be tailored to get the best results. Who knows?! Barriss: "I'll lie now to get the story. I can always cry later to get Ahsoka to forgive me. [3 days later] Uh oh. Time for tears!" (Ok, I don't know if I'd go that far, but now I've made you horrified to think Barriss just fakes everything haven't I?)
> 
> In the end, I operate under the assumption that the only reason Ahsoka can get any read on Barriss at all is because Barriss lets her in. Her guard is down with Ahsoka like with no one else. In the first story, she put it back up. Therefore, from Ahsoka's POV, Barriss is quite convincing. However, I did try to put some subtle clues in for my brilliant readers that Barriss wasn't exactly being forthcoming.
> 
> And, wow, I've rambled a lot about this simple story. Is anyone even still reading these notes at this point? If you are, you are a committed reader and I love you dearly. Ok, I think I need some sleep.


	11. Searching for Perfection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taking care of a family and running a rebellion takes a toll. Everyone knows real life is never perfect. Right?
> 
> This new story is primarily about Ahsoka/Barriss relationship development. However, Luminara also makes some progress in her overarching storyline of redemption and regret.
> 
> [Set between Chapters 47-48 of "Where I've Always Been"]  
> *spoilers for WIAB*

“Come on, Barriss, it’ll be fun!”

“Ahsoka,” her wife's voice radiated carefully controlled exasperation, “I did not send Luke, Obi-Wan, and Rex hunting, so you could to think up new things for us to do. I’m trying to catch up on these reports.”

She tried again. “But, how often are we without a moody teenager demanding our attention, not to mention no immediate missions to run? It’s like the most perfect situation ever! We should take advantage.”

“Why don’t you hang out with my master or Asajj? They have one less person on their plate, as well,” Barriss said absently as she picked up yet another parchment from her desk.

Blowing out a frustrated breath, Ahsoka replied, “Asajj went to track a bounty. Luminara is handling Obi-Wan’s stealth training sessions, while he’s gone. Besides,” she added dejectedly, “neither of them are… you.”

A small smile crept onto Barriss’ face as she continued reading.

Feeling sudden hope, Ahsoka walked behind her chair and started massaging her shoulders. “Come on, my amazing, brilliant, beautiful wife. We haven’t gone anywhere alone for ages.”

Barriss sighed with what sounded like regret and annoyance. “I’m sorry. I really do have a lot to do. Just because _you_ don’t have any current missions, doesn’t mean my job stops.”

“Your job never stops.” The words came out more bitterly than she intended. _Be supportive, Ahsoka._ Dropping her hands and moving away, she said, “Alright, I understand.”

“Ahsoka…I didn’t—” Barriss paused and then gave her a conciliatory smile. “Maybe, we could do something for a few hours? I just don’t think I can go on a multi-day trip to the wilds of the outer regions at the moment.”

“No,” she tried to reply brightly, “you’re right. It was a last minute idea. Get your work done. I’ll be fine. See you later.” With that, Ahsoka swiftly left the room, before Barriss could see the crushing disappointment in her eyes.

_______

“Is there a reason you are staring at the fire like it has personally wronged you, my dear?”

Jerking her head sideways to see a wryly amused Luminara Unduli, Ahsoka smiled weakly. “Well, you know fires, always thinking they are hot stuff.”

An eyebrow quirked. “Oh my. Now, I know there is something wrong. Your jokes are bad, but not _that_ bad.”

Giving her a brief glare, before slumping back into the oversized chair, Ahsoka returned her eyes to the flames. “It’s nothing.”

The woman floated across the sitting room, lowering herself into the seat next to Ahsoka. “It clearly isn’t nothing. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be sending death glares at inanimate objects, while telling terrible jokes.”

Ahsoka snorted. “I suppose that’s just a sign of how irrational I really am.”

“Tell me what the problem is, my dear. Maybe, we can find a solution. I suspect it isn’t as irrational as you believe. Either way, it’s obviously bothering you. Let me… help.”

Something in the tone caught Ahsoka’s attention. Shifting her gaze, she saw surprising intensity in the opposing eyes. _Well, that's… interesting._ Ahsoka still found the woman somewhat difficult to understand. The two of them hadn’t spent much time together, since Luminara's recovery from imprisonment a few months ago. Still, something about the voice and expression was comforting. _Odd._ _And, she does know Barriss well. Couldn’t hurt, I guess._ “Alright, we’ll give it a try. Remember, I did warn you.”

Luminara replied dryly, “I’ll keep it in mind.”

Releasing a deep sigh, Ahsoka rushed out, “Ok, here’s the thing. Lately, it feels like Barriss and I don’t spend any time together. I’m always on missions and, when I’m here, she’s always working. And, by working, I mean literally she doesn’t come to bed until I’m asleep. Then, I’m gone for another week and it starts all over again. It’s starting to—I don’t know, it’s not good. It’s not that it’s bad. It’s just… not anything at all. I’m sure this isn’t making sense.”

“Not true,” Luminara said encouragingly, “it makes perfect sense. Go on.”

Ahsoka stared at her. “Oh. Ok then. So, I had a plan to try to fix things. This week is a special anniversary for Barriss and I—well, apparently not so much for her. That’s the problem.”

“What was your plan?”

“Since the boys are gone and I don’t have any missions, I thought we could do something extra special to celebrate. I wanted to take her to the outer regions, but Barriss won’t go. Apparently, she’s too busy. I guess, once I got the idea into my head, I couldn’t let it go. Now, I really can’t think of anything else. And, yeah, that’s it.”

The woman seemed contemplative. Then, she asked, “Did you tell her why you wanted to go?”

“No, of course not. I wanted it to be a surprise and,” Ahsoka continued with rising enthusiasm, “it was all planned out. I had already gotten her a present to celebrate. Then, with the hunting trip and all, I realized I could make it even better. So, I tracked down some of our old stuff still around and thought we could go to the same campsite. I went through the storage crates and found her favorite blanket and—” she broke off, realizing how silly all of this sounded.

Luminara smiled warmly. “Ahsoka, you are very special.”

Averting her eyes, she mumbled awkwardly, “Oh, um, thanks.”

“I mean it, my dear. But, getting back to your problem—which isn’t irrational at all, by the way—I think your plan only requires some minor modifications to achieve success.”

A ray of hope hit Ahsoka's heart. Shifting forward in her chair, she met Luminara’s eyes intently. “Tell me how.”

_______

Ahsoka smiled as she heard Barriss walk into their room several hours earlier than usual.

“Hey,” a soft voice said, “I’m done working for now, do you want to do something?”

Looking up from polishing her sword, Ahsoka grinned. “Nope. You should get some more stuff done, while you can.”

Barriss gazed at her uncertainly. Crossing the room, she perched herself on the arm of the settee next to Ahsoka. “Come on. You were practically begging to do something earlier today. It’s not very often you get me out of the office this early. You should take advantage.” The woman gave a mischievous smile.

Ahsoka reached over and ran a gentle hand over her wife’s cheek. “Thanks, my dear, but I’m fine. Besides, you’ll wish you got more done when we leave tomorrow.”

That got a disbelieving stare coupled with a confused voice. “Um, what?”

Placing the sword on the floor, she grabbed Barriss around the waist and pulled the woman into her lap. “I said, we’re leaving tomorrow. So, you might want to finish up anything critical.”

Now, Barriss looked annoyed. “Ahsoka, I thought we already discussed this.”

“Yep,” she replied brightly, “and a very helpful discussion it was. As a result, I’ve made some adjustments to account for your concerns.”

“This is—you’re being—” Struggling into a sitting position in Ahsoka’s lap, Barriss fixed her with a stern gaze. “Tell me what is going on.”

“Nope.” Ahsoka grinned engagingly.

There was a long silence, before Barriss spoke with a barely concealed mixture of disbelief and frustration. “So, let me get this straight. I tell you I can’t go anywhere, because I’m too busy. Instead of accepting this, you have made even more plans for us to go somewhere?”

“Yep.” Ahsoka kissed her lightly on the nose. “In fact, I have arranged for your major duties to be taken care of in your absence, including the Naboo operation, compiling the intelligence reports, and the logistical orientation. Additionally, I have informed Draven and Madine of our location, in case something urgent comes up. All you need to do is finish anything that can’t wait until we get back. Oh, by the way, that will be five days from now.”

Her wife stared blankly at her, mouth opening and closing repeatedly.

Taking the opportunity, Ahsoka pressed her lips to Barriss’ forehead and murmured, “Shouldn’t you be doing some work or something?”

Leaning back, Barriss finally seemed to regain the ability to speak. “Ok, this is way more than just Ahsoka being bored. What’s really going on?”

Ahsoka replied impishly, “Not telling.”

“You can’t be serious.” Barriss’ face flashed with both annoyance and curiosity. “You're not going to tell me the reason for a major trip that you have clearly, and I should add, _unusually_ planned out to the last detail?”

 _Ha. Got ya._ She raised a Barriss-like eyebrow. “I’m quite serious, my dear.” Gripping under the woman’s arms, Ahsoka stood up—lifting and placing her wife on the ground. “Now, go get your work done, you beautiful, brilliant, amazing love of my life.” Running her lips over Barriss’ tenderly, she whispered, “We have places to go.”

Piercing blue eyes fluctuated between a multitude of emotions. When they finally came to a resolution, delight filled Ahsoka’s heart at the outcome. _Anticipation._

_______

“Ahsoka, seriously, can I take this blindfold off now? This is ridiculous. It’s been nearly an hour since we left the horses! I’m surprised I haven’t sprained an ankle. Plus, I’m almost positive you’re walking in circles.”

“Just about there,” Ahsoka replied excitedly, gripping her wife’s hand and leading her the rest of the way into the clearing. “Ok, stand right here for a minute. Do _not_ take off the blindfold or you will have suffered in vain.”

There was an exasperated sound in response.

Rushing around quickly, Ahsoka threw out the bedrolls, the supplies, the weapons, the old stacks of parchment, and added her special final item. She decided to leave the fire for this evening, but did create the space for it in the center of the campsite. Surveying the result, Ahsoka reconsidered and tucked the present back into her pack. _That’s for later._ Turning around, she saw a barely perceptible smile on her wife’s face. “Hmm… I think all of this supposed annoyance is simply a sham, to ensure I do your every bidding for the rest of the trip.”

Barriss glared to not very good effect, given half her face was covered.

Laughing with giddy anticipation, Ahsoka crossed back to her, removing the blindfold as slowly as possible. When one intense, blue eye was partially uncovered, she paused with a grin.

The eye rolled with amusement. Then, it darted around trying to ascertain their location.

Ahsoka blocked it at every turn. “No cheating.” She leaned forward, placing her lips on the eyelid gently. “Now, keep your eyes closed.”

A small grin formed on her wife’s face. “You are impossible.”

“Yep.” Ahsoka placed Barriss in front of her and removed the rest of the blindfold. Wrapping her arms around her wife’s stomach, she announced, “Ok, open your eyes.”

There was a sharp gasp. Barriss immediately tried to twist around, but Ahsoka tightened the embrace, kissing the back of her neck gently. “Happy anniversary, my dear. Ten years ago in this spot you made me the happiest woman on the planet—the day you told me you loved me.”

_______

“Kiss me. Right now.”

Ahsoka laughed happily as she grabbed Barriss’ hand, stepping back and spinning her around, before quickly pulling her into strong arms to deliver a passionate kiss.

It was at that moment that Barriss realized how unhappy she had been over the last few months. In trying to fulfill her duties as a rebellion leader, a loving aunt, a caring friend, and a supportive apprentice, she had let her wife slip away and hadn’t even noticed it happening. Pulling Ahsoka as tightly to her as possible, she deepened the kiss. _I'm so sorry. Never let me go._

When they finally broke apart, Barriss ran slender fingers across her wife’s cheek. “I love you so much.”

“Mmm… that's good. Otherwise, this would have been a very anticlimactic trip.”

As she stroked Ahsoka’s face, amazed joy flowed through her. "What did I ever do to deserve you? I can't even—” she broke off as horror replaced the joy. “Oh Gods, I wasn't even going to come. I almost ruined everything!” _You didn't even connect the date, Barriss. You really are the worst wife on the planet._

“Nope, none of that,” Ahsoka replied firmly, “you were right. I was being unreasonable. You’ve had a lot going on and it's not like I told you why I wanted to go. But, thanks to some expert help, I did it properly and here we are. So, I want no more undeserving, everything is my fault Barriss, for the remainder of the trip, got it?”

She smiled softly. “For you, my darling wife, anything.” _I mean it._

Grinning devilishly, Ahsoka tightened her embrace. “Anything, did you say?”

Rubbing her thumb across Ahsoka's lips, Barriss giggled for the first time in what felt like forever. “Definitely.”

_______

As they lay curled up by the warm fire, Barriss suddenly asked, “What expert help?”

“Hmm?” Ahsoka mumbled as she tucked her head into Barriss’ neck.

“You said you had expert help with getting me to come? It was very well executed. Who should I thank when we get back?” she said mischievously.

“Are you trying to say I wouldn't have come up with the same plan on my own?!” Ahsoka cried in mock indignation.

Barriss twisted her head around and grinned. “No, you probably would have figured out a way. Though, the specific, um, method may have varied. Ahsoka and detailed planning are sworn enemies. I would have ended up being carried off in the middle of the night or something.”

She laughed. “Hey, that’s not a bad idea. I should have thought of that. In any case, Luminara made it unnecessary.”

Her wife's eyes widened and then turned thoughtful. “I shouldn't be surprised, I suppose, but I am.”

“So was I, actually. It took her all of two seconds to give me a successful strategy, after I'd been moping for hours without success. Plus, she helped me arrange everything that needed to be done quickly. I'll have to buy her a nice, new cloak or something.”

Barriss chuckled. “Make sure it has pockets. She really hates not having pockets. Oh, and get her a bright color! All her cloaks are that same drab brown. I always disliked that color. She will probably hate it. But, if you buy it, I bet she’ll wear it anyway,” the woman added ruefully.

“Advice noted. Though, I'm not sure why you think she'd ever wear something she hated, no matter who bought it!”

“No.” Barriss’ expression turned serious. “She seems to have some kind of attachment to you. Given how you started off, I find it strangely fascinating. Maybe, it's because you rescued her? I don't know. In any case, I'm almost positive any gift from you would get at least a token effort.”

Ahsoka stared at her. “You really think that, don't you? I mean we've barely talked since she's been with us. If you're right, it's probably just because I'm the closest thing she has to a daughter-in-law.”

“Oh, I am definitely right. And, no it's not because of me. It's something about you, specifically. One of these days, I'll figure out where it originates. It could just be your lovability factor, I suppose. Still, I have a feeling it’s more than that.”

“My what?” Ahsoka laughed.

Barriss grinned. “Your lovability factor—the projected likelihood that everyone who meets you, loves you. It’s high, just so you know.”

“Um, right,” she replied with amusement, “whatever you say. Though, I suppose Luminara did seem intent on helping me. She told me I was… special…” Ahsoka trailed off, feeling as if a memory was at the edges of her mind that she couldn't quite grasp.

Piercing, blue locked onto hers. “Well, she's definitely right about that.”

Ahsoka gazed at her wife happily. “I love you.” Brushing her lips across the soft skin beneath them, she added, “I hope you haven’t forgotten.” The words came out more tentatively than she intended.

Shifting completely to face her, Barriss cupped her chin and spoke each word with quiet intensity. “Never… gonna… happen.”

_______

“I have something for you.”

Barriss raised an impish eyebrow. “A present?”

Ahsoka finished putting away the fishing supplies from their outing and settled next to the campfire with an engaging grin. “Yes, actually.”

“Oh. Well, that was an unexpected response.” As she lit the fire, Barriss commented lightly, “Be careful, you’re going to spoil me. I’ll be expecting this level of treatment everytime our relationship has any remotely important date.”

“Hmm… good point. Maybe, I should save it for the anniversary of when we met, or when we got married, or when I asked you to marry me, or when you rescued me from prison,” Ahsoka continued thoughtfully, as if she was trying to pinpoint something, “or the day I realized I loved you, or the day you first laid on my chest, or the day I… wait, yes, the day you first laughed at something I said.”

Looking at her wife in amusement, Barriss replied, “Um, isn’t that when we met?” _I think. I don’t even remember if I laughed or not. I’m really terrible at this._

“Nope. You didn’t laugh until we were escaping the pit. So, that is two different days.”

Staring in mild disbelief, Barriss asked slowly, “You are—how do you even remember that?”

Ahsoka produced a truly masterful expression of wounded pride. “You expect me to not remember the day I first realized you were the woman of my dreams?! Besides, it was very memorable. Do you know how hard I had to work just to get a smile? A laugh was a big accomplishment! Plus, it doesn’t hurt that your laugh is so mesmerizing it makes even the stars dull in comparison.”

She gazed at Ahsoka for a moment, before throwing herself into the woman's chest. Warm arms slid around her. Barriss sighed happily, snuggling into the embrace. “I would say I don’t deserve you, but you’ve made me promise not to. Instead, I’ll tell you something just as true…” She looked up, meeting the fierce, blue eyes. “You are literally the best thing that ever happened to me. No one has ever been as happy as you make me.”

A rare, bashful smile appeared on Ahsoka’s face. “Wow. Um, I don’t even know how to follow that up.”

“You better believe me, my shining girl,” Barriss said tenderly, reaching up and brushing light fingers across Ahsoka’s lips, “because you are the definition of special and I truly can’t comprehend how you ever became… mine.” It was a struggle to not immediately tackle her wife to the ground and never let her go. _Let her give you the gift she is clearly excited about, Barriss. Control yourself for two minutes._ She flashed a small grin. “In any case, I want my present now. You’ll just have to think of something new for the anniversary of the time I stubbed my toe.”

Ahsoka’s face turned deadly serious. “Nope. That isn’t for another 3 years, 6 months, and 4 days. I’m sure there is another date in between, where I will need an appropriate gift.”

She laughed, noticing the delight that filled Ahsoka’s dilated eyes as she did. _I remember when I didn’t know why that happened. How was I so clueless?_ Barriss traced two fingers over her wife’s face markings. “You know, when I used to do this—before I knew you loved me—I had extreme difficulty controlling the urge to kiss you. But, Gods, I loved doing it and it was so very hard to stop.” She added softly, “It still is.”

An odd expression crossed Ahsoka’s face. “I never wanted you to stop. In fact, one time, I almost screamed in frustration when you did. Seriously, it literally started and I had to slap my hands over my mouth to stop it. I thought for sure you would notice and freaked out for the rest of the night. At the same time, I was desperately hoping you’d figure it out.” She smiled wanly. “I tried so hard to make you realize how much I loved you without ever saying it. Sometimes, I wasn’t sure I would survive the experience.”

“Well, it wasn’t great for me, either,” Barriss replied dryly, “which seems ridiculous now. It was so obvious. I mean Rex figured it out in two seconds. Good thing I ran into him, huh? Otherwise, I might still be sitting here in desperate misery, waiting for an excuse to lay my head on your chest.”

“No way.” Ahsoka put up a forceful hand for emphasis. “I would never have lasted this long. My resolve was strong, but not _that_ strong. Still, good point, I should probably add the date you found Rex to our anniversary calendar.”

Barriss rolled her eyes. “At this rate, we will be celebrating everyday for the rest of our lives.”

Fierce, blue eyes locked on hers with intensity. “That is kind of my point.”

Losing control, she sat up and grabbed Ahsoka's face, kissing her deeply. Finally stopping with excruciating reluctance, Barriss pressed their foreheads together. “I don’t know if I can find any other way to say how much I love you. So, you better give me my present, before I run out of them.”

Hands gripped Barriss’ face, pulling her back to look into shining eyes. “I don’t care if you say the same thing over and over again. You could be mumbling nonsense for days and I would still be the happiest woman on the planet. I only need you next to me. How do you think I survived for so long?” Her wife smiled mischievously.

 _Oh, forget it. I can’t take anymore._ Wrapping her arms around Ahsoka, Barriss pulled them both to the ground, refusing to let go.

_______

As she laid on Ahsoka’s chest, firelight dancing off the warm body beneath her, Barriss realized she never wanted it to stop. _How did I forget how amazing this felt?_

She glanced up at her wife’s sleeping face with a surreal happiness. Running her fingers absently over Ahsoka’s stomach, images of the past floated through her mind. _I am so… lucky? undeserving? special?_ There wasn’t a descriptor that expressed it satisfactorily. Barriss just knew she was happier than anyone ever had the right to be.

Tomorrow, they would have to head back and the thought brought a wave of sadness. _Come on, Barriss. You can’t live like this everyday. It would become real life. Then, it wouldn’t be as special._ The rational argument didn’t help, though. She couldn’t get the idea out of her head that it didn’t matter how long they stayed like this. It would always be… perfect.

_______

Ahsoka sulked restlessly against a rock, while Barriss cooked breakfast. Their time was up and she was not happy about it. _Strange._ Days of doing nothing would usually be Ahsoka’s nightmare. Yet, all she wanted at this moment was to continue doing nothing for the foreseeable future. _As long as I was doing it with Barriss, anyway._ She knew it was irrational. The perfect contentment she’d found over the last few days would never have lasted indefinitely. But, right now, that knowledge didn’t make her any happier about losing it.

Barriss remarked, “I don’t want to go back, either, you know.”

Jerking her head up, Ahsoka grinned slightly. “Is that supposed to make me feel better? Now, I know we’re both unhappy.”

There was a small chuckle in response.

Jumping to her feet, Ahsoka crossed to the fire and knelt down behind her wife, sliding arms around her waist as she cooked. “I still haven’t given you your present, my dear. You keep distracting me.”

“Hmm… well, if you weren’t so amazingly beautiful when you tried to do it, I might be able to control myself better.”

Ahsoka kissed the back of her neck. “I’ll see what I can do. Would you prefer to accept it blindfolded? I happen to have one handy.”

“Yes, that would be effective.” Barriss put up mock grateful hands. “Ohhh, Ahsoka, I love it! What is it? Can you describe it to me, please?”

That resulted in a fit of laughter for both of them. Suddenly, Barriss pulled the fish off the fire and then tackled her to the ground. The woman tucked her head into Ahsoka’s neck, stretching a slender arm across her chest, and murmured contentedly, “Mmm… I like this position better for present giving.”

Ahsoka laughed with pure happiness and ran gentle fingers through her wife’s hair. “Well, it’s going to be a bit difficult. This is especially true, because it’s in my pack way over there.”

“I suppose I can go a little longer without it,” was the impish reply.

“After all this buildup, the new pair of socks I got you is going to be quite a letdown.”

Barriss lifted her head and grinned. “Are you telling me that after planning the perfect anniversary celebration, wrangling me into coming, and then spending three days telling me in new and creative ways how amazing I am, the best present you could come up with was… socks?”

Ahsoka shrugged innocently. “A girl can only think of so much, before the inspiration runs out, you know.”

Moving her head up to run her lips over Ahsoka’s jaw, Barriss said softly, “It will be the best pair of socks ever. In fact, I may never take them off.”

“In that case, there is no way I’m giving them to you. Aside from the hygiene concerns, I absolutely refuse to be party to anything that results in an article of clothing you never take off,” Ahsoka replied with a devilish grin.

Clearly trying to hold back a laugh, her wife replied in mock seriousness, “In that case, maybe you’d better save the socks for our fiftieth anniversary.”

“Um, what makes you think I’ll be any more willing to let you keep any article of clothing on then?” Ahsoka raised semi-serious eyebrows.

“Oh Gods, you've done it again.” Barriss shifted completely on top of her. “I'm never getting my present.” Then, she immediately went in for a kiss.

_______

“Ok, ready?”

Barriss sent her eyes skyward. “Is that a trick question?” They were now only a couple of hours away from base and more than a day overdue. But, she was finally receiving her present.

Suddenly, there was an excited voice, “Aunt Ahsoka! Aunt Barriss!”

They both flipped around to see Rex, Obi-Wan, and Luke trotting into view.

Barriss groaned. “It's a conspiracy!”

Ahsoka just stared at them vacantly.

Luke sprinted off his horse with excitement. “I got a Tach! Uncle Rex said it was the biggest he'd ever seen!”

Putting a bright smile on her face, Barriss gave him a quick hug. “Wow! So, my nephew is an expert hunter now?” She quirked an eyebrow at the two men dismounting.

Rex smiled. “Getting there, actually.”

Obi-Wan gave an impressed nod. “He's quite naturally talented. We've promised him future trips to hone his skills.”

Luke beamed, but then glanced at Ahsoka nervously, who hadn't said anything and looked far away.

Barriss cleared her throat with concern.

Shaking herself slightly, Ahsoka grinned engagingly at Luke and grabbed him in a big hug. “Of course, he is! I expected no less!”

The boy smiled happily.

Ahsoka brushed affectionate knuckles over his cheek. “I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. We missed you!”

Barriss smiled warmly. “Indeed, we did. It was so quiet, we had to go on our own mission to make things more exciting!”

Luke smirked. “Um, why do I feel like that is kind of not a compliment?”

They all laughed and Barriss kissed the top of his head.

He ducked away, turning slightly red. “Really, Aunt Barriss? You’re not supposed to do that to hunters. Hunters are lone wolves, one with nature, above it all.”

Barriss looked at Obi-Wan with wry amusement. “And, _who_ would have told you such a thing?”

Obi-Wan raised innocent eyebrows. “I don’t know where the boy gets these ideas from.”

That got a fierce glare from Luke.

Flashing a snarky smile, Obi-Wan added, “Besides, your aunt kisses my head all the time.”

“Uh-huh.” Luke raised a highly doubtful eyebrow.

Barriss strolled over to Obi-Wan and pulled his head down, planting a kiss on top of it. “Happy now, my young hunter?”

The boy grinned triumphantly. “Yep. Now, that I know huntmasters have the same face as me, when you do it.”

Glancing at Obi-Wan, Barriss could see he did indeed have an awkward look on his face. She hissed in exasperation, “Really? You’re supposed to back me up here!”

He grimaced. “Sorry, you caught me off-guard.”

“Um,” Rex spoke up, “you can kiss my head anytime you like, my lady.” He bowed and gave her a devilish grin.

A smile crept onto Barriss’ face. “Nope. Only hunters, who specifically don’t want them, get my kisses.”

“In that case, it looks like I’ll have to fall back on the warrior approach to getting kisses from beautiful ladies—improvisation.” Quickly picking her up and swinging her around, Rex gave Barriss a quick peck on the cheek, before returning her to the ground.

Laughing affectionately, Barriss ran a hand over his chin. “Hmm… improvise away.”

Luke stared at them with intense interest, as if he was trying to memorize the interaction for future use. Then, he turned back to Ahsoka with a grin, who was smiling vacantly at them all.

Barriss gazed at her wife for a moment, before saying quickly, “Well, we've got a couple more things to finish up our little mission. You three go on and we'll catch up. Oh, I expect to hear all about your adventure when we get back, my clever boy.”

“I don't know,” the boy replied with a shrewd expression, “that sounds like it needs a quid pro quo.”

“Oh my,” she said amusedly, “I can see being a hunter has already gone to your head.”

Seeming to come back to herself, Ahsoka chuckled. “As it should!”

The boy twisted back to her with a shy grin.

Barriss took the opportunity to jerk her head meaningfully at Rex.

The man jumped forward and put an arm around Luke. “Alright, kid. Let's get back, so you can regale everyone with your feats. Plus, we need to get that Tach taken care of, before the glands dry out. The lessons aren't over yet!”

Luke smiled happily and waved as they trotted away. Obi-Wan raised what looked decidedly like snarky eyebrows at them, a slight smile on his lips, and then followed.

Ahsoka released a deep breath, but her eyes were still unfocused.

Crossing back to her wife, Barriss locked her fingers around Ahsoka's neck. “Are you still here?”

There was an embarrassed grin. “Yeah, I couldn't adapt that fast or something. It’s like we’ve been living a different life for the last few days. Though, it did make me realize, as perfect as it felt, I wouldn’t trade what we’ve got now. It’s an odd feeling. In any case, switching into Aunt Ahsoka mode was unexpectedly strange. And, now that I’m back in it, I’m having trouble focusing.” She shrugged.

“Hmm… well, let’s fix that.” Barriss pressed her lips to Ahsoka’s, gripping the back of her neck tightly. After a moment, she felt strong arms wrap around her as they both fell into the moment. After what seemed like a happy eternity, Barriss leaned back. _This doesn't have to be a different life. We can make it real life. Can't we?_

“Hey,” Ahsoka said softly, “now, you seem far away.”

“I was thinking,” she replied slowly, still formulating the idea, “why can't the last few days be our life?”

Her wife stared. “Um, ok. We can’t really hide out in the woods forever.”

“I'm not saying we should leave everyone we love and the work we've built. What I mean is… why can't we be like we were the last few days everyday? Is this making any sense?”

Ahsoka gazed at her contemplatively. “I think so. You mean it was easier, because there were no distractions and responsibilities. But, we were still the same people we've always been. So, even having those back—”

“Yes, exactly. We can still do it, if we prioritize. Or, rather if I do.” Barriss locked eyes with her. “I promise I will prioritize you. I'm so sorry. You have to promise to tell me, if I get distracted. Don't just endure it supportively. Tell me when you need me. I don't know—schedule a date or something. Make me pay attention.”

A brilliant smile formed on Ahsoka's face. “Only, if you promise to tell me what you need. Shockingly, I can—on very rare occasions—be quite demanding. Let’s be honest, I will keep you next to me forever if you don't stop me and the entire rebellion will crumble. So, you have to tell me when you need me to just be supportive or let you be. I tend to go too far one way or the other. I need help balancing.”

Barriss brushed her lips over Ahsoka's, feeling relief and joy wash away the sadness of the trip home. “You have a deal, my amazing, shining, wonderful wife.”

Full lips pressed against hers intensely. Leaning into the kiss, ethereal delight blossomed in Barriss’ heart. _Gods, it's like perfection._ As Ahsoka’s lips started tracing a path down her neck, she said impishly, “Um, small reminder, I'm still waiting for my present.”

Ahsoka groaned and kissed her one last time, before releasing her hold. “I’ve only been waiting weeks to give this to you. I better do it now, before someone else comes wandering out of the forest!” Reaching into her pack, she pulled out a carved wooden box. “Now, don't say anything until I explain it. You might think it's kind of strange at first.”

Barriss quirked an intrigued eyebrow as she took the box, opening it slowly. Inside was a magnificent dagger with intricately detailed patterns engraved on the hilt and what looked like silvery-blue Mandalorian metal for the blade. It was… beautiful. “Wow. It's incredible. Where did you—”

“Seriously? I just said don't say anything and what's the first thing you do?” Ahsoka asked in mock annoyance.

Dragging her eyes away from the box, Barriss glared. “Well, you just gave me the most beautiful dagger I've ever seen. What do you expect?”

Blue eyes shined with excitement. “Good, you like it as is. Things can only get better for me. So, I know I gave you the bow already and I don't want you to think all I do is give you weapons. Though, I have to admit, it is always my first inclination. There's just something about you with a weapon in your hands that is too amazing for words,” she said with enthusiasm.

Barriss snorted.

“In any case, my father had that bow custom made for my mother as a symbol of his love. It became something different for us, of course. It's trust and friendship, a reminder of the past and what we became. Everytime you use it, I don't think of loss. I think of how much I've gained. That's why it could only ever be carried by you. It's like watching… perfection.” Reaching into the box, Ahsoka lifted the weapon and held it up horizontally with both hands. “This dagger, though, is the future. Do you see the inlay on the hilt?”

Despite her best efforts, tears had pooled in Barriss’ eyes. She gazed through misty vision at the design and inhaled sharply. There were two symbols intertwined along the edges, crossed sabers framed by shining diamonds.

If Ahsoka hadn't been holding a razor sharp weapon between her fingers, Barriss would have tackled her immediately. As it was, the best she could get out was, “Gods, I love you so much.”

There was a happy smile, quickly replaced by a teasing one. “Did I say I was finished? You're terrible at instructions.”

Struggling to make her face impassive, Barriss waved a superior hand. “Very well, good warrior, you may continue.”

“As you wish, my lady.” Ahsoka's expression abruptly shifted, radiating intensity. “This dagger was custom made for you, down to the size of the grip and the style of the blade. It's to forever remind you—no matter what is happening around us—how much I love you, how much I'll always love you, and what your love means to me.” Fierce, blue eyes anchored to hers. “Because, I want you to carry my past _and_ my future with you.”

This time, Barriss grabbed the dagger with one hand as the other wrapped around the back of Ahsoka’s head. Pressing their lips together, she ran joyful fingers over the raised symbols on the hilt. _This literally is perfection._ Barriss broke away for a moment to say, “I really hope you were finished now, because I'm so not stopping.” Then, she resumed enjoying perfection.

_______

Barriss re-read the same sentence in the intelligence report for the twelfth time. Eyes wandering to the dagger on her desk, she ran gentle fingers over the hilt with a soft smile.

“Am I interrupting?”

She jerked up to see her master standing at the door in a… royal blue cloak. “Um, no, come in. Sorry, I'm a bit distracted today, I suppose.”

A smile played around the edges of Luminara’s mouth. “You've been distracted for two weeks, my dear. Though, I’d term it more as… happy.”

Grinning diffidently, Barriss replied, “Very possibly. I like your cloak. The color suits you.”

Her good eye rolled skyward. “Don't think I don't know who told Ahsoka to get me a different color. You always hated my cloaks. I'm convinced that's why you kept insisting on getting yourself new ones. It was some kind of subliminal messaging on your part.”

Barriss chuckled. “Well, if it was, it clearly failed spectacularly. Besides, I told her bright. That's only half bright. Apparently, she decided to split the difference. I'll have to register a formal complaint.”

A wide smile appeared on Luminara’s face. It was startling. Barriss still found herself somewhat off-kilter with this new version of her master. However, she recovered quickly, returning the smile. “What can I do for you?”

“Nothing really. I just wanted to… see you. And, to show off my new cloak, since I knew how pleased you'd be.”

“Oh. Well, um, that’s nice.” Barriss replied awkwardly.

Luminara gazed at her for a moment. Then, the woman’s focus seemed to drift to a distant, imaginary point in the air, something looking like regret crossing her face.

Barriss watched her, uncertain what to say. Trying a small grin, she asked, “Do you actually like it? Or, are you just appeasing Ahsoka?”

The expression shifted back to the more familiar dry amusement. “As shocking as it may be, my dear, I do like it. Besides, it has pockets.”

“Excellent,” Barriss said lightly, “I feel vindicated at long last. Though, technically, I should be offended Ahsoka managed to do something in a few months that I couldn't successfully accomplish with years of work.” An unexpected pang of hurt surfaced in her heart at the words.

The woman hesitated, before replying slowly, “Barriss, I know—”

“There you are!” Ahsoka exclaimed, walking into the room. “Did you happen to forget that we have a date, my brilliant, never stops working, wife?”

“Oh!” Barriss jumped up. “Is it that late? Hold on.” She swiftly started cleaning up her desk.

Ahsoka turned to Luminara with glee. “You're still wearing it! That must mean you don't hate it!”

There was an amused sigh. “As I told you when you gave it to me, Ahsoka, I like it. I can't help it if you don't believe me.”

“Yeah, but Barriss seemed to think it was a lost cause to get you anything other than brown. I won't even tell you what colors she suggested. Believe me, things could have been much worse. I mean, unless you enjoy magenta.”

Luminara grimaced. “I'm grateful for your restraint, my dear.”

Barriss glared at them. “I don't recall saying anything about magenta.”

“Uh-huh, you say that now,” Ahsoka replied impishly.

Picking up her dagger, Barriss brushed her fingers over the hilt, before sheathing it and looking back up.

Ahsoka was gazing at her with delight. “Shall we go, my lady?” She lifted an arm.

Luminara chuckled. “You two have fun.” As she walked out the door, the woman glanced back at Barriss. “By the way, if you ever get me a magenta cloak, I promise I'll wear it. Just for you.”

Barriss stared after her blankly.

“What's wrong?” Ahsoka asked in concern.

“My master is acting oddly today is all. But, I'd rather talk about where we're going on our date.” She took her wife’s arm happily.

“Somewhere fun,” Ahsoka replied mischievously, “at least, somewhere fun within walking distance.”

Barriss gave her a contented smile. “Sounds perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, this is what happens when you are having serious writer's block and decide to do a little random writing to try to get juices flowing. I just wanted to take a break from Loyal Soldier, as I was having extreme difficulties and hating everything I wrote. This story is where I ended up. Seriously, this story started out as a snippet of Luke, Rex, and Obi-Wan on a hunting trip. Which, by the way, I removed from the final version, since it had nothing to do with what resulted. I swear there is something wrong with me. 
> 
> Anyway, I figured I'd share the outcome with people, in case someone enjoys it. Then, maybe I won't feel completely like I've wasted a week that should have been used to finish the story I already have going! Sigh.


	12. In the Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barriss is hurt in a skirmish and Ahsoka tries to be the best. They both deal with the consequences.
> 
> This is something I wrote quite a while ago, but never posted. It takes place a bit before Chapter 22 of "Where I've Always Been". In other words, it's more cluelessness & fluff with some hurt/comfort thrown in.
> 
> *Spoiler Warning for WIAB*

A thudding cry rang out, sending chills through Ahsoka’s heart. She twisted in panic to see Barriss falling to her knees, an arrow lodged between her chest and shoulder.  _ No. _ Frantically scanning the canyon walls, Ahsoka spotted a sharpshooter on an elevated ledge. 

Suddenly, the archer tumbled from his perch with a reverberating scream. A satisfied smile flashed across Barriss’ face as the bow fell from her hands. Then, she collapsed unmoving to the rocky ground.  _ No. Please, no.  _

As several soldiers closed in on the prone figure, fearful fury blazed through Ahsoka.  _ No! _ She leapt into an arching flip, landing beside Barriss with an enraged growl and taking out the approaching enemies. Veins still pulsing with furious anger, the warrior spun out, slashing everything in her path.  _ You’ll all pay for this. _ Dazing into a blank rage, she accelerated her frenzied assault with brutal efficiency. 

“-soka… don't,” a soft voice penetrated her burning thoughts, “I-I'm ok.”

Ahsoka halted, mind snapping back into control, fury dissipating. Breathing heavily with sudden weariness, she assessed their position. Her ferocious onslaught had given the remaining soldiers pause and they were regrouping along the side of the pass. 

She swiftly slung Barriss’ bow and supply pack over her own chest, before charging the line. Ahsoka took down anyone with a ranged weapon and then sprinted back to her friend. Scooping the woman up, she completed a running leap onto her horse. Laying Barriss crossways to prevent jostling the arrow lodged in her body, Ahsoka urged her mount into a gallop. 

Tearing down the pass at an alarming rate, she well outdistanced the pursuing soldiers and began scanning the surrounding terrain.  _ There. That will work. _ Pulling to a halt, she listened carefully behind her.  _ About three minutes. _

Ahsoka dismounted quickly, grabbing the saddle bags and laying Barriss on a nearby rock. Then, she slapped the horse with a firm command. “Yah!” It took off wildly, continuing down the canyon pass. 

The woman rather ineffectively swept the dusty ground clear of her tracks and leapt onto the rock. Gripping Barriss in her arms, she twisted her way through the rocky terrain and slid into the narrow cave opening.  _ Just in time. _ A herd of galloping soldiers passed by without even glancing in her direction. 

Exhaling in deep relief, Ahsoka carried Barriss further into the cave. “Everything is going to be alright. Don’t worry.” There was a brief murmur in response. 

Finally reaching an open spot, Ahsoka placed the woman gently on the ground and began setting up a temporary camp.

_______

“Ahsoka, you can do this. Surely, you’ve done it, before? You were an army commander for years.”

“Yes, but that… wasn’t the same thing.”

Barriss stared at her. “What? Why?”

_ Because, I wasn’t desperately in love with the person I was pushing an arrow through.  _ Giving a pained sigh, Ahsoka said, “You’re right. I’ll try to do it as smoothly as possible, but I’m not an expert. I had healers for this sort of thing.” 

She tossed Barriss’ leather jerkin to the side, trying not to notice how mesmerizing her body looked in the remaining chamois top. That particular piece of clothing, with it’s thin shoulder straps, tightly clinging fabric, and low-cut fit, was a personal favorite of Ahsoka’s. Given the bloodstains currently decorating it, that wouldn’t be the case for much longer. _ Enough! She has a freaking arrow sticking out of her shoulder. Focus! _

Barriss smiled encouragingly. “I’d rather have you do it than any healer you throw in front of me.”

Ahsoka flashed an impish grin. “We’ll see whether you’re in the mood to compliment me after I’m finished.”

There was a brief snort. Bracing her uninjured side against the rock beside her, Barriss’ expression hardened. “I’m ready.”

Grimacing in dread, Ahsoka tossed away the already removed tail end of the arrow. Supporting Barriss as much as possible with one hand, she used the other to steadily push the arrow into the trembling shoulder, trying to keep the downward angle and avoid new damage. The process was agonizingly slow and Ahsoka couldn’t ignore the increasingly raw whimpers from the woman she loved.  _ Be strong. You have to finish. _

Once the arrow was almost flush, she shifted around the now shaking woman. Bracing a knee into the small of Barriss’ back, Ahsoka wrapped fingers around the bloody half of the protruding arrow. She pulled it out in one smooth, careful motion. There was an excruciating cry that made Ahsoka wince with terrible guilt.

Blood began to escape freely. Twisting around, Ahsoka grabbed the bandages and pressed thick wads to both wounds. She leaned Barriss back into her arms, while holding everything tightly in place to maintain the pressure.

The woman sucked in erratic gasps, face contorted with pain. 

Ahsoka stewed in miserable helplessness. “I’m so sorry.”

There was a slight head shake and a strained voice croaked, “You did good.”

She kissed the top of Barriss’ head. “No, you did. You are amazing. Now, try to rest. I’m going to clean the wounds and apply pressure bandages, after the bleeding slows. You’ve taught me well. I can handle it. Don’t worry.”

The woman smiled weakly up at her. “I don’t. I’m with you.” Piercing blue eyes fluttered shut and the breathing slowed.

Ahsoka watched the beautiful face relax. More than anything, at this moment, she wanted to kiss the woman lying in her arms.  _ I love you so much. One day, I really want to tell you that. Please, Barriss, let me love you. _

_ _______ _

Barriss opened her eyes in confusion, agony pulsing through her shoulder and back.  _ Force, that hurts. _ Yet, there was a pleasant warmth across the rest of her body. Shifting to look behind her, she realized why. 

She was laying on her uninjured side with Ahsoka's body curving into hers, a strong arm wrapped around her stomach.  _ Gods, this feels so good. _ Heat spread across her face at the thought, but so did a happy grin.

The woman holding her stirred with a slight murmur and tightened the embrace. 

Barriss slid her hand up to the protective arm, running slender fingers over it. _ Please, never let me go. _

The breath caressing the nape of her neck changed rhythm and a groggy voice said, “Are you ok?”

“I’m… more than ok,” Barriss replied softly.

There was silence for a moment and then a slightly more alert response came. “So am I.” Soft lips pressed against the back of Barriss’ neck.

A shiver ran over her and Barriss inhaled sharply. The arm around her tensed.  _ No, don’t stop. _ Quickly wrapping fingers around Ahsoka’s arm, she pulled it tighter. 

What sounded like a relieved exhale came from behind her. Then, Ahsoka tucked her face into Barriss’ neck. “Rest now. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

Amazing happiness flooded her heart.  _ I love you so much. _ Barriss whispered, “Good.”

_______

The next time Barriss awoke it wasn’t quite so pleasant. In fact, it was downright panic-inducing. Ahsoka was crouched defensively in the middle of the cave, fighting a gundark. 

Barriss jumped up and almost doubled over in pain at the overly quick movement. Pushing forward, the woman picked up her sword from the nearby rock. Immediately realizing there was no way she was going to be able to operate it with her left hand, which felt numb and sluggish, she switched it to her right. 

“Stay back,” Ahsoka yelled, “I’ve got this.”

“Never gonna happen,” she replied snappily and moved to the far side of the creature. There was a frustrated growl from Ahsoka, but Barriss didn’t stop. Waving her sword at the gundark menacingly, she screamed, “Hey you! Over here!” However, it was totally focused on Ahsoka, who was weaving in and out of its vicious claws.

Glancing around, Barriss spied a pile of sharp rocks. Picking up a few, she hurled them not very accurately at the creature. It finally shifted focus to her. Backing up quickly, she drew it away from Ahsoka. 

Hitting an unexpected rock, Barriss stumbled backwards and, without thinking, threw out her free arm to brace the fall. As she toppled heavily on her injured side, the agony was extreme and her scream echoed across the cavernous space. 

All of a sudden, the entire cave seemed to start crumbling around her.  _ What the…? I didn’t fall that hard! _

The gundark abandoned its quarry and swiftly moved deeper into the darkness to avoid the raining debris. 

Strong arms lifted Barriss and dragged her toward the cave mouth. The pain shooting through her body was excruciating, but she forced herself to keep moving. Finally, both women crumpled to the ground a short distance from their hiding place as terrible crashing sounds rang across the canyon. 

Barriss gasped in pain and exhaustion. “What happened?”

Ahsoka knelt beside her with exasperation, carefully tugging the jerkin from her arms to reach the underlying wounds. “You didn’t listen to me, that’s what happened. I had to bring down the whole cave to save you. Next time I tell you I’ve got something, you stay put!”

Jerking back angrily out of her grip, Barriss retorted, “I’ll do what I want, Ahsoka Tano! I’m not going to let you fight a gundark on your own!”

“Oh, because you were  _ so _ helpful? Next time I need someone to pelt me with rocks, fall over screaming, and send me into a panic attack, I’ll let you know!”

Barriss opened her mouth to retaliate, but Ahsoka’s eyes stopped her cold. Acute fear was shining from the normally unwavering blue. The fight abruptly drained out of her. Reaching a hand to Ahsoka’s cheek, she said softly, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. It’s hard to do nothing, while you are risking your life. I don’t want to… lose you.”

The fear vanished, replaced by something Barriss couldn’t pinpoint. Ahsoka gazed at her for a long moment, before saying, “I don’t want to lose you, either. I’m sorry I got upset. I didn’t mean it.” Then, she leaned forward, brushing her lips across Barriss’ forehead.

Barriss shivered slightly at the touch and brought her other hand up, so that she was cupping both sides of Ahsoka’s face. Ignoring the radiating pain the motion elicited in her shoulder, she stared into the amazing, fierce blue with incredible longing.  _ Oh Gods, please kiss me right now. Pretend you love me. Try to love me. I promise I’ll make you happy. Please. _

Not breaking eye contact, Ahsoka reached an excruciatingly slow-moving hand up to Barriss’ cheek. Caressing fingers started roaming across her face tenderly.

Refusing to move a muscle, afraid of shattering whatever was happening, Barriss tried to hold on to the moment. Her breathing elevated rapidly and her stomach fluttered with animated violence.  _ Please. _

Expression blazing with fervent intensity, Ahsoka’s face drifted steadily closer, until their lips were only inches away.

Then, out of nowhere, Barriss’ head began to spin and dizziness attacked her.  _ No. Don’t you dare, Barriss!  _ She locked on Ahsoka’s gaze desperately, struggling to remain upright.  _ NO. _

A rough voice whispered, “Barriss, I—” 

That was the last thing Barriss heard, before her traitorous body passed out.

_______

She worked feverishly to stop the profuse bleeding from Barriss’ reopened wounds.  _ What were you thinking?! _ Ahsoka had been so caught up in the moment, she hadn’t examined the injuries. Even now, the emotions were still roiling. Everytime her fingers brushed across the woman’s bare skin, tingling shocks ran through them.  _ Get it together, Ahsoka. _ Piercing worry mixed with heightened agitation as she began wrapping fresh pressure bandages. 

Despite her efforts, every thought continually wandered to a few short minutes ago. Barriss’ eyes had been so… intense. In that moment, Ahsoka had known Barriss wanted her, maybe even loved her. But, the surety was fading as the minutes passed.  _ Did I imagine it all?  _

_ For all you know, she was suffering from blood loss and overwhelming agony the entire time.  _ The more Ahsoka thought about it, the more depressed she became. It didn’t seem likely Barriss would be thinking about their relationship, while she was fading into a painful oblivion.  _ You’re so in love, you’re delusional. The woman you adore was busy passing out, while you sat there staring into her eyes. _

Finishing her work dejectedly, she moved them both to an overhang of nearby rocks, out of sight. Barriss now looked pale and was breathing erratically. Ahsoka’s anxiety immediately intensified.  _ Keep it together.  _ Leaning back against a jagged stone, she arranged the injured woman on her lap, running fingers over her forehead. Finally able to focus, Ahsoka considered options. 

Her instinct was to get Barriss to a healer as soon as possible. However, without transport, it was going to be difficult to travel. She would have to carry her most of the way. The soldiers hunting them might also still be in the area. Then again, the woman might recover on her own with time and rest. Exacerbating the injuries while travelling might make things worse.  _ You really have no clue. Why didn’t you bother to learn more healing skills from Barriss? _

Ahsoka took a mental inventory of their belongings. They had the healing pack and their weapons, but little else. Between the hasty escape from the skirmish and the cave collapse, they had lost quite a bit. The remaining rations would only last a couple of days. Staying here without supplies was a risk, especially if Barriss needed professional attention or didn’t recover quickly. Travelling had its own set of risks. Still, Ahsoka had always been a woman of action. 

Gently shifting her friend to the ground, she sorted through everything. Attaching Barriss’ bow and sword to herself, Ahsoka got rid of anything they could do without. Down to just the healing pack and the rations, she considered the best way to carry the injured woman. Deciding to cradle her, she picked her way down the rocks to the pass below. 

After only a few minutes of walking, she realized this was going to be much more difficult than anticipated. The combined weight was already taking a toll on her muscles. She considered other possible permutations for carrying everything.  _ I’ll just have to wing it, I guess.  _

Steeling herself, Ahsoka kept moving, determination filling her every step.

_______

“Hey, you.”

Barriss twisted her head around, feeling a wave of light-headed dizziness crash over her. Closing her eyes for a moment to regain equilibrium, she said weakly, “Where are we? What happened?”

“We’re almost out of the canyon and back to civilization. You’ve been unconscious for nearly two days.” Ahsoka’s voice betrayed deep worry.

“Two days? Oh Gods. I must have lost a lot of blood.” Barriss flexed her fingers and examined them with fuzzy vision. “Yes.” Her mind was slowly processing. “Wait. Did you carry me all this way?”

“Yeah, of course,” came the impish reply, “you think you floated like a Jedi?”

Barriss snorted, shifting her head carefully toward the voice. Her heart compressed with guilt. Ahsoka's elegant lekku were limp, the usually expressive face was drawn and pale, while tired-looking arms were propped gingerly on dusty knees. The woman was sitting, but the posture seemed awkward. “Ahsoka… you’re hurt.”

“Don’t be silly. I’m fine.” An engaging grin flashed. 

“No,” Barriss replied, voice breaking, “you’re not. You’ve been carrying me without rest, haven’t you? Have you been eating and drinking?”

“Sure. Told you, I’m fine.” The response was brightly delivered, but had an underlying tentativeness. 

“You’re lying. Don’t think I can’t tell.”

There was a resigned sigh. “There were only two days worth of rations. Plus, we lost the canteens in the cave-in, so I had to break out your super special, emergency hydrating things or whatever they’re called. There weren’t that many.”

“And? You split everything between us, right?”

Silence was the only response.

Barriss hissed a breath between clenched teeth. “Ahsoka Tano, if I could move, I might strangle you. You’re using much more energy than me. If you don’t take in nutrients you’re going to crash. What good will that do either of us?”

“It’s ok. I promise. Togruta can function longer without food and water. Besides, tomorrow, we’ll be safely in the local village. I can get something there. Hopefully, they have a healer for you, as well.”

“Are there any hydration packs left?”

There was a long pause and then an exasperated noise. “There’s one.”

Barriss locked onto the fierce blue eyes with vehemence. “Now.”

A mouth opened to argue, but didn’t get the chance. Barriss sat up, bright flashes appearing in front of her. Gritting in determination, she prayed she’d make it long enough to achieve her goal. “If you don’t do as I say, I’m going to attempt to stand up and force you. I might collapse as a result. And, you don’t want that do you?”

Ahsoka stared at her disbelief and then extreme annoyance. Her face fluctuated as she gauged the odds of refusal. 

Placing her hands on the ground, Barriss started to push herself up.

“No! Force it all, Barriss—don’t move!” Ahsoka rose with a pained groan and rummaged through her bag, pulling out the contested item. Hobbling over, she lowered herself to the ground and anchored her eyes to Barriss’. “We’ll share it, ok?”

“You are so difficult, sometimes! I swear, if you ever do something like this again, I will… I don’t know what I’ll do, but you won’t be happy about it.” Barriss inhaled a ragged breath at the exertion of so many words delivered with so much force and swiftly laid back down.

Ahsoka grinned endearingly. “Is that an agreement?” She opened the pack and sucked on it, looking impishly over the top.

Barriss tried to glare in response, but it didn’t last as the corners of her mouth curved up. “You are impossible.”

“Yep.” Ahsoka handed the pack to her with a meaningful look.

Sighing in defeat, Barriss sucked on it lightly, before trying to give it back.

“Nope. Not good enough.” Putting two fingers to her eyes and then pointing them toward Barriss with dramatic seriousness, Ahsoka stated, “I’m watching you.”

This time she managed the glare, but sucked some more. Finally passing inspection, Ahsoka took it back. 

As Barriss gazed at her, vague memories from outside the cave tantalizingly materialized. It had almost seemed as if Ahsoka had been going to…  _ No. Don’t be stupid. You were suffering from blood loss and extreme pain. You probably imagined half of it. _ The thought made her suddenly miserable. 

Ahsoka looked at her strangely. “Are you alright?”

She nodded, closing her eyes. “Just tired, I guess.”  _ And, desperately wishing you loved me. _

Warm fingers began stroking her forehead as a quiet voice said, “Rest now. Everything is going to be alright. Don’t worry.”

A sense of deep, contented happiness spread through Barriss.  _ I should be more grateful for what I have. _ She smiled softly, holding on to the moment. “I don’t. I’m with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's nothing like some hurt/comfort for fun! I should mention this entire story came out of one throwaway line I put in WIAB, where Barriss is complaining about 'that one time she woke up to a Gundark'.
> 
> On a side note, I've been travelling for work and am way behind on writing anything new for my existing stories. However, I wanted to throw something up to let you all know I'm still alive! Fortunately, I never know when to stop with these two, so I have plenty of random stories to choose from. Yay!


	13. Lifesaver

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahsoka falls deathly ill and Barriss fights to save her.
> 
> This is a new story, set between chapters 18-22 of "Where I've Always Been". Which is to say, it is post-realization and pre-declaration as all my super fluffy Ahsoka/Barriss stories are.
> 
> *Spoiler Warning for WIAB*
> 
> [See end notes for an important question! Well, important to me.]

“What’s wrong with your face?”

Barriss glanced up from packing the saddle bag. “Um, nothing that I know of…”

Ahsoka shook her head erratically, lekku twitching. “Tell me what it is.”

Crossing to the other side of the horse, Barriss stood in front of her friend. “There’s nothing.” She ran fingers over her own face to illustrate the point. “What do you see?”

A shaky hand touched Barriss’ left cheek. “Right here. It’s further down. It wasn’t like that yesterday. Why won’t you tell me what’s going on?” The woman's body trembled, a thin sheen of sweat covering it.

Taking the hand, Barriss massaged the fingers in concern. “Ahsoka, look at me. Concentrate on my eyes.”

The blue irises expanded and contracted rapidly. “Barriss… there’s something wrong with—”

The words stopped as Ahsoka collapsed.

_______

Barriss threw the medicines pouch in frustration. There was nothing in it that could help. _I don’t even know what’s wrong!_ Thinking desperately, she tried to recall every location, every incident, every potential danger they had encountered over the last several days. None seemed likely as potential causes of Ahsoka’s condition.

The woman on the bedroll stirred slightly, but didn’t wake. Barriss ran soothing fingers over Ahsoka’s forehead. “Don’t worry. I’m going to figure this out. You’ll be better soon.”

Continuing the absent movements over her friend's face, Barriss ran possibilities through her head. _Poison? Food? Animal bite? Disease? Head injury? Dehydration? Gods, it could be anything._ Each one seemed as unlikely as the last. They hadn’t separated in weeks. If any of those things had happened, Barriss should know about it. _Unless… she deliberately hid something from me._

Turning the woman flat, she examined her body carefully. _Wait. What’s that?_ Barriss had removed the armor and tunic, leaving only the strip of elastic fabric Ahsoka wore over her breasts. Something dark and barely perceptible was peeking from beneath the wrap. _Seriously? I can’t._

Grabbing a cloth, she pressed the surrounding skin, trying to get a better look. It was clearly the edge of something that shouldn't be there. However, only the barest hint of it was visible. _Mother of a sith._ She cleared her throat awkwardly. “Ahsoka? Can you hear me?”

There was an unintelligible murmur in response.

Barriss tried again. “Ahsoka, please focus. This is really important, ok? There is a wound or something on your chest. What is it? Where did it come from?”

A vague “...dunno… member… float,” rolled out.

 _Well, that’s helpful._ It couldn’t be a battle injury. There was no way to achieve a strike that would penetrate armor and underlying layers, yet leave no mark elsewhere. That left animal bite or toxic plant. _Too many options. I have no choice._ Taking a deep breath, Barriss rushed out, “Can I look at it?”

A strangled gurgle came from Ahsoka.

 _What does that mean? Yes, no, or I think you're a flying mynock?_ Barriss ran a trembling hand across her own forehead. _This is ridiculous. You’re a healer and her friend. She won’t care._ It wasn’t as if Ahsoka was modest. She walked around camp barely dressed on a regular basis, much to Barriss’ horror and delight.

 _It’s not like she knows you’re desperately in love with her._ Barriss shook her head. _But, I know._ It just seemed so personal, a violation of trust. Having a detached healer mindset would be impossible. _I can’t. You can. To save her life, you’ll do it. Not if I don’t have to._

Barriss leaned down, placing her lips at Ahsoka’s ear. “Please. I don’t want to do it without your permission.” Despite her best efforts, panic was seeping into her voice. “Focus on what I’m saying, _please._ Can I examine the wound?”

There was slight movement and Ahsoka’s eyelids flickered. “Trust… you.”

Releasing a breath Barriss hadn’t realized she was holding, her head dropped to Ahsoka’s cheek in relief. “Thank you.” She felt the warm skin on her forehead and took it in for a moment, before getting to work.

_______

Desperately trying to stay focused and ignore the mesmerizing sight on display before her, Barriss finished cleaning the strange wound. It was in an unusual position, running from the inner side of the left breast down to the space between both. However, it had split off in sickly veined strands from there. One of them was the leading edge Barriss had spotted, but three more spun out in all directions. _This is not good._

Sanitizing a healing cloth and wrapping her hand in it, Barriss prodded the originating wound, trying to see the shape and size. A small gasp escaped her lips as she spotted the four, diagonal pinpricks. _No. Oh, please no. Look again._

Her stomach turned violently as she bent closer, eyes desperately trying to change what they saw. Dread twisted into panic. _Stop. Don’t let it in._ Barriss slammed her eyes shut and regulated her breathing. _Good. Now, think._

 _Bathing in the lake near Kashyyyk. You were staying as far away as possible._ Scarno fish were toxic, but especially to Togruta. Centuries ago, less principled warriors supposedly coated their swords in the venom when going to battle. The practice fell out of favor as armies transformed into eclectic collections of species, giving no real advantage.

In any case, scarno were troublesome to capture. Keeping a steady supply of toxin was challenging for limited benefit. Only spies and other nefarious individuals bothered to carry it. _People like me. People like I used to be._ Barriss had gotten rid of any potentially fatal poisons years ago. Even if she hadn’t, it didn’t matter. There wasn’t an antidote. _That I know of. There could be._ Anyone who might know better was nowhere near their vicinity.

She gazed down at her friend in distress. Then, righteous anger blazed through her heart. _Why didn’t you tell me? It had to be painful. I could have gone straight to a professional healer for help. If you weren’t dying right now, I might kill you._

The anger quelled, hot tears replacing it. _No, I won’t lose you. I'll figure something out. I swear._

_______

“Ahsoka, can you hear me?”

Opening her eyes slowly, Ahsoka tried to focus on the face wavering in front of her. “B-Barriss? What…” Her tongue felt swollen, her mind fuzzy.

“Good. I gave you a very light stimulant. Not my first choice, but I need you minimally functional for a few minutes. Help me get you on the horse. Can you sit up long enough for me to get settled? Then, you can go back to sleep, ok?”

Ahsoka nodded vacantly, not really understanding what was going on. But, Barriss’ voice had an undertone of extreme anxiety, so she just did as instructed. Holding herself up on the horse with difficulty, she felt the woman slide in behind her and wrap a supportive arm around her stomach. “W-wh—” Slumping back into the bracing warmth of Barriss’ chest, Ahsoka had a renewed burst of energy and asked, “What’s happening?”

“You’ve been bitten by a toxic fish. I’m taking you to see a professional healer in Naboo. You better not die on me, before we get there. Understand?”

“Oh, that’s what that was…”

There was a frustrated choke. “Yes. That’s what that was. Gods, Ahsoka, if you ever do this again I’ll kill you myself.”

“Not my fault.” Ahsoka grinned weakly up at her. “Blame fish.” She saw a brief smile flash across Barriss’ face, before the expression turned impassive. Lifting a hand, Ahsoka ran her fingers across the delicate chin. “Don’t worry. I won’t leave you. Promise.” _I love you._

Barriss gazed down at her for a moment, tears pooling in her eyes. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” Then, she looked away, urging the horse into a gallop.

Ahsoka stared up in distress as the wind whipped around them. The woman’s face was intensely determined, totally focused on the path in front of them. _I mean it. Fifty toxic fish couldn’t keep me from you._ The lines in Barriss’ face were contorting painfully as they rode faster and faster. Ahsoka wasn’t sure if it was the wind, her own mind imagining things, or something else.

She slid a hand to the arm wrapped around her, gripping it tightly. _Please, Barriss. You have to believe me. It’s going to be alright… Isn’t it?_ Her fingers started trembling as strength drained from her body. Ahsoka felt her hold loosening and her head rolling back. Then, she fell into darkness.

_______

“Ahsoka, wake up. Please!”

The desperate call slowly surfaced in her thoughts. She went to open her eyes, but couldn’t seem to remember how. _Where am I? Is that Barriss?_

“Oh Gods. Don’t you dare leave me.” Fists started hitting her shoulders. “Ahsoka! I need you to stay. You hear me?!”

Ahsoka tried to speak, to say everything was alright, but nothing happened. Her mind started spinning further and further away into a gaping maw of oblivion. She could see it reaching out. It wanted her. _Oh, Barriss. I’m so sorry._

A choked, terrible cry burst into the darkness. “No. I won’t give up on you. I know you’re still there.” The fists beat harder against her body. “You fight! Do something to fight! Stop me. Hit me. Kiss me. Anything!” There was a soul-piercing wail. “Ahsoka, please, you _promised_ me!”

Ahsoka’s mind snapped into focus as a strange vitality blazed through her. Clawing away from oblivion frantically, she flipped her eyes open. “K-kiss?”

Piercing blue eyes quaked with shocked tremors, until frenzied tears spilled out of them. Barriss collapsed on top of her and a wet, trembling face tucked into Ahsoka’s neck. Throbbing words escaped gasping sobs, “... thought… I lost… you.” Soft lips pressed warmly against her skin.

A feeling of solid stability spread through her body. Ahsoka tried to respond confidently, but ended up with a stuttering drawl of, “N-n-never… gonna h-hap-pen.”

A tearful face lifted and gazed into her eyes with unrestrained joy. “Better not.”

Lifting a shaking hand to Barriss’ cheek, she tried to wipe away the tears with limited success. _Focus. She needs you._ Ahsoka channeled her energy into a solid response. “Told you. Not leaving. Promise.” She almost added ‘love you’, but saying it now seemed to imply defeat. Ahsoka was not about to admit that possibility. Instead, she said, “Need you. Have faith.”

Barriss’ expression fluctuated for a moment and then her head dipped to rest on Ahsoka's cheek. She murmured softly, “I promise.”

Ahsoka formed a small, happy grin. “G-good.”

_______

Leaping from the horse and sliding Ahsoka into her arms, Barriss raced into the healer’s facility.

A few minutes later she was in an examination room with a serious-looking Toydarian. “The healer will be with you soon. Can I get you any refreshment, while you wait? Or, perhaps… some cleaning supplies?” He eyed her grimy, dusty appearance meaningfully.

Barriss gazed at him impassively and simply passed over several dataries for the examination fee.

Wings shrugged and he buzzed quickly from the room.

She glanced down at herself and grimaced. It probably would be best to _not_ look like something the rancor had dragged back to his den. Barriss rummaged through her rucksack and pulled out a fresh cloak. Shrugging it on quickly, she pulled out a cloth and wiped down her face.

Running a critical eye over Ahsoka, she gently turned her on the examination table, removing the travel cloak. Then, Barriss cleaned the road dust off her face and lekku. Satisfied they now resembled patients capable of paying, she repacked everything and returned to Ahsoka’s side, gripping her hand. “Hey, we’re here. Are you still with me?”

Eyelids fluttered with a brief murmur.

Massaging the fingers in her hand, Barriss whispered, “Good. Don’t worry… Everything is going to be alright.” _Strange._ The statement had filled her with unexpected surety. She repeated it more firmly, “Everything is going to be alright. I promise.”

This time, there was a return grip on her hand and the edges of Ahsoka’s mouth twitched into a barely perceptible smile.

_______

The man finished his examination, electric purple eyes roving over Ahsoka carefully. Barriss had been surprised at his youth. She had expected a healer of his reputation to be more experienced, not under forty. Still, he had an authoritative demeanor and clearly was well-practiced in his skills. “I see you have already cleaned and sanitized the wound.” He glanced up at her with interest. His expression was friendly, but professional.

“Yes,” Barriss responded, “I was trying to ascertain the cause. It wasn’t until I cleaned it that I saw the bite marks.”

The healer gazed at her for a moment. “You do realize scarno are incredibly toxic to Togruta?”

Acknowledging the implied meaning, Barriss replied evenly, “I do, but I also realize I don’t know everything. You’re one of the best healers in the 47 kingdoms. I thought you might know of some treatment I wasn’t aware of.”

“Hmm… perhaps, though I’m not sure I’d recommend it. The treatment is experimental and has limited success with people in the early stages. Clearly, this is not one of those cases. When was she infected?” His expression was sincere, but matter-of-fact, as if he was discussing the weather and not the death of the only person Barriss cared about in this world.

“Approximately two weeks ago, I believe. It is the only time period we were in proximity to potential habitats for scarno. I was not aware of the incident, until she passed out from the toxin’s effects two days ago.”

His eyes widened and he looked quickly back at Ahsoka. “That is… impressive stamina. Most Togruta succumb within a week.”

Barriss couldn’t help a small smile. “She is nothing if not impressive. However, we were speaking of a treatment?”

“Ah, yes,” he refocused on her and said, “it is not a common ailment. The treatment has had very little chance for a full assessment. I have only used it on Togruta, who had no other option. I can certainly do the same for your friend. However, you should know it is quite expensive and may not be effective. I’ve also never attempted it on anyone this far along. There is still a small chance of recovery without treatment.”

“As I recall, the odds of recovery are around 3%,” she replied dryly.

He looked at her in surprise. “2.6%, actually, but close enough. My point is, the treatment is all or nothing. It either works or it kills the patient. And, given the untested nature on someone this weakened by the toxin, your friend may be better served without it.”

She gazed at Ahsoka for a moment. _Have faith, Barriss._ She met his eyes with confidence. “It will work.”

The healer pursed his lips. “I expect blind hope from loved ones. However, you clearly have a healing background and seem quite knowledgeable. You do realize the odds are not good?”

“The odds are meaningless in face of the individual,” Barriss said calmly, surprising herself. “My decision is not based on unrealistic expectations. She will survive. I know her.” _I believe what I just said. Huh._

He smiled slightly. “Your faith is impressive, as well. If you are certain, we will proceed.”

A sudden thought flashed. She had neglected to mention something important. “Does the treatment have any negative effects on humans?”

“In theory, no. However, I’ve never had occasion to use it on a human patient. Why do you ask?”

“My friend had a human mother, so she is half-human.”

His mouth dropped open. “She is a product of a Togruta male and a human female?”

Barriss nodded. “Indeed.”

He moved swiftly back to Ahsoka and began examining her carefully with growing excitement. “Yes, yes, the skin pallor, the angled chin… I wonder if she has true Togruta canines?”

Barriss interrupted, “Uh, I’m sure she would make a lovely case study for you… _if_ she wasn’t dying.”

The man seemed to come back to himself and straightened with a wince. “You’re right. My apologies. Such a pairing is possible in theory, but I’ve never seen a healthy child from such. I’m afraid my professional curiosity overwhelmed me.” He smiled diffidently. Then, his expression brightened. “Actually, this may bode well for your friend’s recovery. Human immune systems are quite robust. The main drawback to the treatment is that it inhibits that system in expelling the toxin. This can result in an already weakened Togruta not recovering, even though it is successful.”

Hope shined a bit brighter in her soul. “Thank you for that. How much is the treatment? I may have to obtain additional funds beyond what I am carrying.” By additional funds, Barriss meant selling everything of value they owned. _Even my bow, anything._

The man seemed contemplative for a moment. “What if I offer a trade? I will provide the treatment free of charge, if you allow me to examine your friend in detail. I’d like to make diagrams and notes of her various features for research. It would also involve taking some blood samples and scrapings from her lekku.”

Barriss stared at him. “That’s it?” She didn’t add that he could have done much of that anyway while treating Ahsoka, likely without Barriss’ knowledge. Apparently, his professional ethics didn’t entertain such a possibility. _Fascinating._

He hesitated briefly and then added, “If she recovers, I’d like to interview her. Would that be possible?”

Smiling wanly, she replied, “I’m sure it will be possible. How cooperative she’ll be depends on how good a job you do, I imagine.”

A brief grin flashed and then he said very seriously, “In that case, I’ll have to do the best job I can, won’t I?”

_______

Continuing to chat about nothing in particular, Barriss traced her fingers absently over Ahsoka’s white face markings. “So, the healer says this first round should run through tomorrow. Then, there are two more follow-ups, which are more intensive. He said a patient can recover with only two treatments, but it’s rare. I told him you’d definitely be one of those.”

The healer had administered the first treatment dose nearly six hours ago. Before leaving, he had given her instructions on how to access his quarters above the facility, should anything urgent occur. There were assistant healers on duty overnight, but he apparently didn’t trust them with his prized patient. _Or, maybe he just cares, Barriss. You’re so cynical._

She ran anxious eyes over Ahsoka. The earlier violent shuddering had stopped, but the woman’s muscles were clenched tightly, occasionally jerking with apparent pain. They were supposed to involuntarily contract throughout the process, so it was expected. Still, Barriss couldn’t stand the distress on Ahsoka’s unconscious face. _I really hope you can’t feel anything._

Barriss grimaced as something twinged up her spine. _Ok, been leaning over too long again._ She stood up, feeling stiffness crunch her back into a knot. Stretching arms above her head, she spotted the extremely uncomfortable chair in the corner.

Pulling it over, Barriss set it backwards against the treatment bed. Resting her knees on the seat and propping arms on the top, she found herself perfectly flush with her friend. _Excellent. I should have thought of this sooner._

She commented, “Now, that’s better. Who would have thought this thing they call a chair could be useful? Seriously, you should try resting in this thing. I made it for all of ten minutes! You would think a place that was designed for healing would include a comfortable spot for worried loved ones to rest. They clearly don’t ask the patients for advice. Oh, and don’t get me started on the food selection around here.”

A wave of trembling passed through the compressed body on the bed. Gazing down in helpless misery, she had a sudden urge to kiss the pain away. Compromising, Barriss brushed lips lightly across Ahsoka’s forehead and whispered, “Don’t worry. Everything will be alright.” Pausing for a moment, she added in a shaky voice, “I love you.”

There was a brief release in her soul as she said the words. Ahsoka couldn’t hear them, but somehow just the act of saying it filled her with intense joy.

She touched her forehead to Ahsoka’s and sighed happily. “Gods, how I love you. I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud. When you get better, I should really tell you. Except, I’m so afraid. I know you don’t feel that way. Of course, you probably would take it in stride. But, I don’t think I could. The idea of you knowing… scares me. Even if you could love me, it still does. I don’t know why. Maybe, one day, I’ll figure it out. And, when I do, you better watch out.” Barriss laughed to herself, feeling slightly hysterical.

“Uh oh,” she said to the unconscious woman, “I think I’m losing it. Now, that’s not good, is it? This is about the time you tell me to get some rest or you’ll do something drastic. What would I do without you?”

The laughter faded as misery flashed into her heart. “No. I refuse to even contemplate it. So, you better recover fast? Got it?” Barriss felt the laughter rising again as she continued, “What, no arguments? Well, it’s about time you listened to me!” The panicked laughing ramped higher and she knew her mind was slipping over the edge.

Slamming her eyes shut, Barriss tried to regain control, leaving her forehead pressed to Ahsoka’s. Her mind wandered instinctively toward a centering point and the chaos receded, senses aligning in rare harmony. She lifted her head, feeling a strangely intense focus, and placed both hands on the still painfully contracting face. “Don’t forget. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll never leave you. I promise.” Her fingers began to tingle oddly and her grip involuntarily tightened.

Ahsoka’s facial muscles abruptly relaxed and her breathing seemed to regulate.

Barriss stared in astonishment. The woman's entire body appeared to be unclenching and settling into a calm sleep. _Wow._ Releasing her grip and placing another kiss on Ahsoka’s forehead, she commented with a impish smile, “Now, see how easy that was? You should listen to me more often.”

She could almost imagine Ahsoka rolling her eyes in exasperation and it made her laugh. But, this time, the laugh was one of joy, not desperation.

Resuming her stroking of Ahsoka’s face, Barriss grinned. “So, what else should we talk about?”

_______

Ahsoka shifted her head in confusion and tried to focus her eyes without much success. Then, she realized Barriss was next to her, sleeping in an awkward curl over a chair, hand resting limply on Ahsoka’s cheek. _Mmm… that’s nice._

She locked her gaze on the mesmerizing face. _Come on. You can do it. If you can focus on anything, it’s her._ Ahsoka’s vision congealed slightly, but was still fuzzy. _Better than nothing. At least, you aren’t seeing two of her anymore. You can barely handle loving one without going over the edge._ She laughed to herself, but the noise that came out resembled a drunk gamorrean.

Barriss jumped at the sound and straightened up with alacrity, grabbing her hand. “Ahsoka? Don’t try to move.”

“Am I dead?” Ahsoka rasped with what she hoped was an endearing grin, but it was hard to tell. Everything felt slightly warped.

There was a snort. “I hope not. That would make me dead, as well. Unless, an imaginary me is part of your perfect afterlife.”

She eyed Barriss for a moment, concentrating on the delicate skin, the beautiful diamonds, and the piercing blue eyes. Her vision sharpened a bit more and she smiled happily. “Of course, it is. So, that's not very convincing.”

The woman suddenly pressed her lips to Ahsoka’s forehead, before saying mischievously, “Hmm, I’ll have to think of better ways to convince you.”

 _Um, please keep doing that._ Ahsoka twined fingers into the ones holding hers and remarked, “Well, that’s a good start.”

Barriss gazed at her and then seemed to shake herself, quirking an amused eyebrow. “You are impossible.”

“Yep.” Lifting their interlocked fingers, Ahsoka brushed them over her lips lightly. _I love you so much. One day, I hope you’re ready for me to tell you that._ “Thank you for taking care of me.”

There was a soft smile. “You’re worth it.” Then, the expression turned stern. “But, I swear, if you ever get bitten by an unknown fish again and don’t tell me about it—”

“I know,” Ahsoka put in quickly, “I didn’t think it was a big deal. I’m sorry.” _It was also in a bit of a sensitive spot, you know. I already have trouble controlling myself when you touch the rest of me!_ Tightening her grip on Barriss’ hand, she added, “It won’t happen again. I promise.”

The woman released a deep breath and then a small grin formed at the edges of her mouth. “Better not.”

Ahsoka returned the grin. “So, am I all better now?”

“Not yet. You’ve had the first round of treatment. You need to recover some, before the second one. Plus, it weakens your system. You still won't feel great for a bit.”

“That explains why my whole body feels like dead weight. Also, there is a weird burning in my chest.”

Looking concerned, Barriss released her grip and pulled back the blanket, moving probing fingers over Ahsoka’s chest and arms.

Ahsoka was appreciative the woman had carefully avoided exposing her breasts. Just the idea of the currently roaming fingers being near them was intensifying every sensation in her body, including the painful burning. _Thank the Force I was unconscious while she was treating me. I probably would have died right there._

A terrifying thought occurred to her. _Does she like them? What if she doesn’t? Ahsoka, seriously?! You might die tomorrow and you’re worrying about whether the woman trying to save your life thinks your breasts are attractive. Still… does she?_

“Does this hurt?” Barriss pressed on the top left of her chest. 

Ahsoka gasped in pain. _Yes!_ “Please, stop trying to convince me now. I believe you.”

Her friend cringed. “I’m sorry.” She moved a hand to Ahsoka’s cheek, stroking it gently. “I’m going to get the healer, ok?”

 _No, don’t leave me._ The urge to keep Barriss near her was overwhelming. _What is wrong with you?_ “But, you’ll… come back soon, right?” The question came out unusually tentative.

The woman stared for a moment, but then leaned over and kissed her forehead again. Intense blue eyes met Ahsoka’s. “I’ll always come back. I promise.”

Her mind immediately calmed and Ahsoka smiled happily up at Barriss. “Good.”

_______

“Interesting,” the healer commented absently as he moved over Ahsoka’s chest.

Barriss averted her eyes and waited somewhat impatiently.

Ahsoka said impishly, “Did you hear that? I’m interesting.”

Shifting her gaze to Ahsoka’s face, Barriss lifted an eyebrow. “Well, I’ve been telling you that for years.”

The woman grinned. “Um, I don’t think telling me I’m impossible counts as interesting.”

There was a snort from the man still examining her.

Ahsoka looked at him with some surprise. “I’m not sure I’ve heard a healer snort before. This is a day to remember.”

Snorting again, he straightened up. “It will be a more memorable one still, if I’m correct.” He turned toward Barriss. “It appears your impressive friend here has expelled all of the toxin already. The burning is the final stage of the process. I didn’t believe it at first, but I’ve just examined the wound and it has completely retracted, a telltale sign. In fact, the veins have already started fading. Come and look.”

Relief flooded Barriss as she drifted forward and saw it for herself. “Wow.” Though, she wasn’t sure if the utterance was in reference to the amazing recovery or the equally amazing anatomy she was admiring. _Probably, both._ Realizing she was still staring, Barriss quickly shifted her eyes to Ahsoka's face.

The woman was gazing at her nervously. There was another emotion in the shining blue eyes that she couldn’t identify, but Barriss liked whatever it was.

Moving closer, she ran caressing fingers over Ahsoka’s cheek. “You are a miracle of nature.”

Ahsoka relaxed and grinned somewhat vacantly up at her. “Does this mean I’m going to live?”

The healer chuckled. “It appears so.” His eyes gleamed with excitement. “You are going to my greatest case study ever!”

Barriss almost laughed and then saw Ahsoka’s confused face. “Oh, um yeah, remind me to tell you how we paid for your treatment.”

Her friend looked immediately wary. “Oh Gods. You told him I was half-human, didn’t you? I’ve spent my entire life trying to keep healers from poking and prodding me. I learned how to run very fast as a child for that express reason!”

The man grinned like an excited schoolboy. “That’s even better. I’ll be the first!”

Ahsoka grimaced and glanced at her.

Barriss shrugged. “It’s not cheap to save your life. Plus, I like this one.”

“I feel like I’ve been given a rare compliment,” the healer remarked with wry amusement, “but I have no context.”

Raising impressed eyebrows, Ahsoka responded, “Oh, it is. This is indeed a memorable day. I suppose I can handle a bit of examination for a good cause.”

His purple eyes lit up with delight. “Excellent. It won’t be too bad. I’ve already gathered most of what I need—just a couple of healthy samples left. The other part was interviewing you to obtain additional data. We can do that tomorrow, though. I want you to get more rest to strengthen your immune system and ensure there are no complications.”

Ahsoka grinned engagingly. “Alright, you’ve got a deal. Since, you did save my life and all.”

“Oh no,” he replied seriously, “the person who saved your life is over there.” He pointed to Barriss. “I was simply one of her many tools. Her faith in you was unwavering. It obviously wasn’t misplaced, either. If I were you, I’d hold on to that one.” The man chuckled and then walked out the door.

The woman turned the endearing grin on Barriss. “Oh, that’s definitely gonna happen.”

Barriss flashed a shy, happy smile. “Good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started out by me thinking... why don't Ahsoka and Barriss ever get sick living in the woods and wandering around a planet of dangerous things? It's like when you're watching some medieval show and you think, 'I bet everyone smells really bad. I wonder if they are all just used to it and don't notice?' Basically, I wanted to do a bit of practical world-building/exploration. This fantasy world may have chosen to stay in the dark ages in terms of weaponry, monarchies, and class systems. However, they are fairly progressive in terms of gender roles, healing innovation, and multiculturalism. I love the contradiction of it. 
> 
> Oh, and the idea of whether Barriss and Ahsoka see each other naked given they live together with no privacy also flew into my weird mind. I don't know why my thoughts tend toward practical implications in fantasy stories, but it happens ALOT.
> 
> Question, dear readers, if anyone cares to comment... When you read this did you assume Ahsoka miraculously recovered based on:  
> A) Her love for Barriss  
> B) Barriss' faith in her giving her superhuman strength to overcome anything  
> C) Barriss unknowingly using Jedi-like force healing  
> D) Ahsoka's special half-human/half-Togruta make-up (giving her unusually strong recuperative abilities)  
> E) The treatment just working fast, these things happen  
> F) Ahsoka's determination to not break her promise to 'never leave'  
> G) Some combination of above factors  
> H) Something else entirely
> 
> Just curious at potential readings. I left it open for interpretation (I hope). I have my own answer, but I'll save it so I don't influence you. :-)


	14. Friends with Benefits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One week after declaring their love for each other, Ahsoka and Barriss realize things have changed.
> 
> *Spoiler Warning for WIAB*
> 
> This is a brand new story and is set between Chapters 25-26 of "Where I've Always Been". It begins one week post-declaration and runs up to the start of the following chapter.

“How long have you loved me?” Ahsoka was slouched against a log by the fire, arms propped over bent knees, apparently nonchalant in her delivery of the question.

It had only been a week since Barriss had found Rex, Ahsoka had learned the horrible truth about Shili, Barriss had confessed her feelings, and Ahsoka had returned them. One short week ago everything had changed. And, Barriss Offee had no idea what to do anymore.

Continuing her preparations to cook dinner upon Rex’s return, she tried a casual reply, “Uh, I don’t know exactly. Why do you ask?”

There was a hesitant smile. “Just curious.”

Now that the initial exhilaration of shared feelings had settled, there was a tentative awkwardness. The easy way they had interacted before had vanished. It was if every touch, look, or word meant something more.  _ Please, don’t let me mess this up. _

Attempting to maintain the relaxed tone, Barriss said, “It’s a bit hard to pinpoint. I can tell you when I realized how I felt. But, that’s not quite the same thing.”

“When was that?” The voice was still light, but there was definitely something else underneath it.

The uncertainty intensified.  _ I don’t understand what you need me to say. _ “What are you really trying to ask me?”

Ahsoka slumped her shoulders. “I want to—I don’t know.” Her gaze drifted absently toward the fire.

_ Perhaps, she’s afraid I’ll change my mind? Oh Gods, what if she’s changed hers? _ Trying to push the panic away, she calculated possibilities, but the focus just wasn’t there.  _ Stay calm. What would you usually do? Maybe, that will still work? _ Dropping the piece of wood she was holding, Barriss crouched in front of Ahsoka. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

Fierce blue eyes darted to her face and then to the ground, but there was no other response.

Reaching a hand to Ahsoka’s cheek, she traced the warrior markings. “Look at me. Please.”

The eyes floated up, fluctuating with hope and fear. Finally, there was a quiet question. “How much do you love me?”

_ I love you so much it hurts. So much I am sometimes overwhelmed by the feeling. You make me happier than I have any right to be. You are my world. _ For some reason, Barriss felt anxious saying any of that. Instead, she stated simply, “Very much.”  _ I hope you feel that way too. _ She dropped her gaze and added, “But, if you don’t—I mean if you’ve changed your mind or—”

Strong hands suddenly gripped her face as forceful lips pressed against hers. 

Startled, but definitely not unwilling, Barriss wrapped arms around Ahsoka’s neck and deepened the kiss.  _ I can’t believe this is real.  _

After a few more moments of bliss, the incredible mouth released and brushed along Barriss’ face. A grinning voice said, “I bet I love you more.”

Ethereal happiness spread through her at the words and Barriss murmured, “Not a chance.” 

_______

Ahsoka watched Barriss laugh as Rex told her a story. The longer it went the more depressed she became.  _ What is wrong with you? You love her laugh.  _ Ahsoka suddenly realized she couldn’t remember Barriss laughing at all in the last couple of weeks.  _ Well, not with me anyway—not since things changed.  _

The thought made her misery deepen. Less laughter couldn’t be the cause of the unexplainable sadness, though. It had to be deeper.  _ Maybe, it’s part of something else? _

Leaning back against a rock and closing her eyes, Ahsoka tried to work through the inexplicable emotion.  _ Are you jealous? You want to be the only one to make her laugh? _ She shook her head. That didn’t feel right.  _ Do you want her all to yourself? _ No, that didn’t seem accurate, either.  _ Well, I know you’re not losing interest. If anything, you love her more than ever. So, what is going on? _

After a couple of minutes with no success, she re-opened her eyes and rested a dejected chin on interlocked fingers, gazing blankly at the fire. That only seemed to make things worse. Ahsoka depended on Barriss to help figure these things out. On her own, it seemed impossible. Looking back up, she saw that same woman stealing anxious glances at her. 

_ What does that mean? Does she want me to do something? I have no idea. She needs something from me, obviously. Something I’m not doing.  _

Sudden fear gripped her.  _ What if I can’t be who she needs? If Barriss can’t depend on me, how can she love me? I could lose her. _ The thought sent visceral pain into her heart.  _ I’ll figure out what she needs. I'll show her she can depend on me. I'll make this work. I’ve got to. _

Slender fingers wrapped around Ahsoka’s arm and she jerked back into reality. 

Piercing blue eyes were gazing at her in concern. “Are you alright?”

Pasting a smile, she nodded. “Sure, no problems. Don’t let me interrupt the story.”

Rex raised eyebrows. “Um, you mean the one I already finished?”

Ahsoka winced. “Oh. Sorry, guess I was lost in my thoughts or something. Is it time for bed, now?”

Barriss and Rex glanced at each other. The man jumped up and said, “Yep. Go ahead and get ready, while I check the perimeter for the night. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” He strapped on his short swords and was gone, before Ahsoka could think of a response.

There was silence for a moment and then Barriss asked tentatively, “What’s wrong?”

Ahsoka attempted a casual survey of the surrounding woods as she replied, “Nothing. I suppose I’m tired or something.”

The fingers on her arm began trembling, catching Ahsoka’s immediate attention. Her eyes swung back to Barriss in concern. 

Tears were forming, but the woman quickly removed her hand and started to get up. “I’ll get out the bed rolls.”

Ahsoka grabbed Barriss’ arm, pulling her back down. “No. What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing,” was the flat reply. Then, she added with a hint of bitterness, “I suppose I’m tired or something.”

Stiffening, Ahsoka released her grip and looked away.  _ I guess I deserved that. _

A hand touched her face, turning it back toward a regretful one. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

Guilt clenched Ahsoka’s heart and she cupped Barriss’ cheeks, rubbing the diamonds gently. The action calmed the tumultuous thoughts and the uncertain misery faded. “No, I’m sorry. I was feeling a bit sad earlier, but I don’t know why. It’s gone now, though. So, don’t worry, ok?”

A nervous gaze assessed her for a moment. “If it happens again, will you tell me? I need to know if I am—well, if it’s something I’m doing.”

_ Good work, Ahsoka. _ Tightening her grip, she said firmly, “Nothing you’re doing is causing it.”

Barriss didn’t seem convinced. “Still, tell me next time. Maybe, we can work it out together. You know, like we used to do?”

Ahsoka sucked in a pained breath.  _ Like we used to do. I need to figure out what I’m doing wrong and fast. _ Pulling Barriss into her arms, she whispered, “Ok. That sounds good.” The woman relaxed in the embrace, but Ahsoka could feel remaining tension. “Everything will be alright.”

Circumspect eyes looked up as a hand lifted, tracing the warrior markings along her face. “I hope so.”

_______

“This is ridiculous, Ahsoka. I haven’t become suddenly unable to defend myself. What is wrong with you?”

Ahsoka glared at her, frustration rising. “There’s nothing wrong with me. You seem to be going out of your way to ensure I’m not able to protect you!”

“I didn’t need you to protect me in the first place! I had those soldiers under control.” Barriss’ expression was quickly turning from annoyance to full on anger. “There was no need for you to come leaping out of the air, knock me over, and take them out yourself!”

_ Why is she making such a big deal out of this? _ Ahsoka inhaled deeply, trying to stay calm. “Barriss, I always watch your back. It’s what we do. I don’t understand what your problem is.” 

“My problem is that you seemed to have turned into an overprotective child!”

Ahsoka couldn’t hold back this time. “Oh, I’m the child?! I’m not the one acting like I don’t need you anymore! I’m not the one getting angry, because the woman she  _ supposedly _ loves saved her life!”

There was a flash of pain, before Barriss’ face turned impassive. Spinning on her heels, she began stalking back to camp without another word.

_______

Ahsoka followed Barriss in silence, unsure how to fix whatever had just happened.  _ Why can’t she let me protect her? It’s not like I haven’t always done it. Ok, so maybe this time was a little over the top. But, if she didn’t deliberately distance herself, it wouldn’t have been necessary!  _

Letting out a frustrated growl, Ahsoka stopped walking, desperately trying to figure out what she was doing wrong.  _ Why doesn’t Barriss want to depend on me, anymore? What does she need me to do?  _ Once again, the thoughts led nowhere but confusion.

When she finally looked back up, Barriss was nowhere in sight. Her heart compressed with terrible pain. Before a few weeks ago, the woman would have never left her after a fight. In fact, the fight wouldn’t have even gone this far. Because, Barriss would have stopped it.  _ She always stops it. _

Ahsoka suddenly felt the full weight of her impulsive nature. Without Barriss to temper it, she apparently had no ability to stop herself.  _ Well, I can learn how. I will. I have to make this work. I can't lose her. _

Determination filling her, Ahsoka marched toward camp, intending to show Barriss she could be the first to apologize.

_______

Feeling unable to cope with facing Rex or a hot on her heels Ahsoka, Barriss wandered down a side trail near the camp. She reached a calm stream and slumped onto a large rock, pulling knees to her chest. 

_ What have you done?  _ She should have apologized, tried to end the argument. But, something had stopped her.  _ I just don’t know how to talk to her anymore. Nothing is like it used to be. _

The worst part was Barriss didn’t even know why she was so angry. What Ahsoka said was true. They always protected each other. Something about the way she was going about it these days was driving Barriss crazy, though. Instead of talking about the issue reasonably, Barriss had simply kept trying to prevent her from doing it—which had driven Ahsoka crazy, apparently.  _ That’s the way to resolve a problem.  _

Their friendship didn’t work anymore. When they were in each other’s arms everything was wonderful. Outside of that, they were one fight away from never speaking again.  _ It’s my fault. I can’t do this properly. I make too many mistakes. I should have kept pretending I didn’t feel the way I felt. _ The idea almost made her cry. 

_ I’m ruining Ahsoka’s happiness. I know I am. But, I can’t let her go. _ This time, the tears seared hotly down her cheeks. Barriss curled up on the rock and let them come.

_______

“Wait. Don’t go after her, until we talk,” Rex said firmly.

Ahsoka halted mid-step and asked impatiently, “Why?”

“Because, if you go buzzing out of here with your current attitude you’re going to make things worse,” he replied in a matter of fact tone.

She stared in disbelief. “You want to explain that one?”

Rex grinned. “Sure, if you sit down for a minute.” His expression turned stern. “Ahsoka, please, you need to calm down. Right now, you’re one wrong sentence away from disaster.”

Gazing at him for a moment, she slouched back over and slumped onto the ground. “Alright. Tell me what I’m doing wrong.”

“You’re not doing anything wrong. Neither is Barriss. You’re just both overcomplicating things. The surety is gone or something. It took me a while to understand, as I didn’t have a normal for comparison. But, I think I’ve got it now.”

“Ok… uh, what?”

His face scrunched in contemplation as if struggling to find proper words. “So, think of it this way. You used to be friends that also happened to be in love. But, you’re seeing this as something totally new. Like knowing you love each other suddenly makes things different.”

“Um, doesn’t it?” Ahsoka asked confusedly.

“Not really. Sure, you get to be a bit more obvious in the affection department. But, did you really hold back from adoring her, before you knew how she felt? Did you ever intend to leave her, either way?”

“No,” Ahsoka replied slowly, “I guess not.”

“Exactly. How do you think I knew you were in love as soon as I showed up? You were already operating as a couple. You were both just amazingly and unbelievably clueless about it.” He flashed a teasing grin.

She couldn’t help a chuckle. “If that’s true, then what’s the problem?”

“I just told you. You’re treating this as if you need to do things differently, instead of doing what’s already been working. At least, you are. The changes in your behavior are easy for me to see. I don’t know Barriss as well. How did she act early in your friendship?”

Ahsoka considered. “Loyal, intense, selfless… but, also sensitive, highstrung, and unsure. She was afraid of making mistakes and would sometimes close herself off. I think I may have been the first friend she ever had.” She paused, casting her mind back to those early months. “We had a lot of arguments, actually.”

“As I thought. Now, Barriss is likely worried about failing someone she loves even more. Something she had moved past already in the course of your friendship. It’s like starting all over again.” 

“I think I understand what you’re saying. But, isn’t that all the more reason I have to show her I'll do anything she needs to make it work? I can’t lose her, Rex.”

He replied gently, “You are assuming she needs something different than before. She’s stuck around a long time for a reason.”

A wan smile formed. “Alright, point taken.”

“Yep. If you ask me, you’re both crazy.” The man snorted. “The only difference in your relationship should be that you can kiss whenever you like.”

She rolled her eyes. “Rex, you have a unique perspective.”

There was a brief grin and then his expression intensified. “I think you have to be especially careful, though. Even something simple, like being a bit more protective, just reinforces Barriss’ idea of this being something totally different than being your friend. She learned how to make that work. I doubt she has prior relationships for comparison.” His eyes drilled into hers. “The more differently you behave, the more it tells her things aren’t like they were.”

Ahsoka dropped a head into her hands. “So, it is my fault.”

“No,” Rex said quickly, “that’s not what I meant. Barriss is the one who believes she needs to be different and I think it's thrown you off. You’ve changed your behavior to compensate or something. But, it doesn’t have to stay that way. What I’m trying to say is that you have more influence over how she adapts than you realize.”

She tried to process the multitude of ideas Rex was throwing out, but couldn’t seem to find a way to bring them together. “Ok, let’s say that's true. How do I fix it?”

“Oh, I don’t know that part. You know Barriss way better than I do. How would you have fixed it, before?”

“That’s the problem. Barriss always fixed it,” she replied dejectedly.

“I doubt that. She might have been more likely to take the initiative on resolving everyday issues. But, that was probably based out of confidence in your relationship. Barriss didn’t gain that by you doing nothing. How did you make that happen?”

Ahsoka straightened in shock.  _ I’ve been so focused on making this work, I’ve forgotten to be me. _ “Rex, you are the best.” She jumped up and sprinted out of the camp.

_______

Barriss leapt off the rock at seeing the encroaching darkness.  _ Oh no.  _ She had apparently fallen asleep. Ahsoka and Rex were probably worried to death. 

Suddenly, there was an anxious call, “Barriss! Please, where are you?” 

Automatically turning toward the voice, she yelled, “I’m over here!”  _ Should I have told her that? What am I going to say? _

There was crashing in the underbrush and Ahsoka came flying out of some trees, immediately grabbing her up in a tight embrace. “Gods, I was so worried.”

Returning the hug tentatively, Barriss said, “Sorry, I fell asleep.”

Ahsoka leaned back, not releasing the hold, and met her eyes. “It’s ok. And, I’m sorry about earlier. You were right. I have been a bit overprotective lately.” She pressed lips to Barriss’ forehead. “Which is silly, because I have never wanted to lose you. Nothing has changed.”

Barriss looked at her in surprise. “It’s not your fault. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry. I guess I am not very good at this. You deserve someone—”

Ahsoka put a hand on her mouth. “Don’t even think about saying anything approaching you not deserving me. It’s not true, first off. It’s never been true. It never will be true. Really though, it doesn’t matter. You’re my best friend—the most important person in my life.” She locked their eyes. “You make me so very happy. Deserving has nothing to do with any of it.  _ You _ are the person I love.”

Gazing at her in disbelief, Barriss didn’t respond.  _ She can’t mean all of that. I'm really terrible at being that person.  _

“Why do I always get that look when I tell you how important you are to me? I’m beginning to think you don’t believe a word I say,” Ahsoka said mischievously.

She couldn’t help a small smile. “Maybe, I just think you’re delusional.”

An engaging grin flashed. “As long as you’re delusional with me, I really don’t care.” Her expression turned serious. “Barriss, I think I’ve messed this up a bit. I already loved you. So, telling you that out loud doesn’t change who we were. We’re still friends. I just also get to do things like this.” Ahsoka lightly touched lips to hers. “Does that make sense?”

_ I don’t need to be different? _ “Wait… you want me to be the same as I was before?”

Blue eyes blazed fiercely. “Yes, exactly. I'm so sorry I made you think otherwise. You were already the woman I loved. There’s no need to worry about what you should do or how you should be. You can’t make a mistake if you’re being the person I love, the woman I’ve always adored—my friend. I just want you.”

_ Wow. _ Hope crashed in wonderful relief through her heart. Everything had changed and… nothing had changed. Unexpected confidence began to swell.  _ Maybe, I can do this after all?  _

Fixing a joyful gaze on the woman she loved, Barriss pulled Ahsoka’s face down and kissed her deeply.  _ Oh, I can so do this. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to explore the immediate aftermath of WIAB Chapter 25. Chapter 26 starts one month later and we see a happy, progressing couple. However, given their relative emotional instability at this point, there had to be some kind of adjustment period.
> 
> If you're interested, my general idea was a perfect storm of insecurities. Barriss has led a solitary life, void of true human connection. It isn't surprising that she would assume a romantic relationship needed to be completely different than a friendship. She also still struggles with failure and fear, creating even more uncertainty. Ahsoka has been playing defense for so long in their romantic progression that she simply reacts without really understanding why. She's so focused on not losing Barriss that she isn't as forceful about conveying the unconditional love and support that gives Barriss stability and confidence. Ahsoka also tries to be strong for the people she loves and tends not to share. Since Barriss isn't confident enough to draw her out, as in the past, they end up floating along as things get progressively worse. It's a downward spiral of compounding issues. My favorite kind. ;-)
> 
> Fortunately, Rex saves the day once again. Because, well, he is the best.


	15. Q&A

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally settled into their changed relationship, Barriss and Ahsoka clear up past confusion.
> 
> This is a new scene set a few minutes after the prior chapter “Friends with Benefits”.
> 
> *Spoiler Warning for WIAB*

Sitting happily on her rock, moonlight reflecting off the nearby stream, Barriss leaned further back in Ahsoka’s arms. “I want to answer your question again.” 

“What question?” Ahsoka murmured as she ran soft lips over Barriss’ neck.

“A few weeks ago you asked me how much I love you.”

The mouth stopped moving and Ahsoka propped her chin on Barriss’ shoulder. “And?”

“I was too nervous to say everything, then. I was afraid or something. Plus, it’s really hard to describe how much I love you…” Briefly pausing to put the feelings into proper form, she finally gave up and rushed out, “It’s overwhelming. You make me happier than I've ever been. You’re the most important thing I've ever had, my first priority, what I love more than anything else. It’s like you’re a part of me and I can’t imagine my life without you. You are my world.”

“Wow.” Ahsoka’s voice was hoarse with repressed tears.

Barriss grinned and twisted her head to kiss the cheek beside it. “Now, who loves who more, huh?”

“Oh, I don’t think so!” Ahsoka tightened the embrace. “You haven’t heard my rebuttal, yet.”

“No need,” Barriss replied airily, “clearly, you are outmatched. I mean, I am the one who said it first and all.”

There was a choking sound of frustration. “That’s only because I had to force myself not to! And, believe me, it was the hardest thing I’ve done in my entire life.”

“Are you saying you knew you loved me for a long time?” Barriss asked in confusion.

“What do you mean?” Ahsoka exclaimed with slight horror. “I already told you I’ve loved you for ages.”

“Yes, but I thought that meant you recently realized you had loved me for a while. Or, you were just—”

“Stop right there,” Ahsoka interrupted, “you thought I was just being romantically over the top or something, didn’t you? It never even occurred to you that I’ve been completely and overwhelmingly in love with you for years.”

She shifted sideways to look at her. “Actually, it didn’t. You’re not exactly shy about expressing your feelings on something. Why didn’t you tell me?” The idea made Barriss incredibly pleased, but also a bit annoyed. _Seriously? I could have been lying in your arms for ages now?!_

There was a frustrated exhale. “Because, I wasn’t sure exactly how you felt and was afraid pushing our relationship that way might cause… damage. Whether you loved me or not, I wanted to wait until you were ready. So, I decided early on that I would never say it. You would have to tell me.”

Barriss stared in disbelief. “You’re serious.” _I can usually read her so well_. _How did I miss it? I guess I thought it wasn’t possible? Oh. I didn’t want to see it. I was afraid to even contemplate it. Huh. Maybe, she was right…_

“Of course, I’m serious.” Ahsoka’s voice was pulsating with pained intensity. “You think I could have stopped myself from kissing you nearly every moment of the day, if I wasn’t worried about hurting you?!”

Lifting a hand, Barriss stroked the distressed face. “I’m sorry. I was just surprised. Though, I shouldn’t be. You’ve always put me first and were probably right. You understand me better than I do.”

The face relaxed beneath her fingers and Ahsoka smiled softly. “I don’t know about that, but you better believe I would never risk your happiness.”

Leaning her forehead into Ahsoka’s, she murmured, “I really do love you _so_ much.”

There was a happy sigh. “It’s like waiting your entire life for something to happen and not being able to believe it when it does. Oh, while we’re on the subject, I have several questions I’d like cleared up.” She leaned back and grinned mischievously.

Barriss lifted an inquisitive eyebrow. “Such as?”

“When did you realize you loved me, first off? That will determine my other questions. If it’s only been a short time, I can leave out all unexplainable incidents before that. If it’s been longer, I can include things like why in the world you didn’t want me to touch you for a full two weeks?! I almost went over the edge!”

“Oh Gods.” Barriss grimaced. “Please, don’t bring up everytime I decided to do something stupid.” Then, a shy grin crept onto her face. “Though, that particular incident would never have happened if _you_ weren’t so unbelievably beautiful that I literally couldn’t control the urge to kiss you everytime you touched me.”

Ahsoka’s eyes widened and then filled with frustration. “Force it all. I’m now thinking of all the times I was so close to chucking the whole waiting thing that I missed.”

“I wish you had,” she replied dryly.

“Well, it’s not like I’m the only one!” Ahsoka cried. “Speaking of, what about after the gundark?”

Barriss gaped. “I thought I was delusional due to blood loss. If you could have been inside my head… I was passing out, but screaming at myself not to. I desperately wanted you to kiss me.”

There was a strangled growl and unintelligible cursing.

She laughed and then saw the fierce blue eyes shine with delight. “My turn. Why do you insist on looking at me like that when I laugh? You make it extremely difficult to resist kissing you at all times.” Her fingers roamed over Ahsoka's entire face with happy freedom. _I can't believe I get to do this anytime I want now._

“Because,” she answered softly, “you become even more mesmerizing than before. It doesn't seem possible for that to happen, but you somehow pull it off. Your laugh makes it literally impossible for me to hide how much I love you.”

“Huh.” Barriss flashed a happy grin. “I always loved that look, even though it made me crazy. Now, I can enjoy it without being worried about losing control.” She pressed lips to Ahsoka's to illustrate the point.

The other woman responded with intensity, arms tightening around her as she melded their lips more deeply.

Pulling back, before she lost the ability to speak, Barriss said sternly, “Not so fast, Lady Jedi. I have other questions.”

There was a groan. “I suppose I only have myself to blame. Alright, one more and then we’re even.” She flashed an awkward grin. “As long as you don't plan to tell me about any previous romantic dalliances, I guess I can handle it.”

Her mouth dropped open in sudden understanding. “Oh. Seriously? Is that why you freaked out about our game? You're the one who asked the question in the first place!”

Ahsoka winced. “Don’t I know it. I could have strangled myself.” Her expression turned serious. “I do want to make sure you know that I made all that up about using it against you, though. I would never, ever have done that to you. It didn't even occur to me, until you suggested it and I saw a potential way out of my agony. I was so distraught I would have said almost anything. Then, I didn't know how to fix it without making it obvious why I didn't want to hear about it. I'm so sorry.”

Barriss gazed at her. “It’s alright. I was more upset that I had basically lied to you and couldn’t even explain the real reason.” The absurdity of it all spurred a laugh. “My poor Ahsoka. I kept trying to use it as my deal.” The laughter rose in intensity.

“Tell me about it.” Ahsoka snorted, but then fixed delighted eyes on a laughing Barriss. “Gods above, I love you.”

 _Why?_ The laughter suddenly died and Barriss asked hesitantly, “Why do you love me?”

“Um, well…” The woman seemed to struggle for a moment and then grimaced. “I’m sorry, I’m not sure I know why. I just do.”

“Oh. I suppose that makes sense.” It did make sense. Barriss herself probably would have trouble answering, if their positions were reversed. Still, she had hoped… _what did I hope for?_ Something more concrete—something that would explain the unexplainable.

“Ok, let me try,” Ahsoka said, brushing lips over her forehead. “I know what I love about you. You are mesmerizing, brilliant, selfless, brave, deep, witty, loyal, and quite simply amazing. You give me a feeling of stability, of grounding. I know that doesn’t sound very romantic, but it’s true. I can do things I didn’t think I could, because you are supporting me. You understand me like no one ever has. You’re my… anchor.”

Barriss sucked in an amazed breath as tears formed, joy and disbelief warring within her. She gazed into the shining eyes and saw it all there. Ahsoka seemed to believe what she was saying, but Barriss’ mind insisted it couldn’t be true. _I don’t deserve it. She thinks you do, though. Maybe, you should… go with it?_

Hands gripped her face and Ahsoka continued quietly, “I could go on all night, but every word seems so inadequate. There’s something truly special about you that defies description. Me loving you isn’t surprising. It’s you loving me that makes no sense. I don’t know how I managed to be this lucky.”

 _I… believe all of it._ Suddenly overwhelmed by the feeling, tears began rolling down Barriss’ face.

Gentle fingers wiped the tears away. “Does that answer your question?”

Barriss choked out a laugh, trying a haughty wave of her hand. “It will do for now, I suppose.”

Lips brushed over hers tenderly and then Ahsoka whispered, “Good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally part of "Friends with Benefits". Theme-wise, however, it didn't really fit at the end of that story. So, I cut the scene. Then, I decided to expand it a bit. I always enjoyed the idea of Ahsoka and Barriss discussing all of their crazy behavior in trying to pretend they didn't love each other. 
> 
> Also, I wanted to further explore Barriss' growth. Just knowing Ahsoka loves her doesn't mean the insecurities have suddenly disappeared. I guess deep down Barriss doesn't believe she deserves to be loved and especially not by someone as amazing as Ahsoka. I doubt she's over it, even after this. However, she does seem to at least accept that Ahsoka believes it and that's enough for now.


	16. The Greater Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sixteen-year old Barriss struggles to focus after a recent mission to Shili. In the process, she discovers a purpose. Meanwhile, Luminara tries to keep her apprentice on the path to destiny. 
> 
> This is brand new and set between chapters 2-3 of "Where I've Always Been" and chapter 6 of "True Failure".
> 
> *Spoiler Warning for WIAB and TF*
> 
> [Many thanks to Nny11, who gave me the idea for this story!]

 “Yes, Master.” 

“This particular mission will require complete focus. It will be necessary to make in the moment decisions to achieve the objective. The most effective strategy could involve infiltration, manipulation, theft, confrontation or beyond. You understand?”

“Every mission requires focus, Master,” Barriss replied. 

Luminara raised an eyebrow. “Indeed. However, of late, it is a fact you seem to have forgotten.” 

The girl shifted, but gave no other sign that the remark affected her. “I apologize for my failure to focus. I will endeavor to improve on this next assignment.”

“You will endeavor to improve?” Luminara asked flatly.

There may have been a slight wince, but it was difficult to tell. A sign that Barriss’ control was definitely stronger. The reply was decisive. “I _will_ improve, Master.”

The woman ran an assessing eye over her apprentice. Since the girl’s return from Shili, she had been distracted. Fortunately, it hadn’t impacted the successful completion of several missions in the last few months. _Yet._ “Very well. I will meet you at the Naboo facility in seventy-three hours. Don’t disappoint me.”

“I won’t.” Barriss pivoted and exited the room with a determined nod.

Luminara watched her go and then sighed. The girl could be truly great. Meeting this young warrior in Shili had been unfortunate. While her skills were still superior, the normally intense concentration wasn’t there. If this continued, it would lead to eventual failure, including potentially life-threatening consequences. Luminara Unduli had no intention of letting that happen.

_______

Barriss crept through the shadows of the building overhangs, keeping the target visible. The woman’s features were incredibly distracting. They made her thoughts wander to a shining girl in a pit. _Focus._

The elegantly-dressed Togruta stopped in front of a nondescript house and surveyed the surrounding area. Apparently spotting no one, she knocked on the door and waited.

 _Four minutes maximum._ Moving swiftly, Barriss swung up the side of the house, landing on a window ledge. Peeking around, she saw a richly furnished interior. _Too rich for this neighborhood._ It was clearly a rarely used sitting room, however, so the girl leapt to the next closest window.

Once again, the room was empty. However, the location and contents told her all she needed to know. The turreted window contained criss-crossing spiked beams to prevent outside entry. However, the designer clearly had a full-sized human in mind when creating it. _Limited thinking._

Bracing bent legs against the outside of the window, she compressed her diminutive body and slid through one of the small openings headfirst. Halfway through, the girl twisted upwards, grabbing the spikes above her head, and slowly pulled her lower body straight out. Once her feet had cleared the spikes, she lowered them onto the inner ledge and released her hold on the spikes.

Barriss dropped down the stone wall and assessed the space. Noting the partially concealed side door, she examined the latch mechanism and adjusted the lock. Continuing her inspection, she realized there was no area of concealment that would give her an adequate view or strategic location. _Hmm… let’s make one._

Adjusting the heavy curtain around the window, Barriss jumped on the sill behind it. There were decorative notches laid into the stonework. The girl smiled with satisfaction.

Pulling out her dagger, she cut a slit in the extreme top of the curtain, where it would be unlikely to draw attention. Barriss ripped the edges in a random, haphazard fashion, ensuring the opening remained small. Then, she examined her work. _Good._ If noticed, it would look like a threaded, worn piece of curtain had simply succumbed to the elements.

Listening carefully, she heard nothing. Given the relative time to escort a guest in a house with this layout, combined with the slow gait of the woman, Barriss had approximately one minute and four seconds remaining.

Removing a short, fortified metal arrow from her pouch, she lodged it firmly into the side of the window frame. Bracing each foot in a notch, Barriss grabbed the protruding shaft to balance herself. _Excellent._ Her eye was flush with the makeshift rip in the curtain. It wasn’t a perfect view, but it would do.

Hanging off the side of the window, the girl closed her eyes, running through muscle enhancement techniques and stabilizing her body. Flexing experimentally, Barriss knew she could maintain this position for at least twenty-three minutes. There was a self-satisfied surge of emotion. _See, Master? I can focus._ The thought caused her to sway slightly. _Ok, don’t ruin your own point._

Though, the woman wasn’t wrong. Ever since returning from Shili, Barriss found her mind wandering at inappropriate times. One image surfaced more than any other. A young warrior gazed at her, complete belief shining from fierce blue eyes. It always filled Barriss with inexplicable happiness. The feeling was so addictive, she couldn’t seem to stop herself from enjoying it again and again.

As she smiled vacantly at the memory, Barriss felt herself slipping out of position. Snapping back into reality, she mentally cringed. _You are going to disappoint her. Again._

Voices emanated from the doorway and two figures entered the room. The first was a Twi’lek with an obsequious manner. “This way, my lady. My master will be with you shortly.”

There was no response, but the visitor moved to the center of the room. 

Looking through the makeshift hole, Barriss observed the woman more closely. She was a regal-looking Togruta with magnificently-long lekku. The montrals rose prominently off the top of her head. They were much more well-defined than Ashla’s. That was to be expected, given the other Togruta’s youth. _I bet Ashla’s will be more beautiful when she’s this age, though._ These were too… unapproachable to be beautiful.

The white face markings were elegant and powerful. However, Barriss preferred Ashla’s fiercer, less extensive markings. These were too… haughty or something. As if, they were a physical representation of the woman’s superior status.

The face was thoughtful and serene. Barriss could find no fault with that. _Though, it could use some emotion. Something a little more open._ Realizing she was once again comparing it to the young warrior’s, Barriss bit her lip. _Focus!_

Another figure strolled into the room, closing the door behind him. “I’m pleased you could make it, my lady.” It was a human male, about mid-forties with a suave smile. Jet black hair gleamed in the sunlight streaming through the window. The man’s posture was casual and friendly, but his burnt green eyes were cold.

The woman turned to him with a grim smile. “You didn’t give me much of a choice.”

“Nonsense. You could have ignored my request and dealt with the consequences.”

There was no response as the Togruta merely stared at him impassively.

He barked out a short laugh and then crossed to the desk at the far end of the room. “Very well. Down to business. Your property is locked away right here.” He ran an inviting hand over a small chest with several locks, sitting solidly on the desk. “Do you have what I requested?”

“No,” she said flatly, “nor will I deliver it.”

The man stared, clearly trying to hide surprise, before menace burned into his face. “That is unfortunate. You are forcing me to take unpleasant actions.”

She shrugged. “You can take whatever actions you feel necessary.”

Cooing loudly, the man raised annoyed eyebrows.

Five well-armed enforcers flew through the main door. Barriss noted the side door crack open a half-inch, but no one appeared. _Back-up._

“Tell me, Lady Ti, why did you come here if you had no intention of following through with our arrangement?” 

“I came here,” she answered as if it was obvious, “to retrieve my property.”

The cold eyes couldn’t hide the surprise this time and darted around the room, as if missing something. Mouth twisting, he commented, “And, how did you plan on managing that without the agreed upon payment?”

“We can negotiate a new arrangement. You can simply give it to me. Or, I suppose I can always take it from your cold, dead hands.”

His face hardened. “Now, that I understand. Unfortunately, I think you will find that a wasted effort. There will be no new arrangement.” The voice turned contemptuous. “Do reconsider. I would hate to harm such an important lady of distinction.”

“That is kind of you,” she replied dryly, “but unnecessary. However, I will give you a chance to do so. I prefer to avoid harming others. I am sure you must have some redeeming qualities.”

For a moment, an edge of rage surfaced. Then, the man reverted to his original suave demeanor. “I hope you don’t expect me to let you walk away with your property simply because your death would be complicated to clean up. I always like to rise to the occasion.”

Her face turned quizzical. “I’m sorry. Are you anticipating I will be the one to die? I believe you may be misunderstanding my intentions.”

“Alright, that’s it. I’m done with being a gentleman. It’s time for you to leave the premises and deal with the consequences of failing our arrangement. Or, you can stay and die.”

Barriss tensed, ready to move, should things take a more dangerous turn. _Looking extremely likely at the moment. She isn’t exactly leaving many options here._

The Togruta gazed at him in annoyance. “I think I’ve already made my decision clear. Perhaps, you are stalling?” Looking at the group of enforcers behind him, she commented, “Your leader appears frightened of me. Does this happen often?”

Instead of inciting the man to rage, the statement seemed to calm him. A chilly voice said, “If you insist on fighting my highly-trained associates to the death, I suppose I can’t stop you.”

“Oh, I don’t,” was the simple reply.

He stared at her.

“I do apologize. I should have been more clear in my response. I don’t plan on fighting any of you. I merely intend to walk out of here with my property. Whether you die or not will depend entirely on your own choices, I imagine.”

Evidently reaching the end of his rope, the man fixed murderous eyes on the woman. “Kill her. Now. Just don’t make a mess.” 

There were grunts of ‘about time’ as they circled her.

 _Hmm…_ Barriss had worked up seven potential strategies. The one with the highest success rate involved high casualties. Her master’s voice rang in her ears. _Needless violence is the last recourse of the undisciplined and fearful._ Steeling herself, Barriss chose the most difficult path. _Wait and see, Master. I won’t fail you._

Leaping from her precarious perch, the girl flipped into the room, firing an arrow into the side door mechanism with precision during the last rotation. She heard the resulting thud and cries of alarm as it latched back into place and locked.

The occupants of the room scattered as the new threat unexpectedly emerged. Except for the lady, who remained regally poised with a disappointed yet resigned expression, as if she was holding court and had just been informed of unpleasant news.

Quickly stringing two arrows, the girl fired them into the enforcers nearest the Togruta. They landed perfectly in a thigh of each one and the men went down with joint screams. The remaining attackers charged Barriss, but were too slow. She fired off an arrow into the side of one and a follow-up into the upper chest of the other.

The only enforcer still standing dove behind the desk to avoid any shot fired his way.

Keeping one eye on him, Barriss targeted the leader. “Now, I believe the lady was asking for her property?”

The man stood in abject disbelief by the side of the desk, sword at the ready. “And, who are you, exactly?”

 _He’s stalling._ Barriss knew the side door team was likely already en route to the main entryway. Shooting an arrow into his sword arm and swiftly stringing another, she replied, “I suggest you call off your back-up or there may not be much left for them to back-up.”

His weapon clanged to the floor as the man grabbed his injured arm and a pained, shocked face stared at her for a moment. Then, he cooed loudly.

“Wrong answer,” Barriss said and released an arrow into his leg. The man’s right side collapsed beneath him and he hit the ground.

As she restrung another arrow, Barriss kicked his sword away and backed across the room to lock the main door. Returning to the partially-kneeling man, she directly targeted his face.

Searing anger blazed as he looked over at his remaining enforcer, who was still cowering behind the desk.

A wary face glanced between his employer and Barriss. Then, arms rose slowly in surrender. She motioned him to the chair and he immediately sat, placing hands flat on the desk to ensure no arrows came his way. 

Refocusing on the injured man, who was ineffectively trying to rise from the floor, she said, “Now, where were we?” The movements stopped and deathly fear flashed through the burnt green eyes. Barriss felt a momentary rush of pride. _I have you now._ Then, she frowned at herself. _Focus._ “Your choices are give us the keys or die. Which would you prefer?”

Radiating cold rage, the man bit out, “Fine.” Shifting toward the Togruta, he threw a small ring of keys from his belt. “This isn’t over, my lady.”

The woman opened the chest, rifling through it with dexterous fingers, before removing a small leather pouch. Then, she moved forward to stand beside Barriss and lifted quizzical eyebrows. “I did give you a chance. Don’t blame me if you were too overconfident to take it.” Glancing at Barriss, she nodded readiness.

The girl raised an elbow and slammed it down on the man’s head. He collapsed into unconsciousness. Looking at the lone enforcer still sitting paralyzed at the desk, she remarked, “Behave for a minute and there should be plenty of time to disappear prior to your employer's recovery.”

The man simply jerked his head, anxious eyes fixed on her, clearly not intending to move a muscle.

Lady Ti looked at her with interest. “What now? I presume there are more of them outside?”

“Indeed, my lady. This way, please.” Barriss waved toward the side door. “It should now be clear for our egress.”

There was an impressed smile as the woman followed her from the room.

_______

As they reached the safety of a crowded street, several blocks away from the house, the woman turned to Barriss. “Thank you for your assistance. Can I ask why you chose not to kill them?”

“Needless violence is the recourse of the undisciplined, my lady. There was no need to do so in this instance.”

Intelligent eyes seemed to assess her. “I see. An interesting philosophy for someone in your line of work. However, one I can appreciate.”

Barriss merely nodded as they continued walking.

“Tell me, how old are you?”

Trying not to show surprise, she answered, “Sixteen. Does that matter?”

“Not at all,” was the thoughtful reply, “I was simply curious. Your skills are impressive for one so young.”

Barriss glanced at her in slight disbelief. “Thank you, my lady. But, I still have much to learn.”

“I doubt that. I am not easy to impress, my young spy. I have also known many in your profession. I must tell you, the stamina, discipline, and strategic abilities you displayed are rarely combined to such good effect. Much less, your perfectly executed precision with an arrow.”

 _I doubt my master agrees with that assessment._ Unable to think of a response that wasn’t disrespectful, Barriss said, “Well, I am glad I was able to complete the assignment to your satisfaction. Is there anything else you require?”

The woman gazed at her for a moment. “No, I believe I can handle things from here. However, if you ever decide you would like a more permanent position, let me know. I could use someone with your skills.”

“Oh.” Barriss had to work hard to keep her mouth from dropping open. _Why would she want me? I’m sure there are plenty of less mistake-ridden spies to choose from._ “I appreciate the offer. However, as I said, I have more to learn before I would be worthy of such a position.”

“No, that is not true at all.” There was a small sigh. “Though, I can see argument would be pointless. I will only reiterate the offer. Your work for me would be toward the greater good, not simply individuals with varying motivations. Everything you do would serve the whole. You could make the world a better place. It is a hard life, full of sacrifice, but a meaningful one. If you ever feel that is for you, come and find me.” With a wan smile, the Togruta glided away.

Barriss stared after her blankly. _The greater good?_ That was for wise leaders or valiant warriors, people with noble purposes. _Not for apprentice spies who can’t even focus._

Still, the idea was strangely gripping. _What if I could help people? Not just one person, who may or may not be deserving, but the world as a whole? My life could mean something. Maybe, even… I would mean something._

Excitement bubbled to an overwhelming level, until she remembered reality. _I can’t help everyone. I can’t even focus properly. I don’t deserve it. I would have to be better. Much better. No mistakes._

A life of sacrifice, the woman had said. _Yes. If I want to be good enough to serve the greater good, I have to sacrifice. I have to let go of the individual, control my emotions. That’s what Master would say, isn’t it?_ The concept solidified in sudden clarity. _I have to let go of me._

An unbidden image of a grinning young warrior appeared. This time the unconditional faith seemed to radiate from the girl’s entire being. Warring emotions burst through internal seams as piercing happiness flowed alongside terrible realization. _Let go. I don’t want to. You have to. Your life could mean something._

Slamming her eyes shut, Barriss banished the image to the recesses of her mind. Tears started to form as the memory flew further away from conscious thought. _I’m sorry. It’s for the greater good._

When she opened her eyes, Barriss felt outside of herself, objective and calm. _Yes, it’s the only way. One day, I will be worthy of serving the greater good._

Releasing a relieved breath, she began walking down the street with a new sense of purpose. Barriss Offee now had a reason to exist.

_______

“It appears your mission was a success. I’ve already heard from the client. She spoke highly of your skills.”

Barriss replied impassively, “I am glad she was satisfied with the results.”

Tamping down a unwelcome sense of pride, Luminara said, “I can see you took my advice to heart. The increased focus is already evident. Very good.”

“I am glad you are also satisfied with the results, Master.”

The focus in Barriss’ gaze was intense, even for her. _Not a bad thing._ Still, for some reason, it made Luminara uncomfortable. Shaking herself, she decided to move on from the unexplainable feeling. “We have a joint mission three days from now. Before we prepare for that, I would like to debrief you on this one.”

“As you wish, Master.” The reply was delivered with a total lack of emotion. Even on her best days, Barriss had never been able to manage such complete blankness.

Something had definitely changed. The inexplicable concern surfaced again and Luminara asked, “Are you feeling well, Barriss?”

A momentary surprise showed on her apprentice’s face. “Of course. Do you feel my performance is lacking?”

“Not precisely. You just seem a bit… different,” she replied noncommittally. _Too controlled. There’s no such thing, Luminara. Why are you questioning this? Isn’t it what you always wanted?_

“I’ve simply realized you were correct and intend to become better.”

“In that case, I suppose there is no issue.”

The girl merely nodded and then waited expectantly.

The uncertainty flared again. _Perhaps, you’re the one who isn’t in top form today._ Focusing her mind, Luminara shut out the strange emotions completely, until she felt outside of herself. Finally, a sense of blank objectivity filled her. “Very well. Report.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was trying to explore the impact of meeting Ahsoka, while showing us a bit of young Barriss’ skills and interactions with Luminara. In WIAB, we only see where she ended up years later. There was also her need to serve the greater good. She even mentions to Plo that it gave her comfort. It was clearly a coping mechanism that became an obsession. Where did that come from?
> 
> The painful irony of an inherently noble idea originating from what could have been a freeing experience is a bit tragic. Meeting someone (or even two people) who have faith in her seems to have a twistedly opposite effect. Barriss reconciles it as best she can without a frame of reference other than Luminara's philosophy and her inherent self-worth issues. It’s almost like she sees a way out of the conflicted emotions she doesn’t understand. (Sounds familiar *cough* Luminara.)
> 
> Speaking of Master Luminara… I have a question for you, dear readers... Is she desperate for Barriss to focus because she wants her to be the best, needs her apprentice to be successful to reinforce Luminara’s own beliefs/self-worth, or is just that she doesn't want Barriss to get herself killed? You tell me.
> 
> *side note* What in the name of the Force is Shaak Ti doing exactly? I'm open to ideas, ha.


	17. Lucky Lux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lux Bonteri finally gets to see his soulmate and the experience is life-changing. Ahsoka gets a tiny bit jealous.
> 
> This is half-new/half-deleted scene. I partially wrote this as a follow-up to his appearance in Chapter 29 of "Where I've Always Been". 
> 
> [Set between Chapters 29-30 of WIAB (Pre-Felucia)]
> 
> *Spoiler Warning for WIAB*

“Well, it’s about time. I guess you think all I do is wait around for beautiful ladies to show up at their leisure?”

Ahsoka laughed and gave him a quick hug. “Um, isn’t that your job? Aren’t you eternally waiting for the woman of your dreams?”

Lux grinned. “Well, since we’ve established you don’t want the position, you can’t use that excuse. Unless, of course, you’ve brought my soulmate along?”

“I think you mean my soulmate, don’t you?” she asked with an evil grin.

“Nope. I meant mine. It’s only a matter of time, you know,” he replied airly.

Ahsoka punched him playfully in the arm. “Don’t get your hopes up, buddy.”

Another voice suddenly echoed across the Naboo safehouse. “Hmm… I don’t know, Ahsoka. You didn’t tell me I was his soulmate. I may need to reconsider my options.”

Lux flipped around, breath catching in his throat. A woman in a emerald green cloak was standing in the doorway. Her hood was down and Lux took in the olive complexion, smooth skin, diamond tattoos, and midnight black hair. Deep, intelligent cobalt eyes were looking at him with amusement. His heart jumped in his chest. She was even more mesmerizing than he had imagined. “Ful-fulcrum?”

She smiled. “Sometimes. How are you, Lux?”

He jumped forward, giving a formal bow. “Better than possibly ever at this moment—now, that I’m seeing my soulmate.” She laughed and the man sucked in a sharp breath. It was still a beautiful sound. His main goal in every interaction with Fulcrum had been to elicit that laugh. Hearing it come from the mesmerizing face sent Lux into another realm of existence entirely.

The woman responded with clear enjoyment, “Well, she’s glad to have brought such happiness.”

Ahsoka suddenly interrupted, “Alright, enough of that. Didn’t we have a mission to discuss?”

Fulcrum glanced at her in wry amusement. “Hmm, this is new. Lux, you may have actually managed to make the Lady Jedi slightly insecure. I am, quite frankly, in awe of such skill.”

He grinned devilishly at Ahsoka and then turned back to Fulcrum with an overly serious expression. “Well, somebody has to do it. Do you know how many soulmates I’ve lost to her charming ways?”

An exasperated sound came from behind him as Ahsoka quickly moved next to Fulcrum. “Don’t believe a word he says, my dear. The man delights in tormenting me.” Then, her eyes glinted. “Besides, my hopeless romantic, you are getting ahead of yourself. You don’t even know her real name. You’d think that would be a requirement for true love.”

Lux glared at her.

Fulcrum spoke up quickly, “Ah, yes, an oversight on my part.” Stepping toward him, she lifted a slender, elegant hand. “Hello, Lux Bonteri, my name is Barriss Offee. It’s nice to meet you.”

He gaped in unblinking amazement. “Barriss Offee? The spymaster? Oh Gods.” Shaking himself out of his delight, he quickly took her hand and kissed it, grinning as engagingly as possible. “I’m afraid I must confess that I am now completely certain that I’m in love.”

Her eyes flashed with amused pleasure. “See Ahsoka? I told you he was charming.” She looked at him very seriously. “For some reason, she kept trying to convince me otherwise.”

Ahsoka sent aggravated eyes skyward.

Lux shot a triumphant look her direction and then smiled warmly at Barriss, placing another hand on top of the one he was still holding. “I’m not surprised. My charms were always lost on her.”

The woman quirked an impish eyebrow. “Hmm… her loss, I suppose.”  

Abruptly pulling Barriss’ hand out of his and gripping it tightly, Ahsoka remarked in clear annoyance, “There is a rebellion going on and all. We should get to work.”

Barriss grinned. “If you insist.” Turning mischievous eyes on Lux, she said, “So, would you like to fill us in on the latest security measures? I know you probably have everything laid out. It will be refreshing to work with someone who appreciates an eye for detail.”

Ahsoka groaned. “I can already tell this is going to be the worst week of my life.”

Lux gave her a wry look. “Now, you know what it's like to be me.”

That got him another glare from Ahsoka.

Still gazing at Barriss in open admiration, he lifted an arm. “This way, woman of my dreams.”

She smiled and took his arm.

Lux threw an evil grin back to Ahsoka. “Come on, Fulcrum #2, let’s go.”

There was a semi-amused head shake accompanied by a vexed sigh. “Lead on, Master of Love.”

_______

Lux gazed at the woman across from him in confused melancholy. He should be floating through a self-indulgent cloud of happiness at this moment. Yet, he only felt sadness.

The feeling had suddenly appeared two days ago. Her slender fingers had been moving across schematics with precision, delicate features focused thoughtfully on potential egress points. Then, piercing blue eyes had looked up and asked him a question—a routine inquiry about guard deployments or something equally mundane. It was when Lux answered that he realized it existed. He wasn’t sure if it had always been there or was something new. Either way, it seemed to be here to stay.

Despite his romantically-inclined tendencies, the man had never actually met anyone that lived up to his idealized image. Barriss exceeded it. She was so far above it, he couldn’t imagine anyone being good enough to deserve her. Ahsoka, perhaps, came close. Still, Lux couldn’t banish the idea that even the Lady Jedi didn’t quite meet the mark. And, he definitely wasn’t in the same realm of existence.

Of course, the man didn’t need to be. Barriss was the unattainable goal you worked toward, but never reached. She was, in effect, the dream—not reality. Somehow, knowing the ideal actually existed made reality more painful.

At first, Lux put it down to the idea of the mission ending soon. They had been infiltrating several key facilities in Naboo over the last week. Only one target remained. When they both left, he would certainly miss them. Lux rarely spent this much uninterrupted time with anyone, especially not people he felt… connected to. It had been surprisingly wonderful and the man was loathe to let it go. Still, that was a different kind of sadness than the depressing ache permeating his heart. He wasn’t convinced Barriss was causing it, either. Though, the more Lux looked at her face the more miserable he became. The exact opposite of what should be.

Mentally shaking himself, he began filtering the inexplicable emotions out. He needed to compartmentalize, to focus. Otherwise, the losses would become meaningless. Lux swept the strange sadness into the recesses of his mind. It was a skill he had mastered long ago, shortly after Onderon fell.

After a few moments, the heartache diminished and clarity reasserted itself. Sighing with relief, he leaned against the table, listening to Barriss finish up the briefing. Lux Bonteri would keep going.

_______

“You alright there, buddy?”

Lux glanced at Ahsoka in the dim lighting of the storage closet. They had successfully infiltrated the supply depot. Now, they simply had to wait for the guard change to access the records room. He gave her a broad smile. “Never better.”

She raised doubtful eyebrows. “Maybe. You seem a bit off today.”

Surprised, he gazed at her with interest. Ahsoka wasn’t usually this perceptive. Well, the old Ahsoka wasn’t. This one was slightly different—more reflective, better grounded or something. “Um, yeah, good to go. Nice to know you care, though,” he added lightly.

There was a brief silence and then she rushed out, “You know I’m here if you need to talk, right?”

“Yeah, ‘course I do.”

Her concerned expression didn’t subside. “Lux, I know we just found each other again, but it doesn’t mean I’m not still your friend. And, I really hope you’re still mine.”

A strange warmth, the feeling of contentment that came from someone caring about you, settled over him. Lux suddenly realized it was something he hadn’t felt in a very long time. At least, not until this week. The man replied earnestly, “Don’t worry. You’re… the only friend I’ve got left.”

A strong hand gripped his. “I hope that’s not true. In fact, I know it’s not. Because, you’ve already won over Barriss in record time, much to my dismay,” Ahsoka ended with a wry grin.

Lux commented, “I can’t help it if she recognizes true love when she sees it.”

There was an exaggerated sigh, before the woman’s expression turned serious. “Either way, I promise you’ll always have me. We’ve both lost a lot since we were young. I realize I wasn’t the greatest friend back then. But, I always cared about you and that hasn’t changed.”

“Huh,” he said, staring at her in some amazement, “I’m not sure what to do with you these days. You’re different, you know.”

“Um, is that good or bad?” she asked dryly.

Lux chuckled. “Oh, definitely good. It’s just a bit disconcerting when you aren’t insulting me. Serious and sentimental Ahsoka throws me off.”

She snorted. “Whatever.” Fierce blue eyes met his. “My point is you don’t have to be alone anymore.”

The warmth filled him again and Lux squeezed her hand. “Thanks.” Flashing a mischievous grin, he added, “Anyhow, I hope you meant all of that. Because, you’re so stuck with me now!”

Ahsoka sent her eyes skyward. “I think I can handle it.”

_______

“So, are you going to tell me what’s wrong with you?”

He spun around to find Barriss standing in the doorway of the operations room. Shrugging the silver cloak off his shoulders, the man answered lightly, “Well, that’s a loaded question! I’m sure whole books could be written on the issues of Lux Bonteri!” He shot her an engaging grin.

The woman quirked an eyebrow as she strolled over to him. “That’s not going to work on me, you know.”

“What isn’t?” he responded, feeling slight pressure in his chest. Pulling the dagger from his belt, Lux reached for the nearby buffing cloth.

“Deflecting questions with your endearing charm. You’re good, but not that good.” She added wryly, “I am a legendary spymaster for a reason.”

Putting down his dagger, Lux took her hand, kissing it reverently. “You don’t have to tell me that. You are beyond amazing.”

That got him an actual smile, but then she commented, “Flattery isn’t going to work, either. Though, I do admire your persistence.”

He glanced away, silently contemplating how to avoid this conversation. Barriss always seemed to pick up what he desperately didn’t want anyone to see.

The fingers he was still holding suddenly twisted around his, gripping them tightly. “Lux, please. I know you didn’t find out my true identity until recently, but we have actually known each other a long time. I can tell when something is wrong. You’re great at hiding it—just not from me. Please, let me help.”

The man drug his eyes back to her and shrugged. “I don’t really know what’s wrong.”

“Alright,” Barriss replied slowly, “tell me what you’re feeling. Maybe, we can figure it out.”

Lux gazed into the intense eyes for a moment and then opted for honesty. “I’d rather not figure it out.”

“Ah,” was the simple reply.

“Ah?” He couldn’t help a small chuckle. “Is that spymaster code for ‘Lux, you’re so messed up not even I can fix you?’ or simply a holding pattern until you calculate a new approach?”

She snorted. “Neither. It was… understanding.”

He raised dubious eyebrows. “Uh huh. You’re telling me from one sentence you now know exactly what’s wrong with me? Keeping in mind, it’s something not even I fully understand?”

“Yes,” the woman replied sincerely.

Curiosity fought with reluctance inside him. The former finally won out and he fixed her with a challenging gaze. “Ok then. Let’s hear it.”

Barriss squeezed his hand. “You’re miserable, but pretending you’re not.” She paused, locking their eyes. “You think if you just keep going it will never catch up with you. There is only the next mission. You’ve become so good at it, no one—including you—notices that you never invest emotionally. It probably comes automatically. You keep everyone at arm’s length by projecting the confident charm of a man who is perfectly fine.”

Lux quickly dropped her hand and turned away. Sorrow and loneliness rolled over his heart. Picking up his dagger and jerking the cloth over it, he tried to cycle through his standard mental blocking. But, it wasn’t working. The emotions wouldn’t compartmentalize this time. In fact, they seemed to be getting stronger.

A slender hand gripped his shoulder. “You’re not alone,” Barriss said softly. “Why do you think I understand? My approach—who I used to be—was different, but I recognize the pain.”

Reaching up, he took her hand and gripped it, struggling to maintain control. “Thanks. I’ll be fine, though.”

There was an exasperated sigh. “I doubt it. Granted, you’re more charming than I ever managed. The best I could do was stare at people impassively, telling myself I didn’t care about them. You really are incredibly good at it.”

Lux gave a small snort. “I’m not sure if that’s an accomplishment.”

Barriss moved in front of him and brushed warm fingers over his cheek. “Oh, but it is.” She paused contemplatively. “I had Ahsoka. Rather, we had each other. Lux Bonteri had to deal with it on his own. And, that man figured out a productive and noble way to adapt. His way enriched the lives of the people around him, even if it hurt him to do it. You are the amazing one.”

He sucked in a breath at the admiration shining from her eyes.

“But,” she continued intently, “now it’s time to adapt again. You’ve turned loss into meaning at the expense of yourself for too long.” Slender hands gripped both sides of his face. “No more, Lux Bonteri. You’re not alone anymore. You have us. Not just us, though. You can have so much more. Instead of dreaming of love like it’s something you can never achieve, why don’t you go out and find it?”

Lux stared at her, replying defensively, “What? You think I haven’t tried?!”

Barriss shook her head. “No, I don’t think you have. You dream of happiness, but you never let yourself experience it.” Her voice pulsated with a soft intensity. “How can you find love, if you’re unwilling to love anyone?”

Opening his mouth to object, he halted with sudden clarity, now understanding the strange misery. For the first time in years, Lux had people who cared about him, who understood him. Something his mind hadn’t thought would ever be true again. A lost friend rising from the dead, meeting an ideal woman—Ahsoka and Barriss existed. That meant his dreams could be reality. Now that he knew it, he wanted it desperately. Lux wanted to love again, but didn’t know how. It was as if his heart had forgotten. The man whispered, “Can you give me a minute? Please? I need to… figure something out.”

She kissed his forehead gently and then released her grip. “Of course. Don’t forget I’m here, though, as is Ahsoka. I might never have figured things out without her. That’s what I’m really trying to say. You don’t have to do it by yourself, anymore. You have us.”

As he gazed into the supportive eyes, Lux felt comforting surety. He had… people. “Thanks, I won’t forget.”

Barriss smiled warmly and left the room.  

Lux slumped into a chair, unmoving, a multitude of emotions crashing over him. Tears broke through years of control, streaming chaotically from his eyes. He had almost forgotten what they felt like. Lux just let them fall.

_______

“Ready?”

Lux grinned engagingly. “More than ready.”

Barriss smiled and gripped his hand. “Good.”

Lifting her hand, he kissed it gently. “Don’t be a stranger, now. It is my intention to make as many friends as possible. Still, I may need regular visits from my soulmate to keep my spirits up.”

She laughed and twisted her head to brush lips over his cheek. “Not to worry. You won’t get rid of me that easily. Though, if you really want to make me happy, I’d rather you meet someone so special you charmingly and awkwardly try to rush me out the door as soon as I arrive.”

He snorted. “I’ll see what I can do.”

Lux surveyed the city one last time, feeling a sense of satisfaction. His work here was done. It was time to move on. But, this time would be different. Lux Bonteri wasn’t just starting a new mission. He was finally beginning a new life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As mentioned, I wrote part of this early on and then abandoned it, since it was irrelevant to where I was going in WIAB. However, I always wanted to loop back around to Lux at some point. I was working on another one-shot that involved him, so I thought I'd go ahead and finish it up. I reworked it to be from Lux's POV, which I think works better anyway. 
> 
> I liked the idea of showing another way people adapt to loss. Lux, like Ahsoka, lost everything including his family and home. Unlike Ahsoka, he didn't have anyone for support, yet he managed to make the losses productive. Though, without support, the emotional stability we eventually achieved with Ahsoka/Barriss in WIAB didn't happen for him. Barriss decided to die with one last glorious mission for the greater good. Ahsoka kept fighting, but did it impulsively. They tempered each other into something truly balanced and productive. Lux kept going and made himself into someone who helped the world without anyone. Though, he was still just as messed up. Perhaps, a result of his naturally optimistic disposition? In his appearance in WIAB, he showed physical manifestations of living a false life as a deep cover spy, probably exacerbated by his mental distress.
> 
> Lux could probably have his own story, life as a young royal, love, loss, rebellion spy, rescue by Ahsoka, all the way through finding new meaning in his life and moving forward. Interesting thought parallel to Ahsoka's story.


	18. Fulcrum's Legacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While undercover as Fulcrum, Barriss is captured. Ahsoka and Lux mount a rescue with the help of Fulcrum's contact.
> 
> This is a one-off I wrote in tandem with a previous chapter called "Lucky Lux". The stories are only minimally related, since Lux isn't a main focus here. So, you can read the Lux story first or not. It won't make much of a difference.
> 
> [Set between Chapters 29-30 of "Where I've Always Been" (Pre-Felucia)]
> 
> *Spoiler Warning for WIAB*

“I’m looking for someone. She would have arrived a day or two ago—likely wearing an emerald cloak.”

The tavern keeper gazed at her strangely. “A woman in green? Yeah, maybe. She a friend of yours?”

Ahsoka nodded a cloaked head. “Is she staying here?”

The Rodian sidled further down the bar and leaned a little too casually against it, dropping one of his hands to his side. “Might have been.”

Immediately on guard, Ahsoka slid a hand to her sword. “If you can’t help me, just say so.”

Thin lips stretched into an unpleasant smile. “Oh, I think I can provide some insight. You might not like it, though.”

A new voice suddenly broke in, “Oh Gods, it’s Aurra Sing! I can’t believe it!”

Both of them flipped around as a young woman jumped from a table and ran up to the bar. She peered excitedly under Ahsoka’s hood. “It is you! I thought I recognized the voice and, of course, your signature onyx cloak!”

About to correct her misconception, Ahsoka said, “Actually, I—”

The newcomer interrupted, “We met in Coruscant, you know, two years ago. Well, kind of met. I was the one who warned you about Zam Wesell aiming a crossbow at your back, while you both were trying to capture that rogue wookie. This is amazing! Aurra Sing in my village—who would have thought?! Are you here to find that rebel spy? I’m afraid you’re too late. I hope you haven’t spent a long time tracking her.”

The Rodian’s gaze darted to Ahsoka with wary interest. “I thought you said the rebel was your friend?”

Adapting quickly, Ahsoka shifted her voice to a low, hard tone, reminiscent of Asajj. “I said whatever was necessary to get information on my bounty. What does she mean, too late?”

He grinned with relish. “Palpatine’s soldiers already took her away. Looks like you’re out of luck, bounty hunter.”

 _No._ Ahsoka clenched her fists, mind spinning into panic, but stayed in character. Projecting cold annoyance, she replied, “Great. That’s a week of work wasted.” Pitching her voice to a threatening level, she asked the still smirking Rodian, “Were you planning on telling me this?”

His smile dropped as he lifted defensive hands. “Sure, I would have! How was I supposed to know? I thought you might be one of them.”

“I see,” she replied menacingly, “you thought you’d capture me and make a tidy profit? You should give this girl free drinks for life, because she just saved yours. You wouldn’t have survived the experience.”

He gulped. “You’ve got me all wrong. Hey, how about a drink? Or a hot meal after your journey? On the house!”

“I don’t think so, Rodian. You’re lucky to escape your own stupidity with limbs intact.” Ahsoka spun on her heels and stormed out.

_______

Ahsoka waited, resting against the hitching posts outside the tavern, and tried to keep her anxiety in check. Noticing she had exposed the bottom of her gauntlets, the woman uncrossed her arms and adjusted the deep hood to better cover her montrals. _I really hate cloaks._

This one was less constricting than most. It was made of lightweight, breathable fabric and short, only reaching to her booted calves. Barriss, who was always trying to find something Ahsoka could manage to keep on longer than five minutes, had given it to her. Of course, the less voluminous fit also made it more difficult to keep everything covered. _I can’t win._ Then again, she had just impersonated a bounty hunter. _Maybe, I’m getting better at this stuff?_

The young woman finally exited the tavern. She halted at spotting Ahsoka and hissed, “Behind the leather shop in twenty minutes.” Then, she strolled off with a friendly wave.

After a few more minutes of indifferent slouching, Ahsoka wandered in apparent nonchalance through the fairly large village. She noted the disrepair of many of the buildings. The lack of activity on the main thoroughfare was especially concerning. There were no children playing, no shopkeepers chatting, nothing. The few people in sight strode purposefully down the cobbled street, wares clutched tightly to their chests.

 _They’re all scared._ It was becoming the same everywhere. There was always fear. Brief frustration at being unable to fix it flared in her soul. _One thing at a time, Ahsoka._

Reaching the leather shop, she knelt low to the ground and pretended to examine her boot, eyes scanning the area. Seeing no one, she rose and edged her way to the side of the building. Not able to resist adding a dramatic flair, Ahsoka began shaking her boot in feigned annoyance. Throwing hands up in frustration, she pretended to look for somewhere to sit. Then, displaying overdone excitement at spotting something, the woman hobbled out of sight behind the shop.

There was a small, partially hidden alcove against the back of the building. The wooden structure was large enough for two people to talk unobserved, though it would be close quarters. She smiled and entered the space to wait.

The wait wasn’t long. About a minute later, the young woman from the tavern slid into the opening with a determined expression, sword in hand. “Who are you?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” Ahsoka replied lightly. She ran an assessing eye over her new acquaintance. Aqua blue eyes were set on an intelligent, attractive face. Her skin had a bronzed cinnamon sheen with faintly purple accents around her eyes and cheeks. The fleshy tendrils were shorter than other Tholothians Ahsoka had known. Still, the face was mature. _Early twenties?_

The girl responded impassively, “I have no intention of answering your question, until you answer mine.” Only a couple of feet separated them, making the hidden anxiety in the sword arm noticeable. The form and posture were clearly practiced, but not confident.

Ahsoka considered the best approach. _Some training, but unaccustomed to confronting people. Perhaps, a communications runner or an intel analyst?_ It took time to gain the trust of an unknown contact—time Ahsoka didn’t have. _I could just tell her the truth._ Though, she suspected this one wouldn't believe an easily given up answer. _Barriss trains them a little too well._ A more strategic approach was probably needed.

 _Ugh. Why does everything have to be so cloak and dagger?_ She was growing more nervous about Barriss with every moment and inaction was tempting her to do something rash. _Stay calm. You need to find out what she knows._ Putting what she hoped was a reasonable yet wary tone into her voice, Ahsoka responded, “I understand your point of view. However, you must understand mine. Palpatine’s spies take many forms. Your scene at the tavern could have been a ruse.”

The opposing face fluctuated with uncertainty, probably recognizing the truth in the statement.

 _Try a compromise._ “How about this? I’ll reveal myself as a gesture of trust. I think you’ll also realize I’m perfectly capable of killing you at any moment, despite the sword in your hand, _if_ that was my intention.” Moving slowly, Ahsoka removed her cloak. Straightening up in full battle armor and placing relaxed hands on her sword hilts, she locked eyes with the ones across from her. “Now, you decide whether you want to talk.” _Please. I need you to come around quickly._

There was no response for a few moments. Then, the sword was sheathed with a resigned sigh. “I suppose I already made my choice, back at the bar.” The young woman ran an assessing gaze over her and smiled wryly. “I didn’t stand a chance, did I?”

Ahsoka flashed an engaging grin. “Nope. But, don’t worry, I would only have disarmed you. I don’t kill people who are on my side.”

She snorted. “That’s comforting.” The aqua eyes intensified. “A company of soldiers arrived yesterday. I have no idea how they knew Fulcrum was here, but they came specifically for her. They gathered anyone they could find and threatened to kill them, unless someone gave her up. Fulcrum turned herself in to prevent any harm coming to the village.” There was grateful admiration mixed with pained distress in her voice.

Squeezing her eyes shut for a moment, Ahsoka tried to regain control of the sharpened anxiety. _Be strong. Stay focused._ “Do you know where they took her?”

“No, but the company had Mygeeto markings. I assume they are based in this kingdom, probably the main city. I am heading there today to see if my contacts have more details.”

Nodding in frustration, Ahsoka contemplated. She didn’t want to sit around, waiting for information that may never come. Checking their other communication networks was an option. But, if Barriss was taken to Mygeeto, this girl would be the one to find out. The city was only a couple of hours ride from here. _I guess that’s the place to start._ Refocusing, she said, “Can I accompany you? If Fulcrum is there, I need to know.”

The eyes across from her flickered warily.

Ahsoka added, “I know it’s a risk. I’m going, either way. I can ride on my own, but you still won’t be rid of me. I _will_ find you again. Or, you can keep an eye on me, by letting me come with you. The choice is yours.”

There was a brief silence and then a wan smile appeared. “I guess we’re going to Mygeeto.”

_______

They reached the city as dusk was falling. Replacing the hood over her montrals, Ahsoka followed the young woman through winding streets and alleyways. They finally entered a small, well-kept dwelling in the middle of the city.

As Ahsoka stepped into the dimly lit front room, a warning buzz invaded her thoughts. Reacting instinctively, she drew both swords and crouched in a defensive stance.

Her travelling companion was standing next to two darkly cloaked figures. All three had crossbows pointed at her. The young woman said regretfully, “Sorry, but I can’t let you go any further. You might or might not be a spy. Either way, I can’t risk my contact.”

 _Force it all._ Ahsoka didn’t want to harm rebels. Trying to keep things friendly, she chuckled. “Very good. Fulcrum has trained you well. Let me guess, you signaled your compatriots somehow on the way into the city?”

One of the rebels gave a start and a muffled voice said, “You have got to be kidding me.”

Ahsoka froze. “Lux?”

The figure lowered his crossbow, pulling back his hood and grinning engagingly. “You expected Palpatine?”

Happy relief sprang into existence at the grin. His presence brought immediate comfort to her increasingly worried mind. “What are you doing here? Didn’t I leave you in Naboo?”

The man raised surprised eyebrows. “Fulcrum sent me here to organize and train the disparate cells months ago.”

“You think she tells me anything?” Imitating Barriss’ impassive dry voice, Ahsoka intoned, “It’s called compartmentalization.”

He gave her an impressed smile. “Not a bad impression, actually.”

_The smile is brighter. His face is more open. I wonder if Barriss thought he needed a change?_

The young woman from the village was looking between them and shifting nervously, crossbow still trained on Ahsoka.

Lux noticed and lifted a hand. “Put your weapons down. You are threatening the Lady Jedi. She’ll kill us all, before your finger is halfway depressed on the trigger.”

The girl’s mouth dropped open, crossbow drifting to the ground. “Y-you’re the Lady Jedi?”

Ahsoka laughed. “Some people call me that, yes.”

Lux turned to the other rebel. “You can head out, Zatt. Thanks for your help.”

The figure nodded, giving what looked like a curious glance at Ahsoka’s cloaked face, before exiting.

As the door closed, she lowered her hood and strode forward, giving Lux a quick hug.

“Good to know you missed me!” He glanced at the young woman beside him, who still looked a bit shell shocked. “Katooni, how in the world did you manage to run into the Lady Jedi?”

She stared at Ahsoka blankly, until finally blurting out, “She ran into me, really.”

“Katooni, huh?” Ahsoka produced a bright smile, trying to put her at ease. “Good to have a name to go with my new friend’s face.” Then, she turned to Lux. “Fulcrum has been captured. It happened yesterday in Katooni’s village. Have you heard anything? Is she here?” Worry was seeping into her voice, but she didn’t care.

His eyes widened. “I haven’t heard anything about it. But, if it was recent that's unsurprising. We’re meeting our military contact in a bit, so we might be able to find out more. What makes you think she’s here?”

Katooni put in, “The soldiers who came to the village were based out of Mygeeto. It’s just a guess.”

Lux seemed to contemplate and then met Ahsoka’s eyes. “Don’t worry, we’ll find her. I promise.”

She smiled gratefully. “Thanks. I’m really glad you’re here.”

The man grinned with impish delight. “Wow. This is a day to remember. Do you know how many years I’ve been waiting for that confession?”

Ahsoka glared at him, but the edges of her mouth curved upwards. “Well, don’t let it go to your head, my dear.”

Katooni glanced between them. “I take it you two are old friends?”

Lux snorted. “Something like that.”

_______

Ahsoka waited nervously in the shadows as Lux and Katooni interacted with the cloaked contact. After what seemed like an eternity, the figure crept away. Waiting another minute, the two rejoined her in the overhang of one of the buildings.

Lux pulled back his hood and spoke quickly, “She’s here, in the main compound. They’ve designated her as a high priority detainee and she is scheduled to be transferred to Coruscant two days from now. They’re sending an entire elite company to escort her, apparently. The contact didn’t have anything beyond that.”

 _Well, ambushing the convoy is out._ “What can you tell me about the compound? I need layout and security.”

Katooni started rattling off facts and numbers in quick succession, halting at the blank looks of the other two. “Um, I memorized the layout and details. Plus, the latest intel suggested a reasonable estimation of numbers and rotations when synthesized.”

 _I bet Barriss adores you._ Ahsoka commented, “You, my dear, are quickly becoming my favorite rebel. Lux, you’ll have to step it up.”

The man snorted. “Come on, let’s go to the operations safehouse. We can review everything and figure out a plan.” He suddenly turned to Katooni. “Though, you should head back to the village, now that you have the new intel. I’m sure we can handle sorting through the details.”

The small figure was silent for a moment. Then, she replied with a slight tremor in her voice, “No. I want to stay and help.”

Ahsoka said warmly, “That’s not necessary, Katooni. I appreciate the gesture, but we can handle it.”

“No. I’m not leaving.” She pulled back her hood and met Ahsoka’s eyes with determination. “Fulcrum sacrificed herself for my village, for people she didn’t even know, probably even for the person that sold her to Palpatine. Besides, she is—I don't want anything to happen to her. I’m going to do whatever I can to help.” The tremor had disappeared and her voice sounded strong and clear.

Lux said with clear concern, “It will be ok, Katooni. You really should head—”

“I'm staying,” she interrupted, “you aren’t the boss of me, Lux Bonteri.”

There was a frustrated exhale as the man retorted, “Technically, I am. And, the boss is saying you’re too important to go rushing around on rescue missions!”

“Oh, please. I’m not like the most critical part of the rebellion or anything,” the young woman said dismissively. “In any case, I’m _not_ leaving.”

There was an intake of breath from Lux to continue what Ahsoka could tell would likely be a never-ending argument. She lifted a hand and commented dryly, “Technically, I’m the boss of both of you.”

They went silent and stared at her.

“Now, be quiet for a minute and let me think.” Ahsoka sympathized with Lux. She didn’t want the death of another young and talented person on her hands, either. Plus, there was something especially appealing about this one. The girl was obviously fearful and insecure, yet she pushed forward anyway. It was admirable. Denying her that seemed wrong. She also clearly cared about Barriss. “Alright, Katooni, you can stay.” More for Lux’s benefit, she added, “We may not need you on the actual mission. But, your talents at intel and analysis may come in handy for planning.”

There were two relieved exhales and Ahsoka grinned. _I really am getting good at this stuff._

_______

“Are you sure about this? You’ll be on your own with several squads of soldiers.”

Ahsoka gave a confident nod. “No problem.”

Katooni’s expression fluctuated, as if she wasn’t sure whether the response was bravado or truth.

“Seriously, I’ve been up against more soldiers on my own before. I’ll be fine,” Ahsoka added as she surveyed the compound gates for the twentieth time. _Come on. What’s taking so long?_ They were hidden, awaiting a signal from Lux to begin the infiltration. Ahsoka could finally do something active to quell her anxiety about Barriss and she was well past ready to go.

“I can come with you to… watch your back.”

Halting her repetitive scanning, she glanced at the young woman in concern. Ahsoka definitely did not want Katooni running off to do something brave and noble that might get her killed. “I appreciate the offer, but I can handle it. Please, believe me. If there is one thing I can do well, it is fight. Don’t risk your life unnecessarily.”

There was a resigned sigh. “Alright. If you’re sure. I don’t—the rebellion needs you. Don’t get yourself killed, please.”

Ahsoka grinned. “I don’t plan on it.” Pausing briefly, she continued, “Though, if something goes wrong… will you promise to help Fulcrum as best you can later? She is the mission. I’m counting on you to see it through.” _Hopefully, that will convince her not to run into danger to save me._

Katooni nodded. “You have my word.” Then, she suddenly asked, “Do you love her? Fulcrum, I mean?”

“Yes."

The girl registered surprised at the direct answer. “Well, alright then.”

Ahsoka chuckled as she resumed her observation of the compound. “By the way, I can see why Fulcrum chose you as a critical operative in our communication network. You are very special, Katooni. I hope you realize it.”

There was a disbelieving yet pleased smile. “Uh, thanks.”

“It’s true. Have faith in yourself. I suspect, if you give it a try, you’ll find you can do things you didn’t believe possible.”

Katooni stared at her. “Fulcrum says that.”

“Then, you shouldn’t need to hear it from me,” Ahsoka replied shrewdly. “Fulcrum’s evaluation of people’s skills and capabilities are unparalleled. If she thinks you are amazing, it’s an objective fact.”

The young woman chuckled. “Maybe.”

There was a quick succession of flashes from a front window of the compound and Ahsoka jumped up quickly. Creeping forward, she glanced back. “Don’t forget what I said, amazing girl.”

The last thing Ahsoka saw, before reaching the compound wall, was a bright smile.

_______

Barriss lifted a woozy head at the sound of swords clashing outside of her cell. _Maybe, I’m dreaming?_ Testing the theory, she pulled against the chains suspending her arms above her head and felt resulting shocks of pain. _Maybe not._

Still, it seemed impossible that someone would be rescuing her. She had only been captured two and a half days ago. Communication could not have travelled along their networks this fast. _Perhaps, I lost track of time? No. They haven’t even questioned me._ Her captors had only been softening her up, thus far. Plus, Barriss suspected they would transport her to an interrogation facility first. She couldn’t have been a prisoner for very long.

The cell door flung open and Barriss stared at the figure in front of her. “A-so-a?” Her mouth was thick and swollen and the words wouldn’t come out properly. _How did she get here this fast?_

A worried voice responded, “Yes, it’s me.”

Her arms fell from their suspended state and she heard chains clanging to the ground. Debilitating pain shot through her chest from the beating she’d endured a few hours earlier. Barriss collapsed toward the wall, only to be stopped by strong hands.

Warm lips touched her forehead. “Come on. It’s time to go home, my dear.”

Barriss tried to smile, but it only sent painful throbs through her cracked, swollen lips. Instead, she whispered hoarsely, “-bout time.”

There was a chuckle and the sound of leg chains hitting the floor. Then, arms cradled her body.

 _Ahsoka is here. Everything is going to be alright._ Barriss leaned into the warm chest, letting herself relax into sleep.

_______

Making her way expeditiously out of the cell block, Ahsoka handed Barriss off to Lux and started clearing a path out. As they rounded the corner to the hidden back door, she halted with alarm and jerked back.

At least fifty soldiers were awaiting them, evidently covering the potential exit. _Well, that’s just great._ The rest of the small rebel team was scattered throughout the compound. That left only her, Lux, and an unconscious Barriss to fight their way out. “They’ve trapped us. Ideas?”

He shrugged. “We can try a different exit. However, that means wading through the squads undoubtedly behind us. What are you capable of doing?”

Ahsoka grimaced. “You’re right. This is probably still the best option. I can take them, but I’m not sure I can protect you both at the same time. Not to mention, I need to get the door open and do all of this before the other squads reach us.” She thought furiously. _I need a distraction._

Suddenly, crashing thuds melded with surprised yells. Ahsoka peeked around the wall to see chaos. The double-wide door was now standing open. Rocks were hurtling through it and soldiers were leaping frantically out of harm’s way. _Ok then. That works._ “Stay here, until I give the word.”

Moving with extreme speed, Ahsoka slashed a path to the exit. Soldiers dove for cover, unsure which direction to concentrate. Reaching the door, the woman stood to the side and yelled, “We’re coming out! Stop!” The rocks discontinued their vicious attack.

Ahsoka moved back into the middle of the space, creating a buffer to ensure no one attacked the fleeing man. “Now, time to go!”

Lux ran from cover, gripping Barriss tightly and leaping over downed soldiers in his wake. He didn’t even pause at the door, pelting out of it.

The soldiers pursuing them finally started pouring into the area. Seeing some were equipped with bows, Ahsoka abandoned her own intended exit. Taking a running leap, she placed herself in the middle of the surprised pile.

Quickly disposing of the long range threats, Ahsoka flipped up and over the surrounding soldiers, running out the door. Glancing around desperately for something to block the exit, she grinned. _Katooni, I love you._

She kicked the support from beneath the nearby pile of large rocks and watched them tumble into the doorway. It wouldn’t hold them for long, but it would have to do.

Her work completed, Ahsoka sprinted into the surrounding woods.

_______

Barriss winced as she awoke to jarring movements. _Who’s holding me? Not Ahsoka._ Opening her eyes, she looked up. “Lux?”

A grinning voice replied, “Yep, it’s me. Ahsoka is behind us, don’t worry. I’m sorry for the rough ride. We’re kind of running for our lives at the moment.”

She tried to chuckle, but it came out as a strangled croak.

They slowed and an unexpectedly familiar voice said, “Give her to me and I’ll hand her up to you.”

Barriss felt herself being hefted into waiting arms. Weariness overwhelmed her once more and the last thing she heard was someone urging a horse into a gallop.

_______

The next time Barriss woke up she was laying in front of a fire with gentle hands running a cloth over her arm. Focusing on the person attached to them, she croaked, “Katooni?”

The young woman jerked a head toward Barriss and said tentatively, “Hey, I’m just trying to treat some of your injuries, while we wait for the Lady Jedi. She’s laying a false trail behind us, so it might be a while. I examined your chest, but there was just heavy bruising. So, I’m concentrating on the open wounds for the moment. Is that right?”

Barriss smiled and realized with grateful relief that the action was less painful than at the prison. Healing balm tingled pleasantly on her lips. _Katooni must have treated the swelling._ “It’s perfect, as always.”

There was a bright grin, which quickly turned mischievous. “Plus, Lux was hovering like a nesting convor and I figured you might not appreciate the amount of clothing I’d have to remove to treat anything else.”

“Much appreciated,” Barriss replied wryly. “Where is Lux, anyway?”

“He went to scout the area, after I told him he was driving me crazy. I take it you two know each other well?” The voice pulsated with curiosity.

“Something like that.”

A flash of annoyance crossed the usually sedate face. “Do you all sit around thinking of ways to torment me? Or, is there a super secret list of vague answers to questions everyone learns?”

Barriss gave her an apologetic smile. “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to be mysterious. It’s just a long, involved story. If you want the unsatisfying short version, I can handle that.” She raised a teasing eyebrow.

Katooni grinned. “I’ll take what I can get.”

“Alright, if you insist. He was a deep cover spy for the rebellion, until captured. I was his Fulcrum. The Lady Jedi rescued him, realizing he was an old friend she believed was dead. That brought the three of us together. Oh, I’m also his reputed soulmate, much to the annoyance of the Lady Jedi. And, that’s it.”

There was a blank stare in return and then a rueful smile appeared. “You’re right. That was totally unsatisfying. No, it was worse. It was just enough to give me more questions without answers. Thanks for that.”

Barriss chuckled. “I tried to warn you.”

“True,” Katooni replied, “I should be more careful what I ask for, I suppose.” Her face suddenly turned suspicious. “Wait. This was a ploy to teach me some lesson about controlling my curiosity or something, wasn’t it?”

Rolling her eyes, Barriss commented, “You think everything I say is a lesson. I was simply answering your question.”

“Well, if you weren’t so vague and mysterious all the time, it wouldn’t be an issue,” Katooni said impishly.

“Oh, I see,” she replied in wry amusement, “it's my fault you read double meanings into everything?”

“Exactly. Who do you think taught me how to do it?”

Barriss couldn’t help a small grin. “I guess my work here is done, then. I’m so proud.” _I am proud._ Katooni seemed more confident and assured than usual. The playful banter also spoke to comfort, despite being out of her element. _I don’t know what’s brought this on, but let’s keep it up, my dear._

There was a brief smile in response, but then Katooni finished wrapping a bandage around Barriss’ wrist with an odd expression.

“What is it?” Barriss asked in concern.

“I don’t know. It’s strange. You don’t look anything like I imagined. Yet, somehow you seem exactly as you should.”

“Oh. Um, thanks. I think.” _Where is she going with this?_

“I suppose I’m just happy to see your face,” she added softly.

Barriss gazed at her for a moment and then lifted the now bandaged hand to the girl’s cheek, brushing fingers over it. “So am I. Actually, I was sorely tempted to reveal myself more than once. I was worried it might endanger you, though.”

“You were?” The young woman stared in confusion. “I don’t understand. I thought it was to protect your identity, so you could do your job. Isn’t that what you always say? It doesn’t matter how much you trust someone, never give them more than they need.”

 _I taught her too well._ Sighing heavily, Barriss nodded. “That’s still good advice, but there are always exceptions. I wanted to make one for you. However, it should be based on necessity, not your own desires. Being able to describe Fulcrum makes you a potential target. A small risk, granted, but it was enough to keep me hidden.”

“Why would you want—I mean, why me?” The voice was hesitant, but hopeful.

 _She doesn’t realize I care about her. Good job, Barriss. You’re the perfect Fulcrum._ Gripping Katooni’s chin, she met her eyes. “Because, you’re special and I wanted you to know the real me. But, putting you in danger, only to satisfy my own wishes, would have been selfish.”

There was a quiet reply, “I would have been ok risking it.”

Barriss smiled fondly at her. “I know. But, I wasn’t ok with risking you.” Raising an impish eyebrow, she continued, “I suppose we should thank Palpatine for finally making it happen.”

“Uh, no.” The young woman snorted. “Though, I have to say, getting to finally see your mysterious mentor’s face _and_ meeting the Lady Jedi in a two day period is quite an accomplishment. I think I’ve hit my peak.”

“Oh, we definitely need to raise your standards,” she remarked dryly. Feeling a small ache in her back, Barriss attempted a careful shift. Pleased that the action was manageable, the woman stretched her limbs happily. Then, she let out a sharp gasp as pain stabbed up her left arm.

Quickly moving to Barriss’ other side, Katooni examined the wrist. Her expression hardened. “Don’t move. I think there’s a small piece of metal, probably from the chains. It looks like it’s worked itself deeply into the wound.” Her bottom lip trembled. “I must have missed it in my initial examination.”

Trying to smile through the radiating burning in her wrist, Barriss said encouragingly, “It’s ok. That’s an easy thing to miss. If I hadn’t been feeling so much better under your expert care, I wouldn’t have been moving around. I did it to myself.”

The girl shook her head, eyes dropping in shame. “I should have caught it.” She retrieved an extraction tool from the healing kit. “This is going to hurt. I’m so sorry.”

Barriss saw the confidence fading in front of her. _No. I won’t let it._ Summoning every ounce of strength, she spoke firmly, “Katooni. It’s happened to me before, as well. Don’t dwell on the mistake or you will compound it. Fix it and move on. Have faith in your abilities. Because, believe me, they are extensive.”

Dragging eyes back to Barriss, Katooni gazed at her for a moment. Then, she straightened her shoulders and nodded with determination. “Don’t worry. I’ll fix this. I promise.”

“I know you will.”

_______

Holding back a groan, Barriss kept her eyes shut. Finally, her breathing regulated and the intense pain started to subside. She rasped, “You did good.”

There was a long silence and then a quiet, “Thanks.”

After a few moments, Barriss opened her eyes to see Katooni working on her wrist with a determined expression. “See? Not the end of the world. Everything is fine.”

There was a small smile as the ministrations to her wound continued unabated.

Snorting from a horse sounded nearby and Lux came into view, leaning over her with a grin. “About time you woke up. You’d think all I do is wait around for my soulmates to grace me with their presence.”

Barriss gave a chuckle that sounded a bit like a dying mynock. “I thought I was worth waiting for? Shouldn’t you be anxiously doing my every bidding right now?”

The man laughed and then planted a kiss on her forehead. “Hmm… I’m beginning to suspect this whole getting captured thing was a ploy to ensure you are treated like a goddess for the next several days.”

She tried a small grin. “Oh no, you’ve discovered my dastardly plot. I often get captured by soldiers for that express purpose. Don’t tell Ahsoka.”

Katooni, clearly listening to every word, lifted her head from Barriss’ wrist. “Who?”

Lux grimaced. “She means the Lady Jedi.”

Aqua eyes lit up with excitement. “Well, now I feel really special.”

“Oh,” Barriss said weakly as another stab of pain shot up her arm, “I’m not in top spymaster form, am I?” Though, it didn’t really matter. They didn’t broadcast Ahsoka’s name, but it wasn’t a closely guarded secret, either—mostly because Ahsoka hated assuming false identities.

Lux laughed. “Not to worry. We’ll get you ship-shape in no time. You can go back to being elegantly mysterious at your leisure. In any case, Ahsoka should be here soon. The plan included her leading any potential pursuers on a merry, circuitous chase, before heading to the rendezvous. But, don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.”

She snorted and then asked, “How did you find me so quickly?”

“Ahsoka showed up in the village looking for you and Katooni took the initiative. They both ended up here with me. After that, it was just a matter of breaking you out. Easy peasy.” Lux flashed a confident grin.

“Easy, huh?” Barriss responded dryly, “I doubt that. Even with Ahsoka, there must have been hundreds of soldiers in that compound.”

“378, actually,” Katooni said absently as she started bandaging the now treated wrist.

Barriss smiled at her. “You really are amazing. Oh, I forgot to say thank you for rescuing me.”

The hands stopped their work and surprised eyes glanced up. “I didn’t. Ahsoka, Lux, and the other rebels providing a distraction did. I just contributed some intel and held the horses.”

 _You make this so difficult sometimes, my girl._ Barriss gave her an exasperated look. “Tell me, how would I have been saved without that intel? Who provided critical information on deployments and layout to ensure we all made it out alive? You seem to be under the mistaken impression that you aren’t one of the most important people in the entire rebellion.”

Lux shot Katooni a triumphant grin. “See? Now, don’t you think you should be more respectful of my opinions in future?”

There was a glare in response, but Barriss thought there was an odd sort of uncertain pleasure in it.

The man continued, “Not to mention, Ahsoka wouldn’t have even known where to look.”

Katooni shook her head in exasperation. “Meeting her was luck. Anyway, it doesn’t change my point. I’m not the one who risked my life by fighting through 378 soldiers. As I recall, someone didn’t even want me to be here at all!”

Looking at Barriss with a bemused expression, Lux commented, “Did you know this one here refused to leave until you were rescued? Despite my consistent advice to the contrary?”

There was a teasing grin from the young woman bandaging her wrist. “Well, it was bad advice.”

The man put a hand to his chest in wounded pride. “You see how she treats me?!”

Barriss smiled impishly. “Well, she is my prize pupil, you know.”

Lux laughed. “Tell me about it! If the logistical brilliance didn't give it away, the intense determination to drive me crazy would have clued me in.”

Katooni rolled her eyes, but there was a brightness in them. “You two are really overdoing it here.”

“Not possible,” Lux replied with sudden seriousness.

The young woman stared at him for a moment and then glanced at Barriss. “So, how do you two know each other again? Soulmates, huh?”

Barriss grinned shrewdly. “You can get that story out of Lux.”

“Well,” the man said with an innocent air, “I don't know if I feel very cooperative today after how I've been treated. Maybe, if you're really nice to me for a year or something. Oh, by the way, ordering me to go scouting because you can't ‘deal with me anymore’ does not qualify.”

Katooni opened a mouth to respond, when sudden skidding of a horse’s hooves echoed across the camp.

Ahsoka sprinted into view. Spotting Barriss, she rushed over and knelt next to her with relief. “So, that went well.”

Barriss grinned and lifted a hand to Ahsoka’s cheek. “Yep, just like we planned it. Next time, though, let’s skip the whole I get captured and imprisoned thing. I really hate that.”

The woman laughed and kissed Barriss’ forehead. Then, she surveyed the injuries. “I see someone has already been tending to you.” She glanced at Katooni with gratitude.

“Well, I’m not an expert,” the young woman replied awkwardly, likely thinking of her previous mistake.

“Hmm… I doubt that. I suspect you’re better than you think. Actually,” the woman added, glancing at the treated wounds, “I can see it for myself.”

There was a bright grin from Katooni in return.

Pleased warmth filled Barriss at the interaction. Ahsoka always seemed to sense the people who needed her unconditional faith. _Gods, I love her._

“Speaking of,” Ahsoka continued, eyeing Katooni, “tell me how rocks magically started flying in the exit?”

A guilty smile crept onto the young woman’s face. “Well, I saw them securing it and figured you might run into issues. I know you told me not to, but I wasn’t technically fighting.”

Ahsoka laughed, before saying, “We were trapped. Without you, we might not have made it out. So, feel free to ‘not fight’ anytime.”

Barriss released an exaggerated sigh. “And, she tried to tell me she didn’t save me.”

Katooni glanced between them with a shy expression. “Whatever.”

_______

Barriss sat up in the bed, testing the limits of her muscles. _Excellent._ Shifting legs over the side, she carefully stood, gripping the nearby chair with her less injured hand for support.

“Um, what are you doing?”

Twisting her head, she saw a stern Katooni in the doorway. “Getting up, obviously,” Barriss replied dryly.

“Nope.” The girl walked forward and gripped her arms. “I promised Ahsoka you wouldn’t move from this bed in her absence. You don’t want to make a liar out of me, do you?”

Barriss grimaced, but let herself be placed back on the bed. “She’s so overprotective. I’m fine.”

The young woman pulled the blanket back over her, before sitting on the edge of the bed. “Maybe so. But, there’s nothing for you to do at the moment. You might as well rest. It can’t hurt you and it will certainly make Ahsoka happy. Sounds like a win-win to me. Isn’t that your favorite kind of solution?”

Looking at the girl in amusement, Barriss remarked, “It’s amazingly annoying when this happens.”

Katooni raised a confused eyebrow. “When what happens?”

“When your own words come back to haunt you.”

There was a brief grin. “I can’t help it if you did too good of a job imparting wisdom.”

“No,” Barriss replied softly, “I think I just had too brilliant of a student.”

Tentative, aqua eyes looked back at her. “I don’t know about that. But, I do know you have taught me a lot. Thank you.”

Taking her hand, Barriss met the uncertain gaze. “Katooni, I didn’t choose you randomly. You are special. You were special well before you met me. I wish you would believe it.”

A small tear ran down the young face and she quickly wiped it away. “I’ll try.”

Barriss smiled. “Good. Either way, have faith in yourself. It’s no good having superior abilities, if you’re too afraid to use them.”

“But, how do I know if I can do something or not?”

“You try it. Failing is just as important as succeeding. How else does anyone know what they can do? People make that mistake quite often. They think they know what they can do well. They avoid trying anything else by _deciding_ it’s not for them, not based on some objective assessment of their true capabilities. Meaning, they really have no idea what they can do.”

The girl seemed contemplative. “I’m not sure I understand. Like, I know I’m never going to be a warrior like Ahsoka. Why would I try to—I don't know—master every sword form?”

Barriss snorted. “No one is a warrior like Ahsoka. That’s not what I’m talking about. You don’t have to be Ahsoka to become a master of the sword. You don’t even have to be in the top 10%, my dear. The point is you’ve never truly tried to master the sword, so how do you know if you can do it? You’ve practiced, sure. But, you’ve never really thought you would succeed at it, have you?”

Her eyes dropped to the ground. “I guess not.”

“That is why you fail. You assume you will.”

The gaze drifted back up to Barriss. “I think I understand.”

 _Do you?_ Barriss had noticed that the girl had immediately chosen an example far removed from her everyday life. _I wonder._ “That applies to everything, you know. Mastering the sword or even things that seem totally different, like making friends.”

Katooni’s expression fluctuated. “I’m not very good at making friends.”

 _As I thought._ “What did I just say about deciding you’re not good at something?”

There was a sigh, but not other response.

“Alright,” Barriss continued, trying not to let her exasperation show, “let’s try this. There is an old Jedi proverb, ‘Do or do not. There is no try.’ Do you understand what it means?”

That got a small grin. “I hate that one. It makes no sense.”

“I used to think the same thing,” Barriss agreed, “but, it actually does in a roundabout way. I’ve said you have to try something to know if you can do it. But, trying without faith in achieving it is pointless. Does that make sense?”

“In other words, trying without believing you can accomplish it means you never will? Or something like that?”

Barriss smiled. “Yes, exactly. Some things might take longer than others and you might not always succeed, but it doesn’t really matter. It’s just saying either do something with the intent to succeed or don’t waste your time doing it at all.”

There was a nod. “Ok, I’ll keep it in mind.”

“Excellent. Now that we’re on the same page, let’s get back to this friend thing. Would you like to change your answer?”

Katooni ducked her head. “Ok, fine. I suppose I’ve never really tried. At least, not the way you’re talking about.” Then, she asked hesitantly, “What if you don’t know how to do something? I can try and believe. But, if I’m doing it wrong, it won’t work, right?”

Barriss quirked an eyebrow in surprise. _Interesting. I wonder what we're really talking about now._ “Possibly, but not usually. Trying and failing is a good way to learn how to do something. You just have to pay attention to your mistakes, so you can fix them. That’s where the faith comes in to keep going. However, you can also ask people who do know for help and speed up the process.”

The young woman seemed to contemplate and then nodded. “Makes sense.”

“Good. Well, that was a deep conversation. I’m not sure how we got here.”

Katooni laughed. “Me neither. That seems to happen a lot with you. Do you ever just do small talk?”

Barriss retorted, “I’ll have you know, I can talk about nothing like an expert!”

“Uh huh.” There was an extremely dubious expression. “Perhaps, you should _try_ it sometime. A very wise person once told me that you’ll never know if you can master something, if you don’t try.”

“Oh, very good, my clever girl,” Barriss replied with amusement. “However, I’m afraid that’s not going to work. Here is my final lesson of the day. Anything that is completely and utterly meaningless does not have to be tried in the first place.”

Katooni stared at her for a moment, before breaking into overwhelming laughter.

“What’s so funny?” Barriss asked innocently. “That was an important lesson. Here I am, trying to impart wisdom, and this is what I get!”

That only resulted in increased, higher pitched laughing from the girl, who was now shaking the entire bed.

Not able to hold back her own, Barriss joined her.  
_______

Creeping into the safehouse, Ahsoka dropped the tea leaves she'd bought for Barriss in the kitchen and then headed straight to the backroom. She halted at the door and stared. Katooni and Barriss were laughing near hysterically on the bed. “Um, ok. I leave for a few hours and you both go over the edge.”

Heads twisted in her direction with duplicate expressions of badly contained mirth.

Ahsoka fixed them with an overly impatient glare and tapped her foot dramatically. “Are you both quite finished?”

That resulted in the laughter restarting. Barriss unable to stop laughing was a rare sight and one Ahsoka was fairly sure she could watch indefinitely. _Gods, how I love her._ She leaned against the doorway and took it in with delight. “I can see I was desperately missed.”

After at least another two minutes, Barriss seemed to finally regain control and commented, “Well, someone left orders I was to be treated like an invalid in her absence. I demanded Katooni keep me company in my forced incarceration.”

Ahsoka grinned engagingly and glanced at the young woman sitting on the bed. “Good to know someone listens to my orders.”

Katooni had also reigned in her laughter and produced a shrewd expression. “It wasn’t easy. I think I should get a special reward for my incredible dedication.”

Ahsoka chuckled. “Is that right? And what do you demand, my dear?”

Her eyes shifted around the room. “Um, maybe, a few lessons? With the sword, I mean? Well, maybe more than a few?”

Eyes widening in surprise, Ahsoka gazed at her for a moment and then replied earnestly, “I’d have done that for free. I always enjoy teaching promising students.”

The aqua eyes lit up with delight.

Ahsoka quickly added, “But, you have to promise to be committed. It takes a good deal of practice, but also faith in achieving your goals. Just teaching you some pointers won’t work. It will make you just good enough to be a hazard to yourself.”

Katooni stared. “I’m beginning to think this is a conspiracy.” She looked at Barriss. “Do you two plan these things?”

The woman raised an impish eyebrow. “Apparently, we both just recognize specialness when we see it.”

Ahsoka glanced between them in confusion. “Um, am I supposed to understand what you’re talking about?”

“Nope,” Barriss replied airily, “now about me not getting out of bed…”

_______

“So, how many new friends have you made in my absence?”

Lux rolled his eyes. “Uh, you were just here a couple of months ago.”

“What’s your point?” Barriss smirked.

He grinned. “Sorry, between saving the world, organizing a city-wide rebellion, and rescuing my soulmate, it’s been a hectic few weeks. I’ll get back on it next month.”

“Tsk, tsk, my dear. Time is ticking away, you know.”

Raising amused eyebrows, Lux replied, “Look who’s talking! How many new friends have you made since I last saw you?”

She flashed a guilty grin. “Fine, point taken. I just want to make sure you are… ok.”

Shifting forward in his chair by the bed, he took her hand. “Thanks. I am. I promise.”

Gripping his hand tightly, she smiled. “Good. Now, what about the other mission I assigned you? I don’t see you rushing me out the door yet?”

Lux’s face turned awkward and his eyes fixed above her head. “Uh, nothing to report.”

Barriss quirked an eyebrow. “Well, that is the most promising response I’ve gotten yet.”

His eyes darted back to hers and then a wry smile formed. “I wish you wouldn’t do that.”

“Do what?” she asked with a straight face.

“You know what,” he deadpanned. “Anyway, I’ll let you know when I have something to report. If I ever do.”

Reaching a hand to his cheek, Barriss ran gentle fingers over it. “Oh, I think you will. But, it will take time. Dogged perseverance and supportive faith will be necessary.”

Lux gazed at her for a long moment and then a charming grin formed. “That is my specialty.”

_______

“I think it might be time for Fulcrum to die.” Barriss glanced up from the parchments she had been reading and carefully uncrossed her legs, gingerly stretching them across the bed.

Ahsoka readjusted her own position in the bed, sitting back against the wall. She wrapped arms around Barriss’ stomach and rested her chin on the woman’s shoulder. “What do you mean?”

“The persona has become too public. It’s getting to the point where random villagers can alert Palpatine to my presence. It was useful in the early days to keep everything separate. Now, I’m wondering if it has outlived that purpose.”

“Hmm… perhaps. But, we still need contacts and someone to manage the network. Are you saying we should change the name?”

Leaning back onto Ahsoka’s chest, she replied, “Maybe. But, mostly, I mean that me being Fulcrum should end.”

“Well,” Ahsoka said in surprise, “I didn’t think I’d ever hear that.”

Barriss tilted her head up with a wan smile. “Now, you get to say you’ve been telling me this for ages.”

There was a snort. “I wasn’t going to say it. But, since you did… I _have_ been telling you this for ages. You’re too important to the rebellion to be wandering exposed from kingdom to kingdom.”

“Important to the rebellion?” Barriss asked shrewdly.

Flashing a guilty grin, Ahsoka said, “Ok, important to me too. Still, my point is valid. We have other Fulcrums. You don’t have to do it anymore.”

“I never disagreed with that, but I enjoy doing it. It gives me good insight into what is happening on the ground. Plus, there are people I can… help.”

“Like Katooni, you mean. You don’t want to lose the ones you’ve mentored.”

Barriss gazed up at her. “I suppose so. I wasn’t in the village a day, though, before they came for me. I guess I’m afraid I’m doing more harm than good now. Innocent villagers could have suffered. And, if Katooni had died rescuing me…”

Warm arms tightened around her and Ahsoka kissed the top of her head. “I wouldn’t have let that happen. Still, my original point stands. What if I hadn’t come looking for you? It was luck. I happened to finish my mission early and decided to take a detour. You could have made it to Coruscant. Do you know how much knowledge is in your head?” Ahsoka’s voice trembled, but she was clearly struggling to remain objective.

Rotating her head upward completely, Barriss grinned. “I think I’m having a bad influence on you. You’re starting to become logical or something.”

The woman cried in mock horror, “No need to be insulting!”

Laughing, Barriss stroked Ahsoka’s face. “So sorry. I’ll be sure in future to never compliment you on your reasoning abilities.”

“Better,” was the amused reply. Warm lips trailed down her cheek. “Mmm… I think we should continue this discussion tomorrow.”

Lifting a teasing eyebrow, she shifted completely in Ahsoka’s arms. “Maybe, I should call you logical more often.”

“Don’t even think about it! In fact, I’ll make sure that doesn’t happen—right now, actually.” She pressed an intense mouth against Barriss’.

Smiling through the kiss, Barriss wrapped her arms around Ahsoka’s neck with a happy sigh.

_______

“Fulcrum!”

Barriss flipped around from packing her bag to see Katooni running into the room. _I should really tell her my name. If Fulcrum is going to die, it might as well start now._

“I heard you were leaving?” The voice was calm, but anxiety permeated the intense eyes.

“Yes, but I wouldn’t have left without saying goodbye. In any case, it’s time for me to get back to work.”

“Oh,” was the quiet response.

Moving across the room, Barriss placed hands on Katooni’s shoulders. “I need to check on the other contacts I’ve neglected for the past two weeks. Not to mention, I have quite a few logistical tasks I can only take care of from another location. I’m sorry. I know we probably won’t see each other on a regular basis anymore, since I can’t return to your village. Another agent will be assigned. But, I’ll be around.”

The face turned impassive. “I understand.”

Brushing fingers over Katooni’s cheek, Barriss smiled affectionately. “You’ll see me again soon. I promise. I never let go of people I care about.”

Arms slid around her. “You better not.”

Barriss smiled and returned the embrace. “Oh, while we’re on the topic. You can stop calling me Fulcrum now.” She leaned back and said intently, “My real name is Barriss. I’d rather you use that.”

Katooni stared at her in disbelief and then tears spilled over her cheeks. “Ok… Barriss.”

 _Fulcrum may be ending, but that doesn’t mean Barriss Offee is._ Wrapping her in another hug, Barriss said softly, “Now, go out and conquer the world, my amazing girl.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story wasn't intended to be anything deep and meaningful. I was interested in writing something set just prior to what I consider a turning point in WIAB (Ahsoka's confrontation with Anakin). I wanted to explore the last vestiges of A/B's old life, i.e. still living relatively on their own, having established an organization structure, but pre-extensive family to protect... Everything sort of heading toward a tipping point and ready to settle into it's later form. 
> 
> I ended up with an everyday tale that shows Barriss and Ahsoka's ongoing development as leaders, hints at established operations, suggests the increasing danger/seriousness of their situation, etc. By this time, they also would have mentored quite a bit of new talent. Katooni seemed to be a good choice for that and it's always nice to introduce familiar characters into my ever-growing universe. Continuing Lux's story was a nice bonus. In the end, this one resonated to me as a basic illustration of the growing legacy of our OTP couple on their world. 
> 
> Anyhow, it is a just for fun addition to events! Hopefully, you got some sort of enjoyment out of it. :-/


	19. Faceless Victims

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barriss confronts a victim of her past mistakes. Ahsoka works through her own feelings on the subject. We meet a new, yet familiar, face.
> 
> This is a brand new story. It is set around chapter 21 of WIAB, my favorite time period for Ahsoka/Barriss angst.  
> [AKA - we love each other, but can only tell everyone except each other this fact.]
> 
> *Spoiler Warning for WIAB*

Barriss pulled back her hood and met the appraising eyes. “Is there a reason you are preventing me from entering the village?”

The teal blue lekku twitched. “I’m trying to decide whether to kill you.”

“I see.” Ignoring the sword pointed at her, Barriss assessed the rutian Twi’lek. The woman was a few years older than herself, but couldn’t be over thirty. She wore a practical ensemble of brown leather, the harness top stopping at her midriff to reveal a lean, well-muscled abdomen. Her sword posture signaled perfected form, but was also graceful and lithe. Intelligent hazel eyes scanned Barriss’ face, but seemed frustrated at the results. _Confident. Beautiful. Skilled. Conflicted._ Those were the words that came to mind. Pursing lips, Barriss asked, “Why are you doing this?”

A bitter smile appeared. “Why are you?”

“Well, I’m here to provide aid after the recent attack by Palpatine’s hit squads. Hence, my question to you.”

Her expression turned sardonic. “You’ll forgive me if I doubt your intentions.”

Quirking an eyebrow, Barriss remarked, “Interesting. Why would you?”

The woman considered a moment. “You are Barriss Offee, the infamous spymaster, are you not? Or, was I misinformed?”

“You were not and I am.”

Sword firming in her grip, a carefully controlled voice said, “In that case, you should know why.”

Barriss was taken aback at the restrained anger in her gaze. “Actually, I have no idea. Clearly, it’s something you find problematic.”

Her eyes narrowed. “Cardota.”

She flinched. “Oh.” Her mind spun into terrible memories. Burning fire and flashing death melded with the feeling of utter failure. Putting a hand to her forehead, she tried to bring the emotions under control. Recovering some equilibrium, Barriss returned attention to the threat in front of her. “I see. Did you lose someone there?”

The woman stared with an unreadable expression. “Yes.”

“And, you blame me,” she stated.

“Shouldn’t I? Or, are you saying you didn’t bomb a barracks, killing everyone inside of it,” her voice faltered, before she bit out, “including my brother?”

Barriss froze and her body began trembling. The limited control she’d regained vanished. A conversation from what felt like another life blazed into visceral realness.

_“They were soldiers. Soldiers who pledged their lives for the protection of the kingdom. And, that’s how they died. They would have died anyway, when it happened.”_

_“That sounds like a rationalization,” Ahsoka replied, eyes flashing, “the ends justify the means. I wonder if their families would agree with your logic?”_

Doubling over in paralyzing pain, she struggled to lift miserable eyes to the unknown woman. “I’m so sorry. If you kill me, I understand.” Then, Barriss Offee saw only blackness.

_______

Ahsoka rode through the forests of Onderon at a pace Barriss would call reckless. It had been two weeks since she’d seen her friend and the eager anticipation was spurring her onward. _Gods, I miss you._

The closer she got to the village, the more her mind pictured what was to come. At that moment, Ahsoka was running fingers through smooth, coal-black hair, a mesmerizing face laying on her chest. Then, the images began to morph into longing as she kissed the soft lips from her dreams. _Please, Barriss. Let me make that a reality one day._

Her fingers were roaming across delicate skin in perfect happiness, when she skidded to a halt. Insistent buzzing flooded her mind. _No._ Ahsoka kicked into an even more frantic gallop. Trees whipped by at an alarming rate as hyper-focused intensity replaced everything else. _I’m coming, Barriss._

_______

Barriss rolled her head up with a light moan. She attempted to massage her throbbing temple, but nothing happened. Glancing around, she realized why. _I’m tied to a tree._ Memories flooded back. _Oh._

“So, you’ve decided to come out of your induced fit at long last,” said a lackadaisical voice.

Looking left, she saw the Twi'lek woman sitting on a nearby log, sword expertly twirling in an elegant hand. “What?”

Her captor halted the spinning metal, planting the blade into the forest floor. “I suppose you thought playing the part of the remorseful, tortured spy would cause me to change my mind about killing you.”

Barriss stared. “You think I made myself pass out to get sympathy?” She couldn’t help a snort. “That is the stupidest strategy I’ve ever heard.”

The hazel irises zoomed to a pinpoint.

Shaking a pounding head, she continued, “Why would I leave myself at your mercy?” Barriss casually adjusted her body into a workable position. Then, she began coiling muscles with deliberate rhythm, slowly loosening the well-tied rope.

“You _are_ a master spy. I’m sure you read me and knew I was unsure about killing you. Perhaps, you even suspected I was unlikely to attack an unarmed combatant. Acting remorseful and being defenseless is a viable strategy.”

Barriss raised an eyebrow. “There may be those who would choose that type of approach, but I am _not_ one of them. Surrender or retreat to fight another day, possibly. Leave myself at the mercy of someone else’s erratic emotions? Never. It also assumes the situation was desperate enough for an all or nothing measure. Also, incorrect. I could have killed you from the moment you first blocked my path.”

Her lip twisted, changing the beautiful face into something ugly. “Is that right? I can’t wait to hear why you didn’t.”

“Violence should always be a last resort,” Barriss replied softly.

She leapt to her feet, expression snapping with finally released anger. “The woman who slaughtered ten innocent soldiers is now lecturing me on violence. I suppose we can add hypocrite to your title of murderer.” A sword flew up to Barriss’ throat.

She met the furious gaze. “Actually, it’s not hypocritical, then or now. It was a choice I never should have made, yes. It also ended up being an ineffective strategy. But, that doesn’t change why I did it. I thought it was a last resort to save an entire city.” Pain flowing through her entire being, she whispered, “I was wrong.”

The sword wavered, but didn’t retract. “That doesn’t make it better. My brother is still dead, isn’t he?”

“I know.” Barriss lowered her chin to rest on the blade. “If my death will bring you some peace, I release you from any guilt in taking my life. I have only one request, if you would be willing to grant it.”

“Oh, do you? What is this supposed last request?”

“I have a friend. Will you send her a message, so she knows what happened to me? Otherwise, she might never move on. Make up a story. Don’t let her know you killed me for your own safety. Say I died happy and my last thoughts were of her. Tell her I said—” Barriss considered for a moment. “She made my life worth living, for her to keep shining, and that I…” squeezing eyes shut, she ended quietly, “... loved her always.”

There was a long silence. “Where is she? What’s her name?”

“She’ll be heading to the village soon, if she’s not there already. Her name is Ahsoka Tano.”

The sword jerked, nicking Barriss’ skin. “You’re lying.”

She looked up at the disbelieving face. “What? Why do you think that?”

Her mouth opened to respond, when there was a sudden clattering of hooves and a figure came flying out of the trees. Before Barriss knew what was happening, Ahsoka had sent her captor sailing across the clearing.

The Twi’lek jumped up and swung around, blood pouring from a fresh wound to her upper chest, but prepared to defend herself.

Fury blazed as Ahsoka’s body coiled to deliver a death strike.

Performing a final flexing maneuver, Barriss slid out of her bonds and leapt between them. “Stop! Ahsoka, don’t!”

Hazel eyes widened. “You weren’t lying.”

Ahsoka’s face remained taut with rage. “Barriss, get out of the way. Now.”

“No!” She moved closer, placing a hand on Ahsoka’s sword. “Please, _listen_ to me. I’m alright.”

“You’re bleeding! She was about to kill you!”

Wrapping fingers around her friend’s arm, Barriss guided it down. “I told her she could. It’s not her fault. It’s mine.”

Ahsoka’s gaze darted to hers, fury turning into fear. “You told her she could? What are you talking about?!”

“I’ll explain later. Let me treat her wound, first.”

A hollow laugh echoed across the clearing and they spun around to see the Twi’lek braced against a tree. “You want to treat the woman who was going to kill you? I understand now. It isn’t that you were lying. I simply neglected to account for Barriss Offee having a serious martyr complex.” She slid to the ground, gripping her chest.

Barriss began to move, but a firm hand held her in place. “Ahsoka, I need—”

“No.” Her friend fixed a determined expression. “You wait.” She strode across the clearing, picking up the discarded sword and checking the injured woman for weapons. Finding a dagger in her boot, she plucked it out.

A curious face followed the movements, but didn’t attempt to stop her. “Are you really Ahsoka Tano?”

Ahsoka’s head flipped up in surprise. “Um, yeah. What’s it to you?”

Barriss knelt down next to them and started examining the injury, ignoring Ahsoka’s growl. “Don’t even bother. I need to stop the bleeding. If you want to speed up the process, find my satchel with the healing supplies. It’s probably near the village road.”

An uncomfortable silence reigned, until the Twi’lek commented wryly, “Would you like some privacy to argue about whether I’m going to try to kill anyone? I can always pretend to pass out.”

Barriss snorted, but halted her work and placed a hand on Ahsoka’s cheek. “Please, trust me. It’s going to be alright. I promise.”

Fierce blue eyes softened and there was a long exhale. Taking the hand from her face, Ahsoka brushed lips across it. “I’ll find your healer’s kit. Hold on.” Throwing one last threatening glare at the injured woman, she strode off.

Cutting off a piece of her cloak, Barriss pressed it against the wound. “Fortunately, the strike didn’t hit any vital organs. I’m impressed. Ahsoka doesn’t miss, which means you must have extremely quick reflexes and partially deflected it. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here to talk about it.”

Hazel eyes gazed at her for a moment and then a wry grin formed. “Not quick enough, apparently.” The grin dropped and she asked, “I’m right, aren’t I? You were going to let me kill you, when you could have escaped. The mercy mission to the village was the truth, as well. Barriss Offee is trying to make up for her past and will die doing it, if necessary.”

She winced. “Possibly.” Barriss stared at the tree behind the woman’s head as she held the makeshift bandage in place. “It doesn’t really help, though. Even dying wouldn’t.”

A soft voice said, “Killing you wouldn’t help me, either. I always knew that.”

Glancing back down, Barriss pursed her lips. “Then, why did you even track me down?”

There was a rueful smile. “It was luck—good or bad I can’t say. A trader mentioned seeing the rare sight of a Mirialan woman, who had unusual diamond tattoos. I doubt many know that describes Barriss Offee, but I do. Given a little monetary persuasion, he confirmed other details and that you were on the road to the village. I’m not sure why I decided to come after you. Perhaps, I thought confronting you might help, one way or the other. But, you were neither evil nor innocent,” eyelids closing, she ended hoarsely, “so it didn’t help at all.”

Blinking rapidly, Barriss choked out, “I am so sorry. I wish I could go back and strangle the scared girl who thought she was doing the right thing, but I can’t. And, there’s nothing I can do about it.” Her cheeks flooded with wet tears. She removed a trembling hand from the wound to wipe them away, leaving streaks of blood on her own skin.

Conflicted eyes came back into view and gazed at her. “I suppose not. Somehow, I thought you being remorseful would make me feel better, even restore something inside of me. Yet, it doesn’t. Strange.”

“What would? If it’s in my power to restore, I’ll do it.”

The woman sighed. “I’m sure you would.” Her expression floated away. “I wish I could tell you. There’s nothing left. It’s all lost.”

“No other family?” There had been a brief flash of hope that she could make amends somehow, but Barriss already knew the answer before it came.

“There used to be,” she replied vacantly. “We were a happy family, despite circumstances. Our parents died during the Candorian Plague, leaving my brother, sister, and I to fend for ourselves. As the oldest, Chey tried to take care of us all. So, he joined the army at fifteen.”

_And, I killed him. You are a monster._

The woman continued, “My sister, Uula, followed in his footsteps. She died defending Cardota on that terrible day.” Her gaze abruptly refocused on Barriss. “Chey had a daughter, you know.”

Turmoil swirled in increasing intensity, but Barriss resisted another automatic apology. There was no point. It was all meaningless, now. She remained silent, staring at her bloody hands in despair.

“After you killed my brother, Uula and I were determined to carry on for our niece. That’s why I survived, actually. I was away from the city, trying to earn some extra funds, when the attack came. We were—” her voice broke, “s-saving for her future.” The eyes filled with distant pain. “E’la had gotten accepted to a local academy for gifted students, but it was expensive. She was our bright and shining light. For her, all three of us would have given up anything. We were determined her life would be better than ours.”

Desperately maintaining the pressure on the bleeding chest, Barriss repeatedly swallowed the painful lump in her throat, but it wouldn’t dissipate. “Did E’la…”

The woman gazed back in blank misery. “You already know the answer. I couldn’t even recover her body from what remained of our small home. There was nothing but… ashes.”

Her mind tipped over the edge and whirled into a tumult of fiery destruction. “Why do I always fail?” Hands dropping, Barriss slumped to the ground, unable to keep going any longer. _It’s all pointless._

Strong arms picked her up. Trying to focus through visions of death, she could just make out fierce blue eyes, before darkness came once more.

_______

Evaluative eyes roved over her in silence, until a matter-of-fact voice stated, “I know who you are, Ahsoka Tano—celebrated princess warrior of Shili and commander of the acclaimed 501st battalion. Or, if you prefer the fanciful term of the masses, the Lady Jedi.”

Glancing up from her efforts, Ahsoka shook a sad head. “That’s not who I am, anymore.”

The Twi’lek gazed at her. “I suppose that’s true. None of us are who we used to be.” She added wanly, “My brother was on a joint campaign with you once. He waxed quite poetic on your beauty and prowess for months, after he returned.”

Ahsoka held back a wince. “Really? What campaign? Would I remember him?”

“I highly doubt it. He was just a common soldier. One of many in the company from Cardota. I don’t remember the campaign name, but it was two years before… everything.”

There was no need to ask what everything was. Producing a warm smile, she said, “Ah, the Utapau Skirmishes. I usually made an effort to meet the soldiers I was mobilizing. However, you’re right that I may not remember him specifically at this point. Chey, right? Did he have a family name?”

Her eyebrows rose. “You overheard our conversation.”

Giving a short nod, Ahsoka wound a bandage around the now cleaned wound. “Most of it.”

The woman seemed to hesitate and then said, “Secura. His family name was Secura.”

She jerked her head up. “Sgt. Secura?”

Her thick, full lips parted. “You do remember him.”

Ahsoka clenched her jaw. _Oh Gods, I wish I didn’t._ “Yes. He… made me laugh.”

Hazel eyes misted over. “Me too.”

Tying off the bandage, Ahsoka pushed the turmoil away. “There. That will have to do. I think it should hold, until you can get checked by a proper healer.”

“Well, I guess thanks for fixing the wound you inflicted?”

Ahsoka eyed her. “You’re lucky it was fixable.”

The woman snorted. “Your friend said much the same thing. I’m not accustomed to losing. However, being beaten by potentially the greatest warrior on the planet brings some small consolation.” She flashed a wry grin, before adding in a more serious tone, “I want you to know that I wasn’t really going to kill her. At least, I don’t think I was.”

Letting out a weary exhale, Ahsoka began to pack away the healing supplies. “It doesn’t matter now, does it?”

“Suppose not.” She paused and then asked, “How did you survive the destruction of your kingdom?”

“The same way you survived yours,” Ahsoka answered flatly. “I wasn’t there.”

“Ah.” There was silence for a few moments. “Why are you with her?”

Ahsoka’s gaze darted over to where Barriss was laid out on a bedroll and then back to the Twi’lek. “I’m not sure I understand what you’re asking me.”

“You clearly know what’s she done, what she’s capable of doing. It must be more than sympathy or wanting to redeem her.” Her lips drew back. “I’m trying to understand why a renowned warrior from the royal line of Shili—known for her dedication to justice and a laundry list of heroic deeds—would choose to spend her life with an infamous, disreputable spymaster, who murders people in her spare time.”

She bit down hard to keep from lashing out. _Stay calm. She only knows that Barriss killed her brother. And, losing everything else can’t have helped. Her description could have been much worse._ “Several reasons. We were there, you know, when Cardota fell. She saved my life, along with several others. Actually, Barriss has saved me more than once and not just my life. When everything crumbled away, she was the only person there for me. Without her, I would have been lost. Her support gives me strength to keep going. She is brilliant, selfless, loyal, kind, and dedicated—the best friend I’ve ever had. I need her and she… needs me.”

“That may all be true,” the woman replied, “but it’s not really my question.” She shifted gingerly against the tree and met Ahsoka’s eyes. “Do you ignore, excuse, forgive, or just don’t mind the things she’s done?”

“I’m not sure I can answer that.” Tossing the healing pack to the side, she rose to her feet to begin building a fire. “It’s none of those things and all of them. It’s more like I understand who she truly is.”

The intense gaze followed her movements, but didn’t respond.

Feeling the need to justify the statement, Ahsoka struggled to nail down the feeling hanging on the edges of her mind. “I do realize what she’s done, good and bad. I also know what left her so broken, she couldn’t see her way out. And, I remember that even in her worst moment, she still acted out of a wish to serve the greater good.” Blowing on the weak flame in the kindling, she paused and looked up at the unusual woman. “I simply see what’s there.”

Again, there was no response and Ahsoka finished up the fire. Pulling out the dried meat from her pack, she asked, “Would you like something to eat?”

The Twi’lek gave a small jolt, as if she had momentarily forgotten Ahsoka was there. Her mouth edged into a grin. “Now, you’re feeding me? This is royal treatment. I should threaten to kill people more often.”

Ahsoka chuckled. “I’ll take that as a yes.” She began to prep two servings.

Suddenly, her companion asked, “What would you say is an appropriate response to her past actions? Should it be ignored? Punished? Or, something else?” The question was delivered with a ruminating lilt, as if she was attempting to decide her own answer.

Glancing up from dinner, Ahsoka grimaced. “If you’re looking for an objective opinion, you won’t get it from me. I’m not anyone’s judge, including hers. I can only tell you what I believe. The same skills Barriss used to hurt people have also saved hundreds of lives, both before and after. Should the rest of her life go to waste, in turn harming those she could help? We can’t get back the past, only make the future better. That future is better with Barriss Offee in it. I intend to make sure that happens.”

The intelligent eyes contemplated Ahsoka for a few moments and then drifted over to the sleeping woman. “You love her.”

Freezing in place, she stared at the cooking meat, before saying, “Yes, I do.” Hot sizzles popped in her ears. “Barriss may never feel the same way or accept she deserves love, but that doesn’t change my truth.” Looking up and locking their eyes, she continued, “You said Ahsoka Tano is dedicated to justice. Sometimes, justice means showing people who they really are, when the world has told them otherwise for too long. I believe in Barriss Offee more than anyone I’ve ever known and that will never change.” As the words rang out, Ahsoka realized how true it all was and fresh confidence blossomed across her soul.

“Did this belief come before or after you fell in love with her?”

Ahsoka frowned and flipped dinner onto tin plates. “Are you asking if love led to acceptance or acceptance led to love? I think… neither.” Handing a plate to the woman and sitting down, her thoughts floated into the past. Plo’s gentle face came into view. “Your Master General once told me that I see people’s best qualities as who they truly are. So, maybe, it is simply part of who I am. Whether that’s good or bad, I don’t know.”

The delicately chewing face halted and then swallowed hard. “Plo Koon said that?”

“Yes,” Ahsoka said with a soft smile, “he seemed to know me better than I knew myself sometimes. Plo was… very special to me.” _But, he’s gone now. Like everyone else._ Her fingers vacantly pushed pieces of meat around the plate.

A gentle hand stopped the absent movements and Ahsoka refocused to see equal measures of pain in the hazel eyes. “I understand.”

Giving a wan smile, Ahsoka nodded. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to—Barriss tells me to think about the beauty of the people I loved, rather than the terribleness of losing them. I’m not very good at it, though.”

Eyebrows lifted. “That’s good advice. Tell me what your last happy memory of Plo is.”

 _Interesting._ The casual use of his given name suggested more than a passing familiarity with one’s Master General. “Hmm, I suppose it was shortly before the attack. We were talking about Barriss, actually. She had turned herself in to face judgement for the bombing, but not before attempting to convince him Palpatine was going to attack the city.”

The woman stiffened. “I take it she was unsuccessful?”

“Actually, he believed her,” Ahsoka’s lips curled, “but Windu did not. I’m not sure if you know that’s the reason she bombed the barracks and framed Palpatine for it. Windu and his court refused to heed her warnings and Barriss was desperate to get someone to pay attention. In her mind, killing ten could save thousands. It was such a terrible, unconscionable decision. At the same time, I can’t really convey the utter hopelessness she felt at that point.” She shivered at the memory. “I guess this is what I was trying to say earlier. I don’t excuse it, but I do understand it.”

“I see.” Lekku twitched and her mouth formed a tight line.

Returning to the original question, Ahsoka continued, “I say I understand, but I didn’t always. Plo did, though. At the time, I could only see betrayal and hurt. He saw who Barriss Offee truly was and tried to show it to me. I guess he didn’t want me to lose faith. That conversation was the first time I had felt safe and loved for quite a while…” she trailed off as the memories brought tears to her eyes.

Silence fell, until a broken voice whispered, “Too late. It’s all lost.”

Ahsoka placed a hand over hers. “Losing everything doesn’t have to mean everything is lost.”

Teary eyes gazed at her for a moment. “You are an unusual person, Ahsoka Tano.”

Flashing an engaging grin, she rose to check on Barriss. “I’ve heard that before.”

The woman cleared her throat. “I’m Aayla, by the way.”

Ahsoka smiled. “It’s nice to meet you, Aayla Secura.”

_______

“When she wakes up, will you give her this?”

Ahsoka nodded and took the sealed parchment from Aayla’s hand. “Are you sure we shouldn’t accompany you to a healer?”

She mounted her horse with a wince, but shook her head. “I’ll be fine. I’ve had worse wounds.”

Raising eyebrows, Ahsoka said, “What exactly is your profession, again?”

A small grin crept up the sides of a suddenly mischievous face. “I’m everything and nothing. If we ever meet again, ask me then. My answer may be different.”

“Um, right. Am I supposed to understand a word you’re saying?”

“Definitely not.” As Aayla trotted away, she called back, “Keep believing, Ahsoka Tano. The future is better with you in it, as well.” Then, she was gone.

_______

Barriss rubbed burning eyes. _Gods, I just woke up and I’m still exhausted._ Then, everything came rushing back and the tiredness turned to misery. Sitting up and scanning the camp, she saw no one. Panic began to rise. _Where’s Ahsoka?_

Perhaps, she had gone to get supplies or take the woman to a healer. _Or, she can’t stand the sight of you anymore. No. Stop it._ Putting hands against her head, Barriss tried to stop the tears. But, they came anyway. She pulled knees to a shuddering chest and pressed her face into them. _I’m a monster. No wonder she left. I never deserved her, anyway._

A hand grabbed her shoulder and she twisted up to see a concerned Ahsoka. “You’re still here?” Barriss choked out.

Fierce blue eyes widened and Ahsoka pulled her into a warm chest. “Of course, I am. How could you think I’d ever leave you? That’s _never_ gonna happen.”

Barriss smiled through wracking sobs. _I love you so much._

_______

Ahsoka laid down behind Barriss, curving herself into the slender body and wrapping an arm around her stomach. “Rest now. I’ll be right here. Ok?”

Barriss’ frame relaxed and her fingers laid on Ahsoka’s arm. “Why are you with me?”

Tightening her grip, Ahsoka replied, “Because, you’re my best friend and I care about you. Why can’t you believe that?”

“I don’t know. It just seems too unbelievable, I suppose.”

Tucking her head into Barriss’ neck, Ahsoka pressed lips against the soft skin. “You listen to me, Barriss Offee. I don’t care about the past. I care about you. I know who you truly are and that’s all that matters to me. Because, that person is amazing, brilliant, wonderful, and the only thing I need. I can’t do without her. Do you understand?”

There was a long silence and then finally a quiet, but happy, “Yes.”

_______

Pulse hammering, Barriss unfolded the parchment. The script was neat and precise, but had an eccentric flare at the edges. Taking an unsteady breath, she read.

_Barriss Offee,_

_I started this note with the intention of saying I forgive you, but it seems I’m not quite there yet. However, I want you to know that I have no other goal in mind. I can’t get my brother back. I can’t punish you more than you already are punishing yourself. I can’t interfere with you doing good in the world. Now, I find I can’t hate you anymore, either. I’m not sure where else to go, except forgiveness. Perhaps, one day we’ll meet again. When we do, I hope to be able to say the words._

_Either way, the best way to honor my brother’s memory is to make the world better for everyone who comes after him. If you feel a need to make amends, do it out of hope for what can be created anew rather than guilt for what cannot be restored._

_In this life or the next, may the Force be with you._

_Aayla Secura_ ឱ

 _p.s._ _The next time I see you, if you haven’t told Ahsoka you love her, I will strangle you myself._

Barriss read the words over and over again, until they were part of her heart. Then, she gazed out toward the distant horizon, where the sun was slowly breaking out of the darkened night. When it’s light finally touched the ground, Barriss Offee cried as she smiled.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, two nights ago I had an idea. This is the result. I hate that my brain goes off the rails, when I'm trying to work on something else. Yet, I also love it. Huh.
> 
> In any case, I hope you enjoyed the detour!


	21. Survivors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the aftermath of Alderaan, Ahsoka finds an old friend and Leia finds out about her heritage. 
> 
> This is brand new and draws on elements from "Where I've Always Been" and "Loyal Soldier". If you like, you can think of it as a chapter in the overall universe.
> 
> *Spoilers for WIAB and a little for LS.*   
> If you haven't read either, you may still enjoy it, but I really have no idea. Speaking of, if you haven't read the main line of stories that goes with all of these, um why not? Part 1 awaits! :-)

“Princess!”

Both Ahsoka and Leia looked up at the call. Ahsoka grimaced. _Why would they mean you? You really have fallen into some kind of trauma-induced state._ Since arriving in the remnants of Alderaan, Ahsoka had been having more and more trouble banishing the images of Shili from her mind. The destruction invaded nearly every thought as she arranged logistics, moved supplies, and searched for survivors.

Leia glanced at her strangely, before turning gingerly toward the approaching man. The girl’s injuries were barely treated and must be painful, but she was doing a good job of not showing it.

 _She should be in bed._ Ahsoka noted the supportive grip on the crates piled next to them, but decided to let it be. She knew what it was to feel helpless in the face of losing everything. _Too well._

Trying to banish the unbidden images from her mind, Ahsoka shifted her attention back to the map identifying the next set of search and rescue zones.

Then, the voice rang out again, “Princess—Commander Tano!”

She flipped around in shock, staring in disbelief at the man who had finally reached them. “Oh Gods—Echo? Is that you?”

He grinned excitedly. “It is you! I thought it was. I’m very glad you’re alive and well, Commander.”

Ahsoka shot forward, grabbing him in a tight hug. “I didn’t know you were here in Alderaan. I’m so happy to see you.” She felt tears forming in her eyes.

Echo returned the embrace, before pulling away to give her a brief salute. “I’ve been here since—well, since it happened. Most of us settled here. Didn’t Rex tell you?”

She nodded. It was a fact she had been trying to avoid remembering as she worked through the destruction. Ahsoka had visited Alderaan more than once, trying to find people she knew. Unfortunately, her well-known status as an enemy of Palpatine meant she couldn’t exactly announce her arrival. As a result, Ahsoka had only been able to surreptitiously locate a few survivors through the years. _They’ve lost their home again. And, once again, I could do nothing to stop it._

The man continued, “I served in the Alderaanian army for a while. I retired from service a couple of years ago, though.” He nodded toward Leia, following it up with a formal salute. “Princess Leia, I’m glad to see you survived, as well. It gives me hope for the future.”

Leia seemed entranced by the interaction between the two and gave a small jolt at being addressed, but recovered quickly. “Thank you, Echo was it? I appreciate your service to Alderaan and am happy you—” she paused, perhaps unsure how much she should reference both prior and recent events, “found a home here with us.”

Echo smiled sadly. “Thank you, Princess. It was a good home. Apparently, though, I’m not meant to keep one…” he trailed off looking into the distant horizon.

Ahsoka put a hand on his shoulder. “I know, Echo. But, we are still in this together. We’ll survive again. We always survive. Because, we are Shili. And, Shili means strength. Seeing you makes me even more sure of it.”

His eyes refocused on her and he gave a confident nod. “Knowing you are with us makes me sure of it, as well, Princess.”

She smiled warmly. “Are there others from our battalion here? I’d like to see them again. When I visited, I could only find a handful.”

Echo shook his head sadly. “There were. But, I haven’t located anyone in the camp, so far. Is the Captain here, as well? I haven’t seen him in years.”

“Yes, Rex is in the city at the moment, helping to coordinate search and rescue teams. He should be back in a few hours and you two can catch up.”

He grinned with anticipation. “Excellent. Can I lend a hand in the efforts? I’d like to be useful.”

“Absolutely. In fact, I’ll put you in charge of the next rescue party. Your skills would be a great asset. Our teams are dedicated, but don’t have your kind of experience. If you’re sure?” She didn’t need to say the implied question.

Straightening to attention, Echo said firmly, “I’m positive, Commander. I can handle it. I’ll find survivors and get them back here safely. I give you my word as a soldier of Shili and a citizen of Alderaan.”

Ahsoka gripped his shoulder. “I expected no less. Get yourself some gear from the supply tent over there and report back here in twenty minutes for deployment.”

“Yes, ma’am.” He walked purposefully toward where Ahsoka had pointed with more confidence in his step than before.

She watched him go, pain and guilt filling her heart. Some people had more than their share of trauma and misery. Echo was one of those people. And, yet, here he was—still going, still believing, still serving. It made Ahsoka feel so lacking in comparison. _You can’t even rescue people without having a meltdown._ A petite hand suddenly wrapped around hers, jerking her back into reality.

Concerned young eyes gazed at her. “Are you alright?”

Ahsoka plastered a smile on her face. “Of course, my dear. Now, let’s figure out where to send Echo’s new team, shall we?”

Leia opened her mouth slightly to speak, but then seemed to change her mind.

 _The girl just lost her entire world and now you’ve got her worried about you. Get it together._ Ahsoka squeezed her hand. “Truly, Leia, I’m fine. Let’s focus on getting as many of your people out of here as we can. Ok?”

There was a quick nod and they both turned back to the map.

_One day, Ahsoka, you will make this right for your people. Not today. But, one day, you will._

_______

“Alright, my tenacious niece, it’s time for you to rest. Your people are settled and nothing is going to need your attention for a while. Those wounds aren’t going to heal if you keep pushing them, you know.”

Leia grimaced in annoyance. “I’m fine. I can keep going.”

Ahsoka grinned engagingly. “Nope. Never gonna happen. If Barriss shows up in Chandrila and you aren’t in bed, do you know how much trouble I’ll be in?”

A reluctant smile crept up the sides of her face as Leia responded, “Um, that sounds like a personal problem to me.”

“Oh no, my dear. If I suffer, you will suffer. We’re in this together. Besides, you don’t want to send Barriss into overprotective mode. You will regret it. Believe me.”

That got a laugh from the girl, swiftly followed by a resigned sigh. “Alright, you win. But, only because you promised me free stories. You haven’t forgotten, I presume?”

 _Unfortunately, I’ll never forget the story you want, my dear._ Producing an innocent expression, Ahsoka replied, “Did I say something about stories? Hmm… I can’t recall.”

Leia gave her a determined glare. “Well, maybe I can’t recall saying I would be in bed as you told them to me.”

Ahsoka laughed. “I suppose I could manage a story or two. On the other hand, I could just throw you over my shoulder and carry you to your room, if you prefer?”

“Don’t even think about it!” Leia exclaimed as she made her way expeditiously to the hallway.

_______

Adjusting her sitting position on the bed, Ahsoka glanced down at the girl laying beside her with a wan smile. “And, that’s pretty much it,” Ahsoka said, trying to keep her voice light.

The brief recitation of the destruction of Shili had taken a toll, though. The crushing weight that had been on Ahsoka’s heart since Alderaan seemed to be increasing, now almost suffocating in its intensity. Still, she had promised Leia the story. And, Ahsoka would tell the girl anything she wanted, if it would help her to cope. _Keep it together. You can do this._

Leia gazed up at her for a long moment. “Did you—do you blame yourself for it happening? Do you still feel… helpless?”

Ahsoka considered for a moment, finally opting for honesty. “Sometimes. I know, on some level, I couldn’t have done anything. It took a long time for me to accept that, actually. If it hadn’t been for Barriss, I might never have. Still, when it—sometimes, when I find a survivor or experience something like Alderaan, the feeling comes back. I try to think of ways I could have stopped it, but always end up back where I started. It’s not a very healthy exercise. I’m sure Barriss would slap me for it,” she said with a weak grin, “but, I can’t help it somehow.”

“So, this feeling will never go away?” Leia’s eyes were tearing up slightly.

Brushing gentle fingers over her cheek, Ahsoka replied earnestly, “Probably not completely, my dear. But, it will lessen. And, in some sense, you’ll get stronger from it. You just have to learn how to deal with it as it comes, I guess. I wish I could tell you differently. Then again, you’re stronger than I was. You also have a more rational disposition. So, for all I know, you will handle it better than I did.”

“I’m not sure about that. The way that man Echo looked at you… well, you must have been a very inspiring and strong leader. I mean, you are now, but you must have been then too.”

 _Um, I think you have me confused with somebody else._ Ahsoka said wryly, “If you say so. I’ve never thought of myself as a leader, really. It’s not one of my skills. I was the most un-leadery princess you will probably ever encounter,” she grinned and continued more seriously, “but, you were born to it. I’ve never seen such leadership in the face of trauma as I saw from you the day Alderaan fell. I was so proud. Your parents would have been proud, as well. You, my girl, have a special gift.”

Leia smiled diffidently. “Thanks. I just tried to think of what my parents would do.”

“You had good role models, for sure. And, not just that, your mother—your birth mother, I mean—she was a true leader, as well. It’s in your blood.”

The girl’s face perked up with interest. “I never thought about the fact that you knew her. Which is silly, because of course you would. Who was she?”

Staring in disbelief, Ahsoka asked slowly, “You don’t know?” _How have we never talked about this? Because you didn’t want to, Ahsoka. You and your stupid guilt._ “I guess I assumed Bail or Breha had told you about her.”

Leia shook her head painfully. “No, we didn’t talk about that kind of stuff. I think they were trying to protect me. Even after I found out about you, they’d didn’t tell me much. And, I never asked. I suppose… I thought it didn’t matter or something. Now, I wish I had.”

Ahsoka considered how much to tell her. _No, I’m not making the same mistakes I did with Luke._ “Well, I’m happy to tell you anything you want to know. Her name was Padmé Amidala. She was a master negotiator and a royal herself, from Naboo. Padmé was brilliant, strong, determined, beautiful—a fighter and a leader. She was known as the voice of the voiceless. Your mother was… a magnificent woman.”

Leia gazed at her with rising excitement. “Wow. I’ve heard of her. She was in my history of the kingdoms lessons. And, isn’t there a famous statue of her in Naboo?”

“Yes. It’s a memorial to her from her people. She inspired many and was well-loved.”

“How—how did she die?”

Inhaling sharply, Ahsoka steadied herself. “Trying to save your father—your birth father, I mean.”

“Save him from what?” Leia asked quizzically.

Closing her eyes, Ahsoka replied softly, “From himself. I told you the Master General of Shili led the coup that resulted in its destruction, on orders of Palpatine.” She re-opened her eyes and looked at Leia intently. “Well, that Master General was… my brother, your father.”

Her deep, brown eyes filled with horror. “My—he destroyed his own home? K-k-killed his own people? Joined Palpatine?”

Not able to speak, Ahsoka only nodded, feeling repressed tears starting to overwhelm her control.

“How could—why would—what kind of person would do that?!” Her expression became more furious and repulsed by the moment. It clearly stated that such a man was not her father. Even if the actions themselves weren’t horrifying, any man who had helped the evil that had destroyed her world could never be any part of her.

Ahsoka didn’t blame her, but it wrenched her heart painfully. Things could have been different. They should have been different. But, they weren’t. _And, I can’t do anything about it now._ Placing a hand on the girl's cheek, Ahsoka choked back tears. “I-I don’t know, Leia. I wasn’t there. I… should have been, but I wasn’t. That’s the part I—I just know the man who was my brother, the man your mother loved, the man who was a legendary hero would have never done such a thing. So, all I can tell you is that I don’t understand, either. I’m… sorry.”

Leia sucked in a deep breath and shut her eyes, obviously trying to regain control of her anger and revulsion. Flipping her eyelids open, she raised a hand to Ahsoka’s and laid it on top. “It’s ok. It’s not your fault.”

 _She is so strong._ Ahsoka twisted her fingers to interlock them with Leia’s, resting them again on her cheek. “I don’t know what to do with you, my dear. Why is it everytime I try to make you feel better, you end up making me feel better instead?”

The girl quickly replied, “That’s not true. You make me feel better, too.”

Ahsoka smiled, in spite of the pain. “You are so very special, like both of your mothers.”

“And… like my aunt.” She fixed Ahsoka with intense eyes.

Ahsoka’s heart swelled and she suddenly realized the terrible weight on it had lessened. Gazing warmly at her niece, she kissed her forehead. “Whatever you say, my amazing girl. I just know I feel better now than I have in weeks.”

Leia flashed a happy grin. “Good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this to tie in the plot thread from LS that Shili survivors settled in Alderaan, since we all knew they would eventually lose their home again. And, we knew from WIAB that Ahsoka would be there to witness the aftermath... again. Echo was an obvious choice for a solider we would remember, who probably has his own story yet to be told. And, I always wanted to explore Leia finding out about her lineage, as well as Ahsoka keeping her promise to tell her about Shili. Lastly, I felt like Leia and Ahsoka didn't get enough bonding time in WIAB and I wanted to remedy that. Basically, I killed about five birds in one story, because I just don't know when to stop, ha. 
> 
> There's also a sequel of sorts to this story with Barriss and Leia in the "Family Expansion" (Leia-centric work)


End file.
